BPDFamily.com

My 4-year r/s with an uBPDman ended yesterday. I thought we would make it. It has been rough and brutal, but the last year together things had improved significantly. We had been in T together for almost a whole year. He was making changes and was accepting his blame in the chaos. He was so sorry for all the pain he had put us through. He was totally committed to staying in the r/s, no more silent treatment, hardly any rages. I was working on my codependency and getting better at enforcing my boundaries. He actually said he preferred the new me and I definitely preferred the new him. But the past caught up with us. Things that happened during a traumatic break 2 years ago. I couldn't get past certain things and he wasn't able or willing to face it. Everything started falling apart. And now I couldn't deal with it any longer.

I was prepared. I have prepared for this break since we got back together, hoping it would never come to this. He needs distance right now and I said I can't wait any longer. He said to not see each other any more then and I said OK.

I have been taking such good care of myself after getting back together. When he left me 2 years ago I fell apart. I had panic attacks, cried, sunk into absolute darkness and felt life had no purpose. Now I am stronger, I have been OK with his constant anxiety, with the push pull behavior. I have done my own thing, not worried, not thought about him constantly, taken trips, seen my friends and enjoyed myself when he has pushed me away. How could I still lose him. How can life just be so random, what was the point?

I accept it is over but I am so sorry, so sad. I have lost the love of my life. I know I was his also. In my heart I want him to come back but I will not contact him and I doubt that he will contact me. And in any case I can't wait so my only option is to move on.

I am middle aged, my daughter is moving out soon. I have no idea how I am going to meet anybody else and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. It all seems so hopeless.

How long ago did this happen?  Even if you don't talk for a bit, can you ask him to come to another therapy session?  Maybe you two can get to the root of the resentment over what happened 2 years ago, instead of dancing around it.  That way you can move on from it.  Maybe you can both yell at each  other a bit in counseling and then agree to move on and maybe even forgive.

To me it doesn't sound like the end of your story.  Sounds like you both were a bit hasty, and maybe you did need a break, but why does that have to be the end of the relationship?

It sounds like you both really tried.  It's scary to be on a break because you don't know what's going to happen.  But I don't think this is the end unless you want it to be.  In the meantime, you probably are not too old to find love or at least a penpal through on line dating, or through activities. 

Yea, I'd be surprised if this is really the end, too.

Sounds like a lot of growth was accomplished by both of you, and sometimes stages of a growth process get done apart and not together.

It may be the end of a stage of your relationship.

If it turns out it is truly the end, then the same holds true no matter what; grieve that ending, take care of yourself, and keep growing.

I use to worry I wouldn't find anyone again, either. I don't think that way anymore, I'm learning I can be content and very fulfilled in or out of a partnership.  Try not to think of endings, but of transitions and new beginings.

Hi Mitti, i agreenwith Maybe so. Try to see it as a new beginning rather than an ending. A new beginning to be happy without the dragging down of a BPD relationship. Focus on detaching emotionally and healing, then look to new opportunities and happy ones! If youget in the mindset that it hopeless, it will be. Remember, new begining for happiness for you.

Mitti,

I feel your sadness. 

You can both proud of yourself. Sounds like a more adult and peaceful end than most here on board are going through!

I agree with others, see is as a new chance. 

 I hear your pain ((mitti)) and I am in such a very similar position... .  reunited with my FIRST love and we both were "head over heels" for the first few weeks (after 25 years and two marriages each) and thought that we were finally "ready" to settle down... .  with the ONE that we had always loved. It is almost two years; one and half of those years have been "BPD hell" for me... .  he told me to "get the F out of his house" and I agreed that I am leaving. I have to see it this way... .  this may help you too hon... .  YOU have not lost love, you have been robbed of the person that YOU USED TO LOVE, he is "not there" now if he was not able to handle this and work through it with you. He is "gone". HE has LOST love... .  your love and that is sad for him... .  but YOU STILL LOVE and that is a good thing... .  it is "better to have loved and LOST than never to have loved at all"... .  I strongly believe this but it REALLY hurts. 


Don't WORRY about this. You are a loving woman. You loved him and you WILL love other men, hopefully ONE who is as much a lover as you are... .  I don't know HOW I am going to meet a good man... .  I am not interested in pursuing it right now, investing my time in myself and my son. Try not to allow yourself to "feel hopeless"... .  NOT living in a BPD relationship is FULL OF HOPE and your future is much brighter, just a little more uncertain... .  hang on and focus ON YOU... .  

Hi momtara,

Thanks for your response and input. This happened Friday evening so only a few days ago, but was preceded by his having needed more and more distance for quite some time. But yes, you are right, it was a hasty decision. I am sure he would have wanted to just be left alone for a while and he probably felt manipulated by me and therefore responded the way he did. The tone in the email he sent me was pretty angry, which is an indication he felt controlled.

Not sure he would consider coming to another T session with me. He stopped going because I let him know that our T, who was my T before we started going together, had said the she would feel the same as me about the past events by my description of them. Obviously a stupid move of me but he kept referring to his friends' views on our dilemma and I wanted him to know what a professional, who had heard both sides to the story, thought. At the time I was desperate because we have been in stalemate over this for a long time and it was discussed back and forth and from every angle at every session and I felt it was robbing me of every ounce of my self-respect.

The thing about me is that I do breaks and time-outs really badly. I can't handle feeling excluded very well and to be honest that is what led me to force this breakup. Everything came to a head in October, with a huge crisis. As of Xmas he started excluding more and more from every area of his life. I wasn't sure whether it was a setback or if we just had come as far as we could.

If he approached me and wanted to look at how we might solve this situation I would be more than willing. I just can't put my life on hold for him any longer. And not everything broken can be mended.

Hi MaybeSo,

Thanks for your support. Your words give me hope.

My ex has a lot of pride and can be very determined once he has made his mind up. Yes, his feelings keep shifting but I doubt he would ever contact me again. After rages, and throwing me out of his house etc he has often contacted me immediately afterwards, been apologetic and remorseful, begging me not to leave him at times, or just been panicky. But I can't remember one single time after he has broken up with me that I didn't first have to make some little move towards him in order for him to make contact. The last time he broke up with me he had me painted black for 7 months. And if I contact him now I would ruin everything for myself. I would show him that I don't stick to my boundaries after all. Perhaps I am wrong about him and he will contact me, I hope so.

I was single for almost 15 years before meeting my ex. It feels as if I spent most of my youth alone. The two years before we met I felt fine about this though, but now I know I don't want to be alone. I want somebody to love me, to choose me and somebody who will not reject my love. I know I sound pessimistic but there just doesn't seem to be that easy a woman my age.

@SummerT321,

I know I should and I do for an hour and then I feel rotten for an hour and then I go back to thinking about the possibilities I know have, the freedom, no having to walk on eggshells anymore, no having to weigh every word and second guess my every move, no more having to get over a broken past… for an hour and then I start all over again.

I fluctuate between anger, hopefulness, sadness. I just don't want any more painful feelings.

Thank you for your support

Thank you Surnia,

Yes, I feel very sad. We have both worked so hard and got through so many struggles. It feels unfair that despite all of our efforts it came to this. I am not really angry with him. I am angry at life and what's the point of that?

You are right, this breakup was probably more adult and peaceful than what a lot people on this board have had to endure. Our r/s although turbulent has been less crazy than many of the stories I have read here. He was so aware of his problems, had made so much progress and there was no cheating or lying, which is partly why I thought we would make it. It makes it harder for me to accept the outcome.

Hi real lady,

Thanks for your support.


Yes, this is a better, and more accurate, way of looking at it. He has lost love, and the sad thing is that I know he will wake up and realize this but I am sure it will be too late for him to get me back then. He often told me after we got back together that he was both stunned and grateful that I had still been available when he came to his senses and realized that he had let the love of his life go. I am sure that was part of why he was so committed to staying and working on us through T, why he fought so hard to change. And I am sure he is going to regret his decision this time also, when the man I love comes back.

I think you did the right thing. You set your boundary and he couldn't do it. So, you followed through. Difficult it is, it's exactly what you have to do to stop being the victim. I did the same. Mine couldn't comply either. Now we're sad for the ending, but I'm feeling a bit of acceptance. It's like I am almost happy he finally showed me and told me he couldn't do it, so I can move on. But, like you I still secretly hope for contact again, but logically we know that is not the best thing for us to continue in this misery.

I think that this is SUCH A COMMON response from us NONs toward our pwBPD... .  sad... .  I am glad that my perspective is helpful to you... .  it is NOT your fault and there is NOTHING that you "can do" to fix him/it... .  Radical Acceptance.




My uBPDso said EXACTLY the same thing and THANKED ME for coming back to him; within 9 months he said that "he MADE A MISTAKE" letting me come back into his life... .    HOW THAT HURT and cut me deeply. 

He AND I had promised "NEVER AGAIN" to the break up that kept us apart for 25 years... .  we would NOT let the same thing that broke us up do it again... .  He has FAILED TO KEEP HIS PROMISES time and time again in the past year... .  now I say "NEVER AGAIN" regarding having any relationship with him once I LEAVE... .  it will be for GOOD... .  MY good.


It sounds like you are expecting recycling; what a horrible road to travel... .  TAKE GOOD CARE of yourself now... .  focus on YOUR healing. He has and will make his own decisions/mistakes and we can't stop them from hurting themselves, but we CAN stop them from hurting us... .  over and over again. We deserve to have HEALTHY relationships and we cannot have that with a pwBPD... .  imho. 

I saw that you said he kept telling you his "friends'" views of our situation.  My husband used to do that too, but they were exaggerated or false.  He also used to claim that his doctor sided with him, and stuff.  He either imagined it or made it up (hard to tell which).  Very frustrating.  I told him that his friends didn't understand the full situation.  But it really doesn't matter... .  

I was alone a long time before I met my husband, so that factors into my decisions too.  I didn't have a lot of relationship experience so I thought it was my fault at first.  And as much as I'm good at being alone and amusing myself, I hate it when he's mad at me or not talkign to me.  I definitely don't want to date again, either.  Even at his worst he's still better than some of the men I met on dates!

Oh no, I meant come back as in when he comes to his senses and remembers that he loves me and turns back into the nice and lovely amazing man that I fell in love with. I believe he will want me back at some point but I doubt he will work up enough courage to contact me, and plus I am sure it will take a long time anyway.

I know what you mean momtara, totally frustrating how they can distort a situation to their friends and then trust the advice given.

My ex went a couple of times to a counselor through his workplace because of work related conflict. He came back and told me that this counselor felt I was totally in the wrong about x, y and z things him and I couldn't agree on. After that one he saw another one a couple of times and same story. So his going to a counseling session on his own just made things worse. The same as his consulting his friends. At times I have felt like talking to his friends about us but there really is only one who I believe has no hidden agenda but actually wants the best for him.

This is also why I wonder, sadly, if this is the end.

The main reason it was more peaceful was me, my reaction. I just simply accepted when he said not to see each other anymore. In the past I would always have tried to make him see sense, talk about it but this time I just wrote back "OK".

He has been not wanting to meet and talk for a while now and things just seemed to be deteriorating. I had told him I wouldn't wait any longer and asked him to stay home and talk rather than go to this event on Friday night, where I thought he was going. I made it clear to him why I didn't want him to go and said that if he didn't want to see me on Friday, we had better break up. I got an angry email from him telling me we are not seeing each other any more. He has done this before but it was a long time ago and not since we got back together.

It probably is the end though, because I will not contact him

When I leave the physical presence of my once loved uBPDso, I will expect the same from him... .  he will tell me to get out and then send angry texts, etc. I will NOT respond to ANY angry text and only minimally respond IF I think a "thank you" is due or an "I'm sorry for your loss" is appropriate... .  

Move on mitti... .  you are doing fine hon... .  keep focusing ON YOU and YOUR healing... .  

Thanks real lady 

The support I get here means so much to me and without it for the past 2 years of whatever I am not even sure I would have got to where I am now.

I am doing better, I have bad moments and better ones. I just live one day at a time for now. My mind keeps trying to "solve this situation" but I am decided I won't contact him and that feels safe. I know him, and he won't do it. He won't even do it when having had too much too drink and missing me like crazy. I think he knows too, I won't contact him. When we started T together he would tell me he was getting increasingly worried that I would leave him. It surprised me because I felt T was making our r/s better and stronger, and it was. But he said that my healing would make me want another kind of man.

YW hon... .  I am glad to hear that you are solidly resolved to NC with him and that you are "taking one day at a time"... .  I believe what he said is TRUE, for me and you and others on this site... .  when we GET HEALTHY we will not "settle" or become attached to an emotionally and mentally ill person again (I hope)... .  we have learned SO much and I think that we are building strengths that we will not allow anyone to wear down again... .   happy for you hon... .  you are doing great.