BPDFamily.com

I'm still relatively new to this board, and still learning about BPD. If you're interested in a little bit of background on my story, you can read my intro post https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194046.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194046.0).

I've been reading a lot about BPD and their "triggers." I was wondering if it's a usual occurrence for someone with BPD to become addicted to the people who not only enable their behavior, but also is a trigger for their behavior?

I'm asking this because I'm in the middle of a very tumultuous 18 month relationship with a male (best) friend/sex partner who I believe has BPD. Although other women have come in and out of his life in the time we've been doing this, for some reason he always forces his way back into my life. Even after claiming to be "happy" in one of these other situations (his relationship with a 20 y/o girl, who was 17 years younger than him). I repeatedly asked him what he needed me for, and even after I went NC with him he found ways to get a hold of me. He simply didn't have an answer as to why. I would tell him, go be happy with her ... .  but he just didn't do it.

gail48, intimacy is a trigger for Borderlines - being mindful that sex does not equate to intimacy - they are two very different things. Its possible if you are friends/friends with benefits and I am assuming this is known by you both - then he could be less triggered than if it were a 'formal' relationship.

You are not placing any pressure on him! He doesn't feel controlled. You are a soft place for him.

Is this working for you?

I wanted to bump this, as my experience has been what gail48's has been. Not the Fs w/ Bs part, but being such a huge trigger, yet they keep coming back.

Sex or no sex, no sex or sex, intimacy means different things to people, and that closeness/intimacy is what makes us a trigger -- If they feel that overwhelming closeness (regardless of any 'rules' since that is not how humans work.)

So I have seen the opposite to the above, that is, while others trigger her less, it is me she seems to cling to, and always return. That used to be awesome when I was fogged, but not so much anymore.

Is it our boundaries are less, more flexible, non-existent? That they keep coming back, or obsess over us more than other "way-stops" along the way? I'm not sure. Likely that is part of it.

And I'm sure the trauma bond strength varies. Curious what others have seen.

It a strange thing to trigger them so, yet when we go, they want us back so much. It really is push/pull.

Hi Gail,

Im not clear on what you are asking. Are you asking if he is addicted to you? If he has strong narcissistic traits its common for them to have a primary companion and other secondary back ups. The reason is, he Always has to have someone, he cant be alone. If u frequently split, hell need his back ups. Im assuming you have some intimacy with this man as you have more of a relationship than just sex. I read your story. You are friends as well as sexual partners. Its common for them to have all sorts of addictions. Including you.

Thank you, I'm pretty sure that's what this is. He has told me that I'm one of the few people he feels like he can be really close to. Yet he backs away when I challenge him or I act in a way where he doesn't want me to act. For example in dealing with him, he expects me to be this pillar of strength, as if dealing with his moods and always walking on eggshells is easy. Every once in a while I forgot that he has a problem, so I (in a very mild way) lash out at him. It's as if he can't get over the fact that I have emotions too. When this happens I usually go a few days without hearing from him, but in his usual fashion resurfaces a few days later.

gail,

  I would say yes, as BPDs in my view are addicted to drama.  They will provoke actions to trigger themselves, put themselves in situations they themselves say trigger them.  They seem to do exactly the opposite of what would lead to harmony in their lives.   It's neurotic with a nasty twist.