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I was hit by a bad cold/flu that is going around here so am very fatigued.

I notice that when I am tired from too much work or in this case too much work and the flu the bad feelings of being 'used' and the detachment pain seems amplified.  I have done a pretty good job this time around in not caring as much, not engaging, not ruminating too much and am hanging out with other female friends (one with benefits).

Was invited to a birthday party last night but was too sick to go.

But on days like today I can feel depression coming on which causes me to want to reach out to the exgf somehow.

I recognize it is the fatigue of being sick which has left me in a weak spot at the moment. Seems to happen on Sunday's and when I am in a weakened state. Also I think the cold medicine has contributed to this.

Anyways I recognize this and that is a good thing and hope my lousy feelings go away in a little while.

I bring this up because if it happens to you you can check your personal status and if you realize you are fatigued it helps understand what is going on.

I agree, Sundays are hard... .  add to it emotional and/or physical fatigue, and it makes for a very long weekend of vulnerability and susceptibility to old feelings coming up.  This weekend I've been really missing her--how odd after the horrible horrible breakup we had which was followed up by a nasty attempt to recontact 3 weeks after the breakup.  I know one part of me never ever want to see or talk to her again; but then this weekend I've been missing her.  What the heck? 

I think it's just old feelings flushing themselves out of my system.  That's what I keep telling myself.  They aren't real--very much like most of the feelings during the relationship, as it turns out, weren't real. 

Well maybe that is just it old feelings being flushed out.

I can't say I never ever want to see her again but I know I should not ever see her again. There is zero chance for a heatlhy r/s just more recycles.

I had been doing pretty good until today. Really yesterday I was fine. Not sure why this started today.

I cannot explain what you are going through but I am very familiar with the feelings you describe.  Well I hope you have an excellent week!

You are absolutely right! If I am hungover or tired, I feel so depressed and miss her SO much more. Also I had the flu things and all I wanted was her. Tiredness does amplify it.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your physical health at the moment my friend, staying on top of our emotions when we are not operating at our best is a tough call.

I know exactly what you mean about wanting something yet knowing it will result in more pain.  This dissonance will take time to resolve but even appreciating it is there, as you do, shows great progress!

Look after yourself, this fatigue will pass, as will the conflicted feelings/thoughts.

hi

The one useful tip I took from the AA and al Anon rooms was Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Any one or a combo is a recipe for extra pain and sorrow.

HALT was the acronym if I recall- and a signal time to practice better self care.

Feeling under par just magnifies every bit of bad mo-jo. Avoid at all costs!

GL

Thanks Newton! Everyone in my house is sick with the crud right now.

I can only compare myself now to how I was after the prior recycle and yes I think there is progress.

Still I don't like the feelings much. Also there is some 'fear' creeping in that I will never meet anyone that has the qualities I liked about the exgf.  Stupid I know but got to go through this I suppose.

Here is a rather unsubtle like hint as to your next target for progress... .    ... .  (you seem to be able to cope admirably with them so far!)... .  

Keep in mind a few things... .  perhaps spend some time pondering the following points... .  

1/ Your ex had a lack of sense of self

2/She was mirroring you

3/ She is VERY emotionally adept at seeing the best and worst of you (exhibited in her idealization AND vitriol)

4/ Following this logic to it's conclusion would mean that the qualities you loved in her... .  are potentially already in you... .  and not yet appreciated by... .  YOU.

Was that subtle enough?... .   

I KNOW with time you will "get" this... .  it's liberating knowledge.

Not stupid at all, I and im sure many on here feel exactly the same. i started a thread with a similar question not long ago...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193722.0

The things that scare me now is that ill find out she is engaged or pregnant, and that i will find those hard to deal with.