BPDFamily.com

's been awhile since I've posted and things are pretty good between my BPDexgf and I.  What has developed is a kind of on and off contact, it started back in October after 3yrs NC and has grown very cautiously from both sides.  Typically we text now and again, meet for a drink or a walk but always things then go silent for a while and I've just gotten used to that.


Well, this weekend we really had our first full day and evening spent together since out cautious reconnection, just the two of us and it was really nice.  Immediately the next morning she sent a few texts stating what a fantastic time she had and that she couldn't wait to do it again... .  and honestly I feel the same way it was so comfortable and enjoyable.


My question is are BPD's always mirroring, because we just really do have SO MUCH in common in our lives it really just seems so organic between us, so natural when we are together?  We're older, in our 40's, so who we are and the activities and things we enjoy have had time to develop and we just enjoy the same things.  Am I being naive or can you really connect with a pwBPD?


Thanks,

NS

I have a similar situation where my husband actually is very compatible with me.  Yet because he doesn't recognize his own personality, he still experiences himself as mirroring me even when he would think and feel that way if I wasn't there.  I could always see when he is being himself himself, and reacting positively with me because we are compatible, but when I would ask him about it, even in the middle of great enjoyment of our connection, he would say he was just faking it, mirroring. 

So even if you are amazingly compatible, and even though you understand and connect to his personality, he will still mirror in the idealization phase. 

Huh, so this now has me wondering too if pwBPD idealize the same way on a reconnection as they did the first time around?  We've been apart for 4 years, most of it NC, so do I need to be cognizant of her maybe going through an idealization phase again?

Hi NewStart

I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying each other's company!  I'd try not to get too hung up the phases, but to get deeper in touch with your own feelings/likes/dislikes and of course read the lessons, so that when a problem arises, you'll be better equipped to handle it graciously and respectfully, causing the least amount of upheavel to either of your emotions.

Idealization/Devaluation happens; it's part of the disorder.  She may really and truly like doing some of the same things as you do, tomorrow she might not.  Give it time though and you'll know what sticks and what doesn't.

The pwBPD in my life acted totally interested in a certain activity that I enjoy, when all of a sudden he didn't anymore and had all kinds of excuses as to why... .    I felt confused and baffled at first, but then thought, 'hmm okay, I really like doing this, so... .  ', so I found other people to do it with, or I go by myself which is fine, too.  Once in a while he'll suggest doing it together now :)

Try to go with the flow while being true to yourself... .   





 

P123 - Yes that's exactly where I've been, going with the flow and staying true to myself.  Guess my kind of trigger was going out and having such a killer time, like old times for sure and then to a certain extent the lines become greyed and I started to wonder where this is going... .  what is this relationship... .  what does it look like down the road etc?

I guess I have to just keep taking it one day at a time and enjoy it for what it is but should probably have a plan of what to do/how to react if the course/intent of the 'friendship' changes.

When they are in the "white" phase mirroring and idealization is part of that behavior. Though the early days are an extreme example. It is simply their way of wanting to be approved and accepted. It is not always false but can be more of an exaggeration of common interests

Though that said my partner will do that when she is the sales mode and trying to manipulate someone. In that instance she is fully aware of it. She used to work in phone sales

Well, I guess in the end it doesn't matter if she is or isn't right, because this time around I have more information to work with and honestly we're just casual friends, nothing more.

Good for you for being just friends. I know there must be a strong desire to get back to the honeymoon period. But I also know that six weeks out, I am just starting to see clearly how messed up mine was, and how she probably withdrew just for that reason-she knows it would never work, she just cant really do long term relationships.

It's like she'd rather have the memories of our good times together, and keep those memories up high on a shelf in glass case, then risk going further in real life and probably failing as a couple.

KNYK - Yeah, it's good to have her in my life again for sure as she truely is just a fun person to be around and do things with, I really do enjoy her company.

On the other hand sometimes I have to just scratch my head and process how it couldn't possibly have worked with us, because it's just so organic, so smooth when we're together... .  

I guess that really goes back to the root of my original question right, I mean it seems so natural and easy is she really just mirroring?  I don't know I think it's a question that can never be answered as only one person really knows right?

Anyway, I think I really need to make sure to get my mind around what this relationship really is and how I would deal with any attempt to move past a friendship towards something more serious.

My advice would be not to move past what it is now. You could meet dozens of people who you have a lot in common with and like to be around. Most of them won't have a personality disorder. The ones that don't-well, there is a good chance they are capable of being open, honest, loving, calm, stable-all the things mine could not be, no matter how much I asked her, cajoled her, begged her to be those things. All the love in the world won't change this disorder.