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I see alot of answers about grieving on different posts.  My question is that I am grieving, but in so many ways and I don't know what to grieve for.  Do I grieve for the loss of my wife, do i grieve for her illness, for myself, for the lost dreams, for our family, that the last 19 years she has led a lie, the things she has said and done, that she discarded me so easily?  There are so many things to grieve for I don't know where to start.

Hi Cal,

There is no right or wrong thing to grieve - all the above is likely the answer.

For me, it was the loss of the family dream that hit the hardest... .  many tears shed over that fact.  My happiness was tied to another person, an unstable, inconsistent person - so it is no wonder that once that person is gone, even grieving doesn't make sense.

After 19 years this is going to take some time to really get your head around.  What are you doing for self care - just for you - these days?

Peace,

SB

I know how you feel, Cal. I grieve for his illness, for the many recycles that did not work out and feel such sadness with regard to my own failings. I don't have any answers... .  just wanted you to know you are not alone. 

Like Seeking Balance said, "all of the above.". And you won't even know what you're grieving for sometimes... .  it will just pour out of you.  Other times you'll be stuck on one emotion (my biggie right now is anger) associated with one issue (right now I'm into why it took me 3 years to figure out who/what she was/is).  We are all different.  Don't get caught up in the what... .  just let it happen.  Be open to the process.  Don't fight feelings or block things out.  Just feel it all, and then let it pass. The rest will take care of itself.

For people who choose to live a life of lies, sadly, there are limits to the true nature of beauty that comes their way.

However, for those of us who seek truth, confide in it, appreciate it, and connect with it better, there are no limits to amazing things, feelings, and emotions life has to offer. The world is an all-you-can-eat buffet of this goodness, this truth, and beauty. You will find it again because your spirit naturally connects to this part of life. It will take time, but it will happen, because that is an undeniable part of you that will never die. When you are ready, you will re-connect to the beauty of the world around you again, this time wiser and stronger. The world will be there waiting for you with open arms.

You are good. You are strong. And you are well equipped to overcome this struggle and kick it's a$$. Be kind to yourself and be patient. You will come out on the other side. And it's going to f-ing awesome! :)

Bettycat those words are amazing. I must have read it over and over.

We grieve for a life that we cannot have but if we are willing to open up again the future is ours to enjoy.

It seems impossible some days, heck even minutes, but I found that strength comes from inside. Nothing anyone can give. I struggle each and every day to move forward but I'm getting stronger. I praise myself for that.

Something I grieve is my "loss of innocence". I was trusting and I now have to admit naive.

I knew she had mental health issues but I thought "love could heal". Unfortunately it can't

I totally get the grieving thing and feel for all of us going through this process.  It feels like it's taking forever.  I'm 4 month into it and I, for one, am getting pretty sick of it. This may sound as crazy, but I'm considering a funeral.  Ceremonies add power to almost everything.  Is there any reason it wouldn't add power to my detaching and ending the grieving process?   I'm thinking of takings the cards he sent and a small collection of things he bought me and things he left here and burying them in the back yard with a small cross over the top.  The person I loved is gone forever.  Maybe it's nuts, but I think it will help me put some things to rest and maybe help when/if the recycle attempt comes.  I posted this awhile back on another thread but thought I'd repost to this one.