BPDFamily.com

So I am fairly new at the validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) thing and have already found some great results. Even more challenging is trying not to invalidate, which I tend to do all the time. That being said, I'm looking for help with a particular conflict that my uBPDw are continually having lately. We are celebrating (having... .  not sure celebrating really describes it) our 4 year wedding anniversary today. She has basically been telling me it's over for the last 6 months, well 4 years really, but the last 6 I have actually given her some sort of legitimate reason to want a divorce (I lied about being in touch with an old male friend she doesn't like... .  I lied). Anyway, our major sticking point comes with the fact that neither of us wants to fight. She says if I love her I will just change. She says that she shouldn't have to tell me what I need to change, I should know after 4 years. This has nothing to do with the lying, she just says I make her feel stressed and she doesn't want to be around me. Or, I'm not treating her well and she is unhappy when I'm around. I try to mirror what she says and ask how I can help, she just tells me that I will do what I have to if I really love her. Now she knows that we don't have tons of money, and the small "just because" gifts go straight in the trash. I have no clue where to go with this. Any ideas?

Also, my family and her family talk and they all truly believe that she will never actually leave me... .  has anyone else seen a situation like this? I thought that abandonment is one of the main fears? I feel like she would really leave me, but then again, I do deal with my own codependancy issues.

Thanks

I'm not all that experienced with validating, but it doesn't sound like validation is the issue here.  It sounds like she's trying to manipulate you into a no-win position.  If you do everything she wants, it will still never be enough.  The big black hole will never be full enough. 

I do hope you get some good advise from more experienced members on this board.  I'd love to hear what others have to say.

Am sure some others will chime in with some great advice.  A couple thoughts:

You are both tired of fighting - great - STOP!  Get the high conflict couple, read it, and simply disengage when things start getting out of control and come back to it later.

She states that you should just change.  What she really means is that you should just do/be whatever she wants.  Thats not really possible, or healthy.  Although you will change as you grow and age, it will never be exactly the way she wants (nor it should be).  Personal growth is YOUR journey.  She can accept you for who you are, or not.  Living with someone that doesnt like you gets really old fast.  But you can like YOURSELF, and live your life.  If she doesnt like it - her problem.

You lied.  Ok it happens.  I made this mistake once and then I let it destroy me.  Put it behind you and move forward with your life.  If she keeps throwing it in your face (mine did for ... .  4/5 years) then draw a line and say 'yes, I made a mistake.  I am human.  But I am moving forward now'.  Then if it comes up again just refuse to engage.  Any time it comes up change the subject, ignore that she even said it, etc etc.  No further acknowledgement of any type.  ie.  move on with living your life and no longer being stuck on past mistakes.  She may, or may not be able to move forward.  But you can.

I would get her whatever present you feel like.  A card with something written on it that is genuine/sincere (I quit writing stuff I didnt genuinely feel - so some of my anniversary notes include the reality that yes we are having problems and struggling but I still hope/want to work through them).  The present... .  something simple.  Sure it might end up in the trash - thats her choice - but you will feel good about yourself for doing it anyway.

And if you cause each other stress all the time - then thats difficult in the long run.  Its not the type of thing though, that you can fix.  It needs to be her making changes for herself (being around my wife often causes me stress - she is just a difficult person to be around - so I just go do things without her more). 

Finally, ground yourself in exactly why you stay in the relationship.

One of the sayings I used to have (which Im not so sure I have lived in recent years), is that I never want to be in a relationship with someone that doesnt want to be in it with me... .    so if she is serious about always being stressed around you, then you should question why you would want to stay.  (And you changing yourself simply to please her model of what you should be isnt the answer)

Thank you for the great info yeeter. It is really nice to hear from an outside perspective that has no motive whatsoever. What a great resource this board is! I am going to work on myself, and being happy with who I am. I feel like I do have a pretty good image of myself, I just get so caught up in the joy I've felt with my wife that my fear of loss gets to be overwhelming. I have expressed many times that I don't want this relationship to end, and that I truly want a life with her. She has been a source of much joy and happiness in my life, and I tend to never focus on all the pain. I have to accept that if she is going to leave, it's up to her, and I need to respect HER boundaries. I think disengaging is definitely the best course of action, but it's sure hard knowing it could be the last time we talk. (She left her first marriage while he was at work and they never spoke again. No kids, no court battles). Thank you again!