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Title: Was this an example of "splitting"? My first real scare and cause for concern... Post by: Dave44 on February 12, 2013, 01:59:27 PM We had been dating a few months at this point and it was mid October now. I had given my notice to move out of my place at the beginning of Oct and into hers for Nov 1st. The relationship was incredibly intense as they so often are with her constantly saying all the famous quotes like "you're the man of my dreams", "I could never go back to my old life before you", "we're a family now", "you're my soulmate", the list goes on and on. She had also constantly been talking about marriage by now as well.
Even though I had till the end of the month to be out of my apt everything except my bed (hadn't been picked up by the people I was giving it to yet) was moved into her place, sold, gave away or thrown away. I had essentially been living with her by this point. One night around this time we were laying in bed at night (at her house of course) and I wanted to pry a little more about her past particularly her 3 unplanned pregnancies as it hadn't been discussed much and it was something that was always in the back of my head. I started questioning her about it and why she hadn't used any form of birth control. I mean this is basic stuff we a learn at a very young age. She became almost violently angry, I had never seen this side of her before it was just like she snapped. She never hit me or anything but this anger came out of no where and really caught me off guard. How dare I question her about this. She got up and slammed the bedroom door. Her oldest daughter woke up and could sense something wasn't right and was clearly uncomfortable. This in turn made me uncomfortable. Not wanting the situation to escalate I decided since I still had my bed at my apt I would just go there for the night so the situation wouldn't escalate and make a scene in front of the kids... . bad idea. The next day at work I didn't hear a word from her so I texted her and asked how she was doing and if we could talk about it. She replied with "no and I think you should stay at your apt". I said ok for how long? She said "I think you should start looking for another place to live". I said what? How, why? I started to panic. I've already given my notice, I gave away all my stuff, it's the middle of the month what am I gonna do? I started to plea with her via text from work to stop and think about this, lets talk about this. She didn't want anything to do with it and actually started texting me information for places that were available to rent! I continued to plead with her and eventually she stopped responding to my texts. Now I really started to panic. I left work early and raced home to her. Walked in as asked her to speak in the bedroom. I begged and pleaded with her to not do this but she was adamate... . it was over. I started to cry quite heavily and it was literally like standing in front of a wood post. Not an ounce of emotion what-so-ever... . cold as ice. I begged and begged for her not to do this . Finally she agreed but she said "I want you to stay at your apt tonight again. You can come back in the morning". I said ok and left rattled and a little confused to say the least. Later that night around bedtime I got a text from her saying "I miss you". I responded with the same. I also got a FB message from her oldest daughter saying "I love you!" (by this time her oldest daughter (8) was regularly saying that). The next morning I went back over there after she had dropped the kids off at school. It was a little awkward for the first 5 minutes or so but we had a hug and what not (no sex). After a few minutes though it was literally as if nothing ever happened AT ALL. It was VERY bizarre, we didn't even have a talk about it or anything. It was as if things just went right back to normal, like the whole episode the day before never even happened! This was troubling to me and my first real scare and cause for concern. How could you just almost dispose of me like garbage and then act as if it never happened at all? I was puzzled, but I was safe again and very relived... . for now A month later it would happen again, only this time she meant it and cut me out of life in every way shape and form. Title: Re: Was this an example of "splitting"? My first real scare and cause for concern... Post by: chuckstrong on February 12, 2013, 02:03:50 PM Dude
There is no rhyme or reason to ANY of it... . please I beg you do what I cannot seem to do... . move on!... . put her in your rearview mirror... . even if you manage to reel her back in she's gonna do it again I promise you... . they cant help it. feel sorry for her if you wish but please take care of yourself first! You are the only one who is going to do it. I know you can. Be well. Chuck Title: Re: Was this an example of "splitting"? My first real scare and cause for concern... Post by: trevjim on February 12, 2013, 02:13:44 PM Sounds like she feels you will abandon her if she tells you about her pregnancys, so in the time she ignored you and that, she was abandoning you before you could do it to her. Then as you where trying and pleading with her, you gave her power and control and went back to how it was before.
I'm no expert but that's my take on it. Also my ex always told me she was on the pill when she got pregnant with her son (this was before me) but after we broke up I found out she actually skipped her pills and didn't tell the guy. Pretty sick. Title: Re: Was this an example of "splitting"? My first real scare and cause for concern... Post by: seeking balance on February 13, 2013, 01:48:30 PM HI Dave,
This could be seen as splitting - you pushed her into a shame place by you questions (no judgement on you, stating what looks like a fact from this post). Shame defense mechanisms can include: splitting, disassociating, gaslighting, projection, etc - all kinds of what I tend to call maladaptive behaviors. It does seem like she painted you black since you pushed the shame button. Keep in mind, this may be the first time you saw this behavior, but it likely was not the first time she felt this way towards you. Not one of my proudest moments, but I read my uBPDexw journals at the time we were separated. I found out that early on, I mean a month in - she had extreme anger towards me that was not acted upon until much later. I was shocked - there was an entire side to the relationship that I never did see. Peace, SB Title: Re: Was this an example of "splitting"? My first real scare and cause for concern... Post by: Dave44 on March 21, 2013, 01:11:21 PM Yes I can see how she felt a great deal of shame about me questioning that - but so she should. However, it's examples like this that make me question the whole BPD thing itself. Despite all the over the top love she declared for me she CLEARLY demonstrated how disposable I was. I often hear the phrase "walking on egg shells" used a lot. I can sure say after this episode I really was walking on egg shells as I was so worried she would do it again - sure enough she did. But like I was saying, BPD always involves the push pull cycle. With her there was non of that - I was completely disposable with no interest in "reaching out" what so ever. As stated in my original post here if it wasn't for me pleading and begging for another chance I would have never heard from her again. Just like when it happened again and she ended it for good... . I never heard a word from her again.
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