BPDFamily.com

Hi

My pwuBPD nearly always starts fighting when I'm ill. I make clear I'm not feeling well, I stay mostly in bed, do a few chores I feel up to.

And my partner nearly always finds a reason to scold and yell.

Of course when I feel sick I think more about myself, do what I can to get better. I don't think I whine or am hypochondriac (I'm usually ill for 2 days a year the most). but I can imagine the shift of me putting myself first feels dramatic to my partner.

I don't think I'm a burden then, but if I can't receive comfort while ill I'll settle for being left alone. But I sure don't have the energy for arguments at those moments.

Do others experience the same thing?

I HAVE seen this in many cases. Ive seen stories here of BPD people freaking out and getting dysregulated when partners get sick or NEED anything from them such as comforting or sympathy or anything. Ive seen many stories like this. Not sure the reason behind it. It seems to be that when they sense you NEED them they freak. I did notice this in my BPD person as well. I never got sick, but anytime I expressed a NEED for anything, hed get weird and distant. I read from a person with BPD she said her mother would notncare for her when she was ill. She would take her to school sick and vomitting in the car and the mother would say what is your problem? And drop her off at school. This BPD person said she had difficulty caring for her husband when he was sick and would get annoyed that he was sick because she wanted to go shopping. Lack of empathy.

I find this behavior very common, from my own experience and reading of the experiences of others. One member here even reported that he was bedridden ill with the flu and his BPDgf came home from a night out with the girls drinking, and essentially forced him to perform sexually despite his repeated objections. He was mortified because he felt he was raped (and technically he was).

With my xBPDw, I could "get away with" being sick one or maybe two days. After a few days I could sense her agitation. She had to do all the chores and errands, and my focus was me and not her. Her asking me how I felt was more about her sizing up whether she had to be a caretaker yet again than a real concern. And she would never let me forget the things she HAD to do while I was sick. I would always wonder what would happen if I was disabled or seriously ill for the long term. Thank God it never happened.

I never found a way to improve things in this area. I was sick and all I wanted was to be left alone if she was going to bark at me.

I've experienced both.

If I'm extremely sick and need to go to the hospital (like for lung problems), he freaks out and starts fearing the worst (me dying) and he gets really upset with everyone around me (like the hospital doesn't take care of me (he often will say stuff like he will pay the nurse double her salary if she agrees to sit in my room and care only for me) and becomes overbearing with me. Often, I have to ask him to wait for me in the car while I'm at the ER until they say I'm staying for a few days. Then I allow him in. He once entered the evaluation room, while the nurse was seeing someone else and asked him to leave so she could see me. I was sure we were getting kicked out.

If I have a cold or something like that, then I get very little attention until I'm sick for more than 2 days. After that I get a little more attention (he checks if I need anything, then leaves for a few hours to watch tv or play videogames), but I get the comments about me not making diner or stuff like that.

Yes, there seems to be a lack of empathy, which may be the case, as well as a fear of things being out of their control. It's not only about me not giving him attention; he has treated other family members in the ways you all have described. I have learned to accept my illness and heal myself rather than pushing to the point of exhaustion. My health and our children's are the main priority now; I'm concerned for his health too though since he seems pretty disconnected from his own well-being, drinks and eats too much.

So, yes. I'm trying to return to healthier ways but it takes an effort.

No. My bf takes care of me when I'm sick.

This depends on my H's mood. I have had a extreme tooth ache and he was basically a nightmare to be around because I wasn't up for anything besides laying down. I just wanted to cry cause my tooth hurt so much. At one point I had a terrible sore throat and lost my voice almost completely. I really don't get sick often and I don't ask him to take care of me. I don't turn it down if he offers though. He managed to get mad at me even though i couldn't even talk. If I am just a little sick he does well to take care of me most of the time. I guess it's only when I really need him most that he falls apart on me.

He was vicious to his mother when she was going through chemo for cancer. He would go from extremely worried about her and caring to almost Evil towards her.

Thanks for all the responses!

Some sad stories between them, sympathy to all. You seem to be lucky Redright!

But the confirmation of all of you, Walrus, Forever, GoFish, Cloudy does help in the sense I'm not just making it up or revelling in self-pity ;-)

And LifeGoesOn, I do think you have a point there. We nons seek being needed but BPD might just fear what impact it has on them? It might make sense looking at it from a childlike perspective; we nons take care of them and us fallinf ill might be like a parent falling away to a young child. Scary, what s going to happen, who is going to take care of the child?

Is it another sign that we normally take care too much, not stimulating their self-reliance?

Thanks all!

I have never thought of it like this. I makes a lot of sense, I remember being a child when my mom was sick (really bad car accident) . It scared the crap out of me.

I know that I do baby my husband too much. It's getting better though. I used to make every doctors apointment and I would have to go with him just to get him to go. We are making a lot of progress on that! I think once we realize what is happenig we can start to change it.

Yes interesting tryingtogetit. Perhaps their fear of abandoment is triggered when their SO is ill. And thus they lose the ability to be empathetic.

Mine is a tricky one, she is pretty hypochondriac herself, and so when I am even slightly sick she likes to demonstrate her expertise in the area, adding in her early training as nurse, leading to treating everything as severe.

It feels like empathy except it is over the top, almost as if she is using it to validate her own over acting and trying to convince me that there is no such thing as being a little sick, wanting me to rush off to the pharmacist and buy everything on the shelves, as she would.

She will always catch whatever it is I have, even if I have made it up.

OMG! soo true! yes they get mad if your sick, depressed, and ive been forced to give sexual pleasure. so D all of the above.