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Just want to update everyone here that after 3 days of roller coaster emotions, I said no more. She told me leaving her is the biggest mistake I would ever make, I never would find happiness if I just abandon her. Also that I am the worst person ever... .  but never a mention of the horror I suffered Saturday night. If I forced it up in conversation she would say "I didnt forget what I did" and thats it! Pretty much like it never happened. ... and my pain is meaningless. I can honestly say I feel so worthless and low. The thought of saturday night me laying there in physical pain from allowing her to just pummel me... .  my room destroyed. ... and her standing over me spitting into my face several times before she turned and left... .  its so much misery.

And despite it all she makes it very clear this morning I have now been the sole cause of it ending and now I wasted the last year of her life. And me being me... .  I feel sad... .  sad from the things she says... .  I dont want to respond to her last cruel messages about my "cruel abandonmen" of her... .  but I am hurting and confused inside... .  and feel like... .  what kind of weak pathetic man have I become. ...

I'm sorry for what you've been through. This is blatant abuse. Our vows did not say love, honor and take the abuse. It sounds to me that now you have a chance to find the happiness you and so many of us long for. How else could you find it but to leave?

Sometimes I think the biggest mistake I've made is to continue on as if "this is the last time, he'll never do this again." And they can behave for awhile but always return to their "ways" because it is what is in their hearts, it is what they believe that is sick. There is no empathy, only their wants and needs. I once told my uBPDh that I'd like to cut his heart out and give him a new one -- and he said "Go ahead!" I think he'd like me to end his misery so he doesn't have to, but whoa - not that fast or easy guy. I wish you peace in whatever decisions you make today.

HLH

Hi Ante --

I'm so sorry for the sorrow you feel.  I know exactly what you mean.  The final straw for me was after crazyx had held me hostage in my own home for almost 3 days.  It was horrible.  And yes... .  being spit on is such an insult (as if all of the rest of it isn't enough.) Anyway, I was lucky enough to escape and call the Police. Apparently, he was STILL raging when they showed up (I was hiding in the bushes.) He was hauled off in handcuffs.  That was the last time I saw him. 

However... .  we DID talk after that and I heard all of the same things you've written here.   I heard how I was making the biggest mistake of my life.  I heard how I'd never find anyone who loved me the way he did (I'm grateful I never have.  His "love" nearly killed me.)  And... .  when I brought up the events of that 3 day horror show, he denied it all.  When I said "what about the Police report detailing the entire incident?"  He said that the Police made that up.  So, in addition to being assaulted and abused, there was NEVER any validation from him about what had happened.

After this... .  I received thousands of blatantly cruel messages and emails.  And after that... .  he stalked me for YEARS.

These situations leave us feeling stunned.  STUNNED. 

No one here can tell you what to do, Ante... .    I can only tell you about my own personal experience.  And for me... .  the cruelty that you speak of NEVER stopped... .  it only got worse.

We are here for you no matter what you decide.

turtle