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I mean can I cope with my health issues...

I know he should of never came back but now we are here again and it's so volitale... .  No talking really and I basically told him I'm seeing a T next week and what is he planning on doing?

He won't revisit that and said "I'm out of here... " So he has money to move and I can make it...    I told him i'm finding a roommate and he's gotta be the one to go this time.

This is so crazy... But how long can you live with someone that won't talk to you or respect the fact that you are REALLY sick?

He does try to help out and do little things but he doesn't see the big picture... with this illness... how can he.  He's so miserable and now so am I again...

A big hug, Bravegirl! 

I hear your pain and vulnerability.

I am very glad you reached out to a T.

Do you have any other support beside him? Friends, neighbors, family?

Yes,

I have a good support system and the T is right on time...

I hate having to deal with this but it has to happen.  He's packing now and a part of me is sad but a 'bigger' part of me is exhilerated!

It won't be easy but at least this time its happening the way it should of happened last time. Him leaving, and not me without a gameplan.

I didn't want this but I also didn't think it through...   How could I?  I'm mentally wasted in many area's. 

BUt not so much as to just accept that this is it for me...

Nope... I do have enough brains left to know I cannot live like this.  It's been  months now and i've gotten sicker... so, I wonder why?

I definitely have PTSD cuz he makes me so nervous inside and I can't blame him for that cuz I need to work through that I guess...

But I also know that I cannot feel any closeness to him wth all this anxiety and pain from the past and present that he refuses to even talk about now.

So he's moving out tomorrow and I'm putting my game face on and looking toward the future... .  with optimism and hope... and the reality of remembering how fleeting life is and to LIVE in the Moment...   How I long for this to pass quickly and as painless as possible... or should I say, as drama free'' as possible.

So far he's being cordial and saying a few things... that are not so nice...   changing up from here to there...

"One thing that will bring me satisfaction is knowing you're going to suffer... "  not so nice or cordial that day...    

Then today... I am not sad about anything...   I made a mistake coming back... ""  so true... We both did...   andn today he's just packing up all his kitchen items...

Just being able to move things around and get all my stuff out of my bedroom where i've basically had to live for the last 4 months is liberating.

He took over my desk, the livingroom, the fireplace. the kitchen and I was left with all my things in the bedroom... I couldn 't wait to pull them back out and put them in their proper place... Talk about control...   And I should of been so happy...     I could of came out of there anytimg I wanted to... so he says'.

Yeah, if I wanted to hear how to do it, why i did it that way... him coming behind me to do it the 'right way' and so much energy.  I chose to stayin my bedroom for sanity's sake...

So this chapter is closing... i'm a thinkin... 3 times will be a charm...

I know it takes a few times to finally leave an abuser so i'm not going to beat myself up on this... I'm responsible for a lot of this but I am only able to function so well after the r/s i've allowed myself to be in for over 2 decades... I have to remember that this is the best I had but I will get better slowly... .  

I am so grateful for the fact that He finally 'agreed' to leave without too much drama.

He packed up his room yesterday and called his mom and found a place that he can move into on the 27th.

I am very glad to know it is happening this time the right way...  us here together, agreeing on what he take's what we both feel is right and he's willing to be reasonable to some degree.

I can't believe. well yes i can... that it takes this to get him off the couch and away from Nascar and his video games...

No motivation to look for work or to even go outside... Just stay in the house and control everything... This is the best thing that could of happened to US.

He and I both can really see how toxic we were for each other and he knows that... .  I can see how much at peace he is with just moving out and knowing he's got 10 grand left.

That is what is saving me...  he's got money and wont be in a bind...  I on the other hand will find a roommate and be just fine.

I feel more together this time and more enlightened ya might say...  so the reality of the situation and what lies ahead...  speaking from experience.

So it takes a few tries to detach completely from this type of r/s...  controlling, abusive, and all you've known... but eventually we can succeed... if we stay true to ourselves...   and I know for the last 4 months, living in my bedroom again, I was being anything BUT being true to myself... bad news...

Now I am already bringing items back in the livingroom and kitchen where they belong...   as he hums and packs...  amazing...  big sigh... inhale... .  exhale... .  inhale... .  exhale... .  Life is good... challenging but this had to happen I assume... for him and me to grow a little bit more and realize just how detached we already were... .  

It is rare and positive when this can happen this way.  Please report in tomorrow--saying prayers that it stays healing and positive!  After some very dramatic moments, my ex and I finally truly parted on Dec. 14, in a very loving way, and I am very grateful for that.  He is doing much better in his life without me, I am faring less well, but will be OK.  :)  You will be too!   

You two have shared so much living, good times and bad.  If it can be peaceful between you both, that would be so cool.  |iiii  I like living in my house how I want to live.  No one working on me, it's peaceful.  Here's to healing and recovery, as quickly as possible for you.  

Good riddance 1BG, I'm old school I suppose and still think men should take care of their woman, not vice-versa. I don't have a lot of sympathy for someone that hurts other people, does it intentionally, knows it is wrong, and keeps doing it over and over again. Regardless of what label one puts on it and what particular form of craziness it may be. This is more mean than crazy to me, or at least a fairly even combination, including a high degree of immaturity. Men who have stepped up to the responsibility plate would see your situation as incomprehensible, although I know it is real hard to get out, no doubt.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you however, you've lived up to your screen name in every way. Take care, and good luck moving forward.

You seemed happiest when you were close to nature, taking hikes, and had your little doggies nearby. You're a sweetheart too.

|iiii

Thank you both so much for the support...   I will always remember how you both have been here for me thru so much...

He's packing up the uhaul as i type this and asked me... How much it would take to be done with me forever... 'the nerve huh?'

Due to me asking about spousal support...   He asked me that.  So I said...   he can pay his 2 weeks worth of bills here and give me 1,000.00 so I can have a little leway for a roommate.

He actually agreed and had the nerve to ask if we could be together one more time...    AS IF!  I respectfully replied... um. no...   looser...   I said... "lets' not muddy up the water's anymore... umkay? ... .    :light:

So, I feel kinda sick to my stomach but know it will be better after tomorrow... I'm still kinda in shock that he actually got his butt up and is doing this.   God is good.

That's all I can say.   I know this is what it will take to help him make his way in life.  The dynamic's with us has always been him allowing me to control the responsible stuff while he controls my environment and keeps me in the backroom somewhere...   at least the last several years have been like that.

Before he'd smoke weed and stay in the backroom and i had the run of the house... but his illness progressed and he wanted to control every aspect of the house except my room...   so much illness and meanness, as you said lurchlookalike...   Crazy does  not cover all of this...  

But It's almost over now... I can tell he want's this too and is trying to be cordial/ (with his personal agenda in mind) but regardless, I know in my Heart... this is the last go round...

Kinda sad really, to see him look half way decent when he's flexing his muscles...   before they completely atrophy... lol

He still is handsome and has some money so i'm thinking he'll be ok.

He's made his way on his looks for so long it's a good thing for him he hasn't completely lost them...   but he better hurry up cuz :light:

time is NOT on his side.

I won't be worrying about him though... I have so much to think about for my own life and it won't be easy but it will be so rewarding...

Here's to tomorrow...   one more day of him here.

He actually lowered himself and finally :light:  the first time EVER, slept on the couch when i said it's either that or a hotel.

I thought i was dreaming... exh actually on the couch with his 220lb body... .    good for you!

I slept very good in my bed... without having drama next to me... .  and plan on sleeping that way for many many years to come.

He's moving his big BBQ'r now and I'm thinking he should just stay at a hotel tonight right? 

This is a bit Awkward... .     suggestions?  I'm hangin though...   need some chamomile tea... .    or xanax... .    1bg

Thank you Changed...

I didn't see your post.   I feel exactly the same way... We are poison for each other...   the dynamic's are too deeply engrained and as toxic as they come.

I don't like him and he think's i'm an object to be used and abused when he feels the need...     it's been this way for years...

I am so glad he's leaving and making it seem as if He's in charge... so he can cope with this...   He said he didn't want the humiliation to leave again but i reminded him...

"Isn't it more humilitating to live this lie?  and be so miserable with me?"  I'll take humiliation for another break up any time...

I guess he thought about it and finally did something about it yesterday...

Today he's being very polite at times... lol  and has offered to give me 1,000.00 to be on his way and not have to worry about any spousal support.

Im thinking that I should take the money and run since dealing with him in anyway is what got me back into this mess in the first place.

He asked me to nver never never call him again and I said 'no problem... ditto... "

It still feels surreal but stings a little bit too.

I am kinda numb right now but looking forward to not living in a small room anymore that.s for sure.

Thanks again and I pray you too will be just as good as new asap!

love 1bg o

He's packing up the UHAUL for the 3rd time in 3 yrs and I know/ we both know this is all she wrote.

I feel so shaky inside to know after all these painful years, it's finally coming to a close...

Being alone for 3 yrs was hard at times but it's the only time I can remember I was happy and able to be me or even find out what that looked like.

So i'm welcoming the change and hoping to finally be wise enough and strong enough to figure out this thing called 'my life' at 49.

I'd say it's high time to start living huh?  30 yrs is long enough...

49?  You're the same age as me!  Ride out whatever you are feeling, it is OK, if you're numb or if you're grieving or happy... .  just try to be with it for right now.   

Oddly enough ... .  I think a bunch of us are 49, or close to it.  What's up with that?

Dam it! Im only 47... .  LOL!

It's a good age to wake up and smell the coffee and still feel young enough to do something about it!

I am alone now... He left today and didn't look back. 

I got the dogs in the truck and out we went to the dogpark, after cleaning up the mess he left behind.

It feels so surreal... One day he's here and it seems like i'm stuck again in the 7th circle of hell and just like that...   He packs up and he's gone...    so weird.

But im not complaining... just kinda stunned and trying to exhale and go with this. even the dog is like... where'd he go? cats too.

so sad but so necessary...   i'm just going to mentally shut down for tonight and veg out...    thanks guys...    xo

He left...   He didn't even need to stay after all.  He packed up the Uhaul and out the door he went... About 1pm...   he was gone.   Just like that.

Didn't look back, pass go, collect 200 dollars...   lol

But I did collect 1200.00 from him and hopefully the check will clear...

And now i'm just regrouping and allowing my head to stop spinning.  What a crazy past 4 months this has been.

I know this time will be so much better, I'm working part time... I have a little money saved... .  I am getting stable health wise and just feel emotionally stronger surprisingly.

So just being in my house with the comfort of not having to worry about everything... I have 2 cords of wood and my animals and good friends and a loving God that will keep watching over me...   what more can I ask for.

I'm praying He will make his way successful as he usually does when we're apart... But together he can't find it inside him to do what it takes to stay upbeat and out of a depression.  It's so weird but not my job to try and figure that one out any longer... never really was, I know.

but now it's all about my own personal growth and time to really be a big girl... Noone to make me dinner or bring me my coffee. At least not this year.

I know that one day I will find someone very loving and respectful and I'll be in such a better place to offer them something awesome in return.  I'm a long way off from that but the hope of a better life is a pleasant thought...  

Talk about some amazing Wisdom...  

Quote

I created this monster and just want to be in a healthy place again.

You did not create this monster, you had hope because you loved him and he was doing what abusers do, saying the right thing and working your trust in order to believe him, again. Whether his manipulation of you was intentional, or just how he "do" is not the point, the point is, the man is capable of hurting you. The reality is-sometimes it takes time to realize this and then the other is acceptance that because you love him, he is capable of pulling the wool, one more time.

Now that you know what you know, gave it your best shot, listened with a compassionate Christian heart to the possibilities that he was working on his issues and on the road to recovery, and you tried again. It didn't work but girl, it is not your fault, it is only your lesson.

Now, about that depression and sadness... .  

you have been through some MAJOR LIFE ISSUES, a near death experience due to your health, limited finances, a job ending, a beloved pet dying and a move.

Right now, your spirit is probably saying, "okay Lord, I get it, this girl is humbled enough, where is the lesson"?

And slowly the lesson is revealed.

I read your posts 1BG and you know, I read a life of a strong, independent woman coming to terms with the violence served upon her, I read the life journey of a survivor.

So if right now, you don't feel so strong... and given ALL you are going through... .  who would?

So, remember to love on yourself, think of all your strengths, acknowledge you have been through stressful events, remember you will get through this, and trust in the process. Breathe, just breathe... .  

Please keep posting about your rental assistance and I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time... I wish it were easier. Remember BREAKING FREE is never easy, NEVER.

Just this week was my daughters wedding... it was beautiful, exH behaved very well and then after it was all over and no one was around and we were cleaning up the hall... .  he corners me and all hell breaks loose.

Now up until that point, my heart was full thinking, maybe he is changing, my hope began to rise that maybe this time his better nature would continue, and as I hoped this, that old feeling of why I loved him returned...

It is just that easy 1BG, just that quick, to have our heads and better instincts turned ONE MORE TIME.

This is what I have learned, that there is a part of me that will always, always be drawn to him. That a part of me will always have this hope or wish for his healing, for a happy ever after, because I am driven that way.

And with this realization comes the knowing, it will NEVER happen, not with me. And life is far too short to wait and see what happens.

Your exH is disturbed, he is disordered,and once again your tender heart and loving ways gave him a chance. You did not create the monster 1BG, it is NOT your fault.

Take care,  

C

 

He didn't give notice & I can move back Please Advise...

« Reply #56 on: September 12, 2012, 06:10:17 PM » Quote  

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1BG,

   I totally agree with C12P21, and want you to know we all care and want your happiness and well being.  

With all my love and hoping your mood improves.  Art  

Back to the present... Feb 15th 2013... .   

I didn't read this post until just today due to not being able to even contemplate getting on this website out of sheer breakdown of spirit and total exhaustion...  and in the interim I allowed him to return once more!

So that really drives the point home like never before...  This is from last Sept and I am so comforted by their words at this very moment due to my situation turning another corner once more... Talk about history repeating itself.  Amazing the degree of this illness...

This hasn't been easy to break free from and just like C said... .  I too have had that feeling of being drawn back in too easily if I think he's showing any signs of changing or the crazy notion of 'what if?'  What if he's better this time...  NO!  There is no better for us.  not now  not ever.

We have to say goodbye and be done with the chemistry that we have felt for each other for far too long...  sick chemistry mixed with pleasure and pain.  more pain than anything else... and its finally time to NOT look back.   ever.

thank you both so much... .  

1BraveGirl,

I noticed that you had posted recently on trying to get back together and it looks like it didn't work out.  I'm very sorry to hear this.  

Since there has been a long history with this man maybe working through the lessons here on leaving will help.  All that dancing gives you a bit of insight.  From your old posts after you left and reestablished yourself you sounded like things were looking up... .  and then you guys got back together (I know this story personally I lived it too)

If you were to place yourself on the Attachment Leads to Suffering Detachment Leads to Freedom Stages (right hand margin towards the top -----> over there and up) where would you place yourself?  1, 2,3, 4, etc and why?

I'd like to ask you a very important question because I've been in this place you are at and a good friend asked it of me... .  What are going to do differently this time?

It's good you have empathy for him and wish him well on his way.

So what's next for you? 

Fight any urges to ever contact him or allow myself to get sucked in again... .  

How you say do I do this successfully? Well, I'm going to stay determined to have my life back permanently.

I allowed him to come here again after being away this last time for almost a year and I didn't even agree to him moving in.  He just came!

And that's what happens if I even attempt to talk to him in any way shape or form.  He see's it as an easy out.  easy sex, easy life for him...   forget what it does to me... and he comes runnin.

I for my part wasn't the same person this time and didn't even realize how much I'd truly grown apart from him and detached almost completely from him emotionally.

I got sicker with him here and just shut down the same way he does... So we were both in shutdown mode and neither one of us had the backbone to admit it was a HUGE failure to repeat this madness.

So a few months into it and I had to just say... .    I made a mistake... I was very sick with pre addisons disease, not enough cortisol or any other essential hormone to even think properly and called him out of mental illness...   basically. Just panicked or started to miss him for a split second and then before I knew it he was driving up here with all of his stuff!

I asked for this mess unintentionally but I have to remember what happens and how he thinks.There is no reasonableness with him once he see's a way back in.

NOw after  months of complete misery for both of us, I'm thinking he may be finally ready to move on also...   There was no easy out here, easy sex or easy anything else.  I was totally detached from him and stayed in my room for 4 months.

Even when I could of been on the couch with him, my body still wouldn't let me.  PTSD is very real and I just didn't have it in me to be close to him.

Besides the fact that every time I tried he shut me down with his bad abusive and very rude behavior so I couldn't win for losin.

So I guess I can read this post everyday with the understanding that I am moving forward regardless of my own convenient amneshia or my selective memory recall.

I have to move forward if I ever want to start to live any type of decent life and not just exist to say " BG was here... " lol

No! I am a living, feeling, breathing, happy, loving humanbeing that has soo much more to offer than just being a prisoner in her own mind and home! figuratively and literally!

So I will go thru the lessons and gleen what I can from them but really... I think this was the final lesson I needed to really let go.

I mean, 25 yrs married this July and 3 yrs before that dating; it would reasonably take some effort to break this pattern of abuse and my own stinkin thinkin.

At 49, buried both parents after caring for them both, now being able to really... let go of a very long arduous journey of a marriage without any regrets whatsoever... I just don't have energy to feel regret, What I do have though is energy to learn from the choices I made and why I made them and what will make this time better.

Not acting on impulse and not letting fear of failure or change overtake me.

I see that with my illness of not making enough cortisol, you can't tolerate stress, even in small doses so that created this pattern this past year or so.

I left without any gameplan after he moved up here without me saying "yes dear, please come and move in." NO...   He just showed up.

Me with no backbone or wanting to conveniently live in a dreamworld let him do it.

So that wouldn't happen again.  I'm not a dreamer anymore... At least not that way.

I also realize that this last time I left here I felt no other way out. He wouldn't leave so I had to rush out the door in order to survive and keep breathing, or so I felt.

It killed me physically and mentally and I ended up embarking on one of the hardest years of my life... filled with pain, hospitalization, poverty, losing my best friend. one of two beautiful big dogs and just feeling so completely broken.

Finding my way back to this home after he finally agreed to leave 7 months later and now after 4 months of him returning, only to do it all over again and be more miserable than the last time we tried this... .    lessons to be learned...   All very valuable lessons.

And not just for me but for him too... He had a somewhat sigh of relief on his face as he packed up the last of his things and drove off and I felt it too.

I really think he's also came to the realization that we are not compatible and never really have been.  He's a worldly type of guy that really doesn't want to change and I'm more of your fun loving but very high moral kind a girl.  He's all control and serious and what's in it for me and i'm more, let it go and how can I help someone else...

We are so different, worlds apart really and we just didn't know how to break the chain of events... But I think we're done now.  I know I am.

I am pretty certain he may be as well.

So just living this for so long has helped me appreciate everything I have now and just how well this last one has turned out.

I'm in my home...   enough money to buy some time to find a roommate or whatever... have a part time job even with a bad right arm from a horrible fall in April, that needs surgery.  torn tendons and bicep muscle...   and I still found myself a parttime job for a surgeons office 5 minutes away doing managerial work and no blood pressures or runnin around for 8 hours...

So that right there is way better...   I feel stronger emotionally like I am going to be ok now.  I am not as carefree and happy like before but maybe i'm just more mature now?  I am looking forward to doing a lot more laughing and horsin around but I also am determined to be successful now at making my life a happy one and one I can be proud of and not ashamed of.

Allowing myself to let my h back in my home knowing how abusive he's been and how he hasn't done the work to change was very embarrassing and humiliating for me.  I didn't do it for purely selfish reasons or out of fear, of course the niave side of me still wanted to be hopeful that we can make it work and not of wasted 25 yrs for nothing... but it wasn't for nothing.

Its taught me so much about myself and how much I have needed to grow up and stop making excuses...   He will have to do his own soul searching but for me... I'm feeling pretty ok.  A little sad but more ok than sad.

So any other suggestions are so welcomed and appreciated.

I see my T again after 8 mos vacation due to all the health issues I've endured and I can't wait to reestablish that r/s.

And get back to my Christian meetings regularly and just start to visit friends and live my life.  I've been saying this for the longest but something has always kept me stuck.  I think that something was my mind and the r/s and still being paralyzed by my own fearful thoughts.

I am going to make that a priority to work thru in T and get past all of this and be a success story.  A promise to myself for working so hard to stay sane for so many years... lol

comments welcomed.

Love 1bravegirl

Often times this type of relationship is a no-win.  Or can't win for losin.

What was the driving force behind reuniting?

What step in the Lessons and the Detachment stages do you see yourself in?  

Brilliant minds... lol

I'm going to read them manyana... I promise...  I'm so tired now after the stress and anxiety of him packing up everything today and leaving.  It all was somewhat unexpected even though I asked him to move and gave him 30 days.

He actually refused and then before I knew it was packing everything up.

So my mind is definitely on overdrive and I need to calm it down and just chill... .   chill... .  out.

And read more about this manyana...   seriously though... Thank you SO much for such an important question.  What will I do differently?  Priceless... 1bg

I am going to hold you to this 1bg.  It's out of genuine care. :)

More growing and insight through my own personal inner work with the help of my Faith and my Therapist.

I know I have a lot to learn from all of this and it does take two to tango... .    and I have permanently removed myself from the dancefloor.  took off the dancin shoes and are ready to learn a new dance.

One that is not dysfunctional any longer and has self respect in the forefront of the process.

Learning how I allow myself to return to this place and do all I can to not repeat the cycle again.  Bad health has certainly contributed to my faulty thinking and unwise decisions and thankfully i'm feeling more stronger now and that will for sure work in my favor.

Thanks again for the great question.  Love 1bg

Thank you... I am glad you will.  A promise is a promise...

I'll elaborate on what I will apply to myself soon...   Sincerely 1bg 

Day one of waking up and feeling better already.

I was a little out of it last night but then started to clean everything up and get all my items that were previously stuffed in my closet so he didn't have to see them, now they are in the second bdrm in order but allowing me to have access to my clothes closet... .  

I have the place feeling and smelling better already and this is how I actually feel...  

I feel like I can breathe now.  It's like, God allowed him to come back to set me up right this time... and then leave again leaving me much better off and in peace and with 1200 bucks to stay afloat for a minute while I figure this out.

Working part time will help tremendously and my Pre Addisons symptoms are feeling better already! amazing...

So overall, the house is all clean and smells even better and my mind is next!

So i'll be ok...   The animals even seem more relaxed today... yesterday they looked perplexed.  It's starting to feel more peaceful already.

This time will be so much better... .   |iiii

I am excited and happy for you reading this.   

So glad to see you back, 1BG!  You were going through so much when you stopped posting.  I can totally understand how your H ended up back in your life.  I know it was rough but I'm glad he was there for you a little when you needed it.

You guys have had a connection, it just needs to evolve into something else.  Too much control there.  Eventually those 25 years will morph into something that no longer feels like regret.  Change and growth just seems to be painful for some of us.  Growing pains I guess.  Like when we were kids.  Some had them, some didn't. 

How are you going to look for a room mate?  I'm thinking about that kind of thing a little.

1bg good morning/afternoon ... .  You promised me you would read the detachment stages and let me know where you feel you are at and why.    :)

Happy to hear you are feeling better and the fresh air/walking is helping.  In that spirit let's continue with this theme and take advantage of the lessons and the moment.

You say so many wise things, 1BG. I'm glad this has an outcome that leaves you strong and hopeful. Feeling good where one lives is everything, and I continue to tell myself to plan, and all the while, aging takes its toll. You are at a wonderful age!

You've been through a lot, but learned so much, and I like it that the relationship ended with the best possible outcome.

It is so great that at the same time, you have a doctor who is helping you manage the symptoms and be active, so you can do the things you feel like accomplishing now. With a comfortable home and environment, it will get even better, I think.

Still enjoy hearing about your walks!

You guys are wonderful... .  

I am glad to be back and I do feel so blessed to be in 'almost' one piece at the end of the day.  a 25 yr day... .  uggh.

But no regrets for sure... Only time to grow up.  I was up this morning feeling so happy and relieved... and still sad that he is now the one to put forth a lot of effort to recreate his life.  I know how that feels and it ages you fast.  So i'm not happy that he's needing to do that but it's probably the only way he'll have a chance to keep growing as well. But for now... .  better him than me !  right?  I did it too many times... I guess that's why I feel empathy for him.  In a balanced sense though...

I am ready to focus on me now and get healthy.   Can you copy and paste a link to the lessons your talking about?  or i'll search for them if that isn't an option.  But not to worry... I am all about strengthening myself to stay together and finally be a grown up here. at 49 going on 50 in Nov...  too much...

Here's my morning... I'm so proud of myself... .  lol

and What a great morning this is.  I got up, one of my closest friends

stopped by to check on me thinking i'd be kinda down... Nothing of the sort.

I am feeling so relieved and started to gut every room!

Made myself Bacon and eggs for everyone! Dog and kitties too! lol

And didn't even burn myself (that bad... lol)

Last time I moved up here to the mountains I attempted to cook bacon and poured grease in a container that was too small, burned my hands trying to move it and the grease popped in my eye and on my face...

I thought to myself... "well no wonder I don't cook... " hahaha

I allowed xBPDh to cook everyday for the past 10 yrs now and it costed me dearly.

But today it's like i'm fearless.  I remembered how my grandma cooked bacon and egg's and left the hot bacon grease in the iron skillet and then put the eggs right in and cooked them sunny side up with the spatula pushing the hot grease over the top...  they turned out so good.

I only broke one egg yolk...  lol

So now i'm getting ready to take a shower and get er done!  I have created a mess in every big room unfortunately so I think i'll be here a while...

But I don't feel sick... .  hmmm... .  I see a connection there. I don't feel super great either but i'm moving in the right direction.

So after I pondered on my newfound ability to cook bacon pretty effortlessly... I thought to myself.  OMG>>  I'm finally growing up!

That's it! I've been catered to for so long as a child, then these unhealty r/s with abusive men (2 of them married them both) and then my caretaking of parents that was anything but balanced... hindsight.  even though I loved them so much.  Still No time to focus on me and my ability to care for me and mature in my own head.

But that's where last year comes into play. And the 2 yrs before that when I embarked on my first move up here and then the hardest struggling year of my life last year living in poverty and losing my beloved husky... and then gettin so sick and being hospitalized and then falling and almost breaking my arm the next month. (march and then april 2012... ) and now still needing surgery for tendon tears on R arm... )  so many pitfalls that I probably created, some were unavoidable... but I was living on impulse and not thinkin it through...

some of that was low cortisol, some of that was just emotional immaturity.  The combo is a killer.

So now...  I'm growing up for real this time... oh boy... as my mom would say when she was happy about something... lol    

It's going to be a good day... .  one day at a time... what am i saying... it's already a good day.

I'm trying to really stay 'In the moment' and be more mindful of every second I have to enjoy my life and feel pleasure from the smallest of things I experience; just writing this now and seeing so much progress in my life through all the muddy waters around me...   the water is becoming clear and fresh and actually drinkable... .  and that is amazing to me.  My arm hurts! But one bite at a time. This was ONE BIG elephant...

Love you guys and thanks for still being there.  amazing.  o

Forgot to add... to Salut...

I'm not sure yet about the roommate thingy.  I have some breathing room for a minute, Lord know's I need that, then i'll make it a matter of serious prayer and look from within my Christian congregation and to friends I know up here and see what happens.

I have a feeling it's all gonna work out... |iiii  for you too...   You're such a loving and sweet person.  It will work out.  for you too At_Bay! and ditto on the loving, sweetness.  stay healthy as possible... .  love 1bg

1bg the topic of emotional maturity is a really good one.  We can bring quite a bit to the table that allows a dysfunctional relationship to thrive.

People select marriage partners who have the same level of emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D

Have you identified things in the relationship as far as your emotional maturity you would like to work on or are working on currently?

Yes, I definitely have...

My inability to address my own personal issues...   I have created a blanket or shield around myself in order to remain in this r/s by staying busy in everybody elses business...

What I mean by that is finding ways to avoid the inevitable.  Cause if I look at myself too deeply i'll have to answer those all too painful questions as to 'WHY?" have I chosen to be stuck in such misery and unhappiness for so long?

And the answer is complex and not easy to answer... Not in one sentence anyway...

But due to the nature of events, (3 parents one right after the other getting terminal cancer... period of 6 yrs total caretaking daily) I was able to pour myself into them (which I was glad to be with them and not abused at home... ) But that all created more of a smokescreen for me to not work on my own painful issues.

That takes us back to your question.  What can I see now due to immaturity that I can or have been working on.

My ability to take care of me and be responsible for my decisions and be totally honest about things.

I can't live a lie anymore. And I'm a very honest person.  usually...

So the past 4 months I personally recognized was a total lie and there was no way I was going to just accept that this was it for me AGAIN>>   I tried to explain that to him but he just laughed it off. 

"Oh, you don't mean that... You'll be lovin on me again tomorrow... "  huh?   I don't think so... .  

I hadn't been able to love on him since he returned and I'm sure he felt it.   He wasn't really able to love on me much either.

It was a lose lose situation but we both ran right back into it basically cus that's what 'Kids' do.

So i need the link to the lessons please... lol

1bg  |iiii

I get it now...  Oh boy do I get it. :light: :light:

What an Aha! Moment i'm having...   Thank you Lord! and you too GreenMango... .  |iiii

I was already doing so much of what the article suggests that we do in order to completely start to disengage.

I had already emotionally disengaged a few years ago as far as having those strong feelings for him or missing him.

I didn't even miss him or think of him hardly EVER. Never cried for him once!

Until I became emotionally unstable... .  or weak and feeble minded... then he started to look inviting again.  It was all about my stability and I know all of this.

I told him that! This past month I tried to explain to him why I contacted him and drove 200 miles to see a Dr and then drive by his house... (HUGE mistake.) but I was so vulnerable and sick and scared... now I know I could of easily stuck it out but chose the so called 'easier route... ' and it was anything but easy.

I even tried to explain to him that I had lost the ability to feel connected to him due to all the abuse and pain and I could tell he had the same problem. He didn't argue that point and just listened.

I told him that I wasn't attracted to him like before due to him not being willing to even admit to any of his personal issues or area's of responsibility and that I could never feel safe in a r/s like this when he was already using anything he overheard about my past as a reason to say... "See! I'm not the problem here!@  Never have been!  I just heard you tell your friend its your illnesssssss... NOt me!"

No dear.  the problem goes back to our toxic r/s for 28 yrs and how it's affected both of us...  

Then he'd go right into...  "Now your living in the past again... .  "

You don't understand...  The past experiences are what make and shape who we are today...   You should understand that... Look how you struggle to communicate and all the pain you feel due to being abused by your father all your young life... .  "  

And of course that didn't go over very well but he got the point.

SO I was as honest and upfront as I possibly could be without sounding too cold and heartless... like...

"I don't love you anymore!"  No... I didn't quite put it that way... I just explained I didn't have romantic feelings for him due to the r/s and especially how things were going this time... .  

And that was it.  He wasn't sticking around to be roommates with me and use his little money he had left for my issues.  He realized that this was a deadend street and felt it and I'm certain that 's why he was willing to leave so easily.

This is what I read to help reiterate that fact... .  

Explaining to him the relationship is making you feel unhealthy, or acting as if you don't find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

No Contact is mostly about you

If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you".

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

I could never NOT read his emails... I will follow this advice this time...

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply" is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your _____ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... .  so, ask yourself "why?".

What a good point huh?

True Disengagement (No Contact) Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .  but NC is not the goal... .  the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.


2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... .  but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.


What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).

I haven't had this problem in the last 2 attempts to free myself from him.  Not missing him or thinking about him at all. It isn't until I start to break N/C that I get sucked in again... And/or I start to struggle financially or within myself.   I will remember this and work to make this a problem of the past with my Therapist... .  I detached emotionally years ago... due to self preservation.

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

Are therein lies my personal problem and why i've allowed myself to return to the pain of this r/s so many times... .   I am starting to go downhill for whatever reason, I feel insecure, i'm mentally impaired and chemically imbalanced, anxiety sets in and what do I do?  Think of the one crutch I've had for almost 30 yrs...  The r/s that created the cycle of event's to begin with.  Not this time... It's nice to see yourself on paper and recognize that your not just a lost cause or crazy... well too crazy to fix anyway... lol

But it is not - it's your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will lkely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own... .  but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people... .  everyone feels this.

Disengagement. No contact. Out of site - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.


~ bpdfamily.com


AND BOY AM I DOING THAT. bpdfamily.com... .  

Thank you so much for reminding me to read this!  I'll print it out and read it ever so often... .  That's a promise to myself!

Thanks. That is very helpful and so on point. Very difficult undertaking. I am interested in "defusing" methods. Things that may not trigger as one attempts to go NC. Do you have any insight or other information to share on this. I was on the forum last night. Dealing with a night of multiple phone call and what ended up being 96 texts in a row. I didn't respond. I have not gone NC yet but it's seeming I am going to have to until my divorce can be finalized. Or at a minimum limited contact. She actually sent me photos of probably 10 men last night that she had turned down to be with me. She was raging in true form. I still haven't responded. She also said she had taken pills and drank and that I would have to deal with the fallout when she no longer existed. Assuming suicide warning there. Any help appreciated.

For as long as you allow it BG!

You have choices and its up to us to enact them and not rely on others, especially a mentally ill person to make the decisions for us.


Exactly he can’t!

If you are miserable then what are your choices right now?

My decision is to not be unhappy and unhealthy any longer!

I have had two really nice days... today especially.

I have been redecorating and just feeling like myself again. This soon!  I'm really amazed and so thrilled to find out just how much was created due to the pressure I felt here with him and the high stress level I was living under.

I had a nice day with the dogs at the park, went to my Christian meeting and felt better than I have getting ready to go in a long time.

I also stacked some wood and got things ready for the rain in a few days... Have been making some really nice fires and good healthy dinners...   This feels way more solid than any other time before...

Not all euphoric and not completely overwhelmed and falling apart... It's the perfect union of my life and spirit and mental state being in a healthy place or at least desiring that for a while now and the pieces have fallen in place for me to finally have that.   I'm so grateful!

thanks so much friends... i'm not out of the woods yet with needing a roommate by next month or so and also needing surgery on torn tendons in my R arm... but mentally and emotionally and physically in other area's... so much better.  Even walking the dogs today I felt normal with my energy level and that hasn't been the case in months.   amazing.

I'm soo sorry Lost that you are experiencing this horrible drama.

I think the part of the lesson that can apply to you is not even reading the texts.  I know that the suicide issue is one that is very touchy and if you feel you need to address it, then maybe tactfully let a family member know?

But besides that, what's stopping you from changing your cell number? And if you need it to communicate, you may need to seriously set boundaries as to what is 'necessary things to ever talk about, via text or whatever... Besides that you don't read them.

Did you see that point?  If you keep reading them you keep engaging with the illnes/r/s and you cannot really detach.

You can just delete and not read and be at peace or at least more peace than this.  There is NO way you should ever entertain 96 texts and seeing photos of men and all that mess...

You have the power to control this and under 'breaking free from a pwBPD or ending the r/s... it has so many good points about what you are dealing with and it starts with us... the non's.

We cannot allow them to keep us living in fear or feeding their sick way of thinking.  You got this friend...    just hit delete... .    and await the divorce for real finality.   

Hi all...

Hi GreenMango... .  No thoughts on my new insight and appreciation for what I am really starting to understand?  I wanted to hear your feedback... no pressure... lol

I had another lovely day.  It feels almost as good as it did when I first moved up here 2 1/2 yrs ago but more balanced.

I feel very relieved and content here in my home especially now that i've cleaned it all up and have it smelling so good... Like Pier ONE candles, lighting fires and enjoying the relaxing environment and feeling like i'm in charge of my life again.

I actually woke up feeling really good, got myself ready to go to my Christian meeting and that hasn't happened in a while.  I go but not without a lot of struggling, feeling dizzy and just never feeling well.

Not today.  I have to feel that it is the removal of the intense pressure and anxiety I had been living under.  It did a number on me bigtime.

So after my meeting, took my dog and neighbor dog to the dogpark and had a nice hike, came home and cleaned a little more and ate a good healthy dinner, baked chicken, brown rice and peas... had yogurt for dessert... .  and I am now wrapping it up with this post...  

Work tomorrow... one of two days for the week and I have a feeling I am going to feel much better there than I have felt since I started 2 weeks ago.  Talk about a struggle...    

I have my coffee ready to go and I am ready to go beddy bye... .  

So the only thing I have left to ponder over is our car insurance.  I made the same mistake 'again' and put him on my insurance since he let his lapse and didn't have any at all!

So I'm hoping I can just cancel the policy but if they give me grief I'll be on here asking for suggestions as to how to address this as safely as possible.  Last time they wouldn't even allow me to cancel it or take him off unless he called them personally but that was a different company... .  It will work out.

I'm still feeling some disappointment at times... .    and feelings of light sadness...    it's so natural. befor he left I had the urge to hug on him and really show him love but never had the chance... stonewalled me too often.  So those feelings are history but I'm still realistic enough to know this is still going to be a process. it wont be all 'great day's every day and i'm ready to feel whatever I have to in order to keep my life in my control and keep praying that he will be successful and safe in whatever he is doing.  That feels good to feel like I want to do that for him... It helps me feel more like myself and not all angry and resentful.  I like that.   More maturity I'm feeling at this point.  yay... .  

Such joy! I am happy for you, bg. You have a big heart and a great spirit. Thank you for sharing this change in your life. I hope your

health shows signs of improvement with your freedom.

Brave girl. As of now she is living in my home. I had it long before we married. Divorce about three weeks off. If I do not respond she shows at my apartment or work. I am in a high profile position and this creates an added dimension in difficulty. I try and keep it necessary only but I think what you are saying- and I am recognizing is that I am perpetuating the problem. So much guilt and want to fix it I guess. She is in a bad spot. Desperate. Yet I can't remotely move on as she has declined to let me go. Sent a text last night saying she will last for a continuance and will not sign divorce papers. She says I am mean as I have refused to meet or talk on phone. Keeping everything text or email in case needed. I'm glad things are looking up for you. Fortunate he seems willing to let u go. Thanks for the insight. Every little bit helps.

Gosh Lost... I'm soo sorry you are having to deal with that mess. Geesh...  Too much... So why all the text's?  Just about not wanting to get a D?  Even if you ignore them and she show's up, what's the worst thing that can happen? It can't keep happening forever right?  I was exactly where your at 3 yrs ago and had to let my yes mean yes and play some serious hardball.

My ex did that , showing up at my workplace, waiting for my by the freeway...   hiding in my bushes by my house...  crazy stuff! and it was after I had him removed from our home in 2009 right after my mom died and he was not happy.  And if I didn't respond to them, just like you... he'd show up at my front door. So I felt like my back was against the wall.  The calls and texts were relentless and I ended up having to get a restraining order since I was getting so emotionally ill and couldn't even function.

The order was awarded and he was not able to contact me at all.But guess what?  They don't know how to respect any boundaries with us since we've never managed to creat any so they will keep coming...   and then we call the police.

I had the r/o approved and the next day! he called me and I had to file a police report. 

He went to jail and then he did it again!  Waiting for my on my way to work by the turn off...   I had to call police and he went to jail again!

3 times was a charm when he was stalking me in the bushes!

I was so messed up emotionally and was so scared! I didn't know what his frame of mind was like, if he wanted to kill me or hug me! I had not idea but knew I had to stick it out... and he went to jail that time for 50 days.

He had enough at that point and left me alone.

I was able to move 200 miles away and stayed on my own til I ended up calling him back after months of no contact at all. The rest as they say is history... .     

I even had a r/o once 10 yrs prior that was honored while we were still living together.  You have rights Lost... and you willB be able to change your board name too! Because you won't be LOST any longer.

You have to take the bull by the horns and make this situation one you can live with.  If she comes to your job then you call the police and that will be the end of it.  Once you have things on record then you're able to get a R/O much easier, especially now with all the deaths from spousal / domestic violence with ending r/s.

I no I don't know all the in's and out's of your situation and only you know what is the safest and wisest course for you... .  But what I do know from dealing with the harshest stalking and call after call and so many horrible texts is this...  

This won't change until you make it happen.  How you do that is up to your discretion and better judgement but change is in your power to create and make this better for you...  at least better in the end.

They are the hardest people in the world to deal with when you are breaking free from them and they lose it so badly.  But, once you keep at it and show them your not backing down, they do start to accept and and start to find another means of support since you aren't it anymore.

It's so sad that it comes down to this but you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty for her illness.   They sense that in us and keep using it to their advantage.  They are very perceptive even though many times they read into tons of stuff that couldn't be further from the truth.

Once you allow yourself to be free of the guilt and the feeling that you are somewhat responsible for her and what happens to her, she will sense that and start to grow away from you... slowly but surely. But as long as you keep those painful thoughts knawing at your heart, she will surely play on them like a fiddle and suck every aspect of energy from it that she can.  

So please...  Remember that you can only be responsible for yourself and your personal actions.  She is an ADULT and even with this illness she has to figure this out and find a way to survive.  I never thought my exh would ever be ok and OMG>> as soon as I found the strength to cut him loose... He started to grow up.  Amazing... .  

So, it can happen but we have to allow it to and start to change our stinkin thinkin and give ourselves and them a chance at a better life.

Ok, i'm done ranting about that. Sorry... I just have so much empathy for what you are going thru right now remembering how painful that period was and how much I worried about him and if he'd be ok and my part in all of it.  And look where it got me...   He was willing to get some help 3 yrs ago but it wasn't enough.

I fell back in the same pattern with him 2 more times after that and it got worse and I became more sick with each attempt to backtrack.

Our body and mind knows when something is so detrimental to our health and we will have all the signs and symptoms to stay far away from the person that is making us feel so sick and exhausted.  I know for myself, this is day 3 and I am amazed how much I am able to get done.  I feel kinda mentally wasted but I'm still singing and staying very active and I basically gutted the whole house and it's soo clean and looks so pretty.   The fire is blazing in the livingroom the way I like it and the house is spotless and the homemade beef barley soup on the stove is Da Bomb!  and I am chillin like a villian with a very warm house and warm tummy but my heart is a bit sad... .  as it should be right now I suppose right?

I have so much to share with someone.  I was hoping it could be my husband but that ship sailed long ago and I know this so it's just the hope of being with someone to enjoy things with and since we married 'them' our mind keeps going back to that place of wanting that happiness and what do ya know? There they are again in our mind as the person filling that void but it can never be them. Never!

So we have to allow ourselves to see this reality and really understand that.  It cannot be with them and that was a dream.  Our reality is learning to live alone and heal and give ourselves time to be whole again so we can have a real r/s with someone who isn't out to sabotage us or turn on us in a blink of an eye... .  all the traits that pwBPD have are vicious and we aren't capable of enduring that forever without having some very deep and serious wounds, physically and especially emotionally.

I feel a bit dreary today; could be the weather changint too. Tomorrow we'll have snow here and yesterday it was 64. Go figure. So its kinda like our r/s history with them.  One day it can be warm and out of nowhere...  cold as ice.  Who can keep up with that?  Not me...

I will keep reminding myself that when I start to feel sad or think about things from a very unrealistic mindset and just feel it and let it go... .  

I pray that you can find a way to progressively do the same and start to enjoy the little time we have here to have happiness and live in the moments of good health and relative peace while we can.

Much love and strength sent to you friend.  Sincerely 1bg

I have ran the gamut of life.   I have been around the block a few times... .  in the world of BPD and mental illness at it's finest and it has really done a number on me.

I see that now, as before I didn't really appreciate just how much of an impact that way of life was having on me.  I was resilent or so I thought...    but eventually it kicked my butt bad.

I suppose 25 yrs of crazy will make even the strongest person weak in the knee's eventually... and I was no exception.

I am now at the tailend of riding this train and I am barely jumping off before it drove right off the tracks into a deep canyon.  Total destruction was most likely right around the corner and I knew in my gut I had to jump off one more time.

I was allowed that chance on Friday when exh decided that he would be the one to leave for the 3rd time in about 3 1/2 yrs and boy was I releaved it wasn't me again!

He left the first time. (not by choice.lol... men in blue uniforms helped him pack that time... )  I left the 2nd time and now he's gone for the last time.

It has been a progressive journey to freedom and one that has left me feeling pretty banged up.  I still have this aching in my heart.  Is it for him?  is it for me?  Is it for my loss of naivity?  I can't claim ignorance any longer cuz I'm well versed in crazy making now.

I can practically smell it a mile away... But does that stop me from engaging in it? Not always...

So what's my job now?  To find out how to grieve and understand what's normal at this point.  Is anything about this time period going to even remotely resemble anything normal? I hardly doubt it.

How can it when our r/s was so out of the norm.  Not a very loving one, and the walls that went up were so cold at times. You felt like a serious enemy without any defense. You'd showed your capture all your cards and they made sure to remind you of that and any other mistake you had made.

What a painful way to live.  Being reminded of every tiny thing you've done wrong in order for the other person to feel better about himself.  Man, that really stung.  Even though I know better, I know it wasn't reality for me, maybe for him but even now i'm cleaning my house and telling myself... "see, I knew I wasn't a pig or a hoarder... look how clean my house is now that he's gone... "  Like I have to somehow convince myself that what he said was a false statment.

How sad is that.  Obviously he finally got in my head alittle too much but it took some doing. And now it will take some doing to get him out.

I have a T appt in about 2 weeks and will make sure to get there 'regularly' until I get a grip on this a bit more firmly and see things the way I should view them. Not from his opinionated state or from my warped state of what I think reality was, but what the truth is and what the actual situation is.    It's pretty complex really.

I know it is such a mixed bag of emotions and I have been all over the place and struggling to be whole for quite sometime now.  I allowed myself to regress again and it will just take time to get it togetha...

I have faith and confidence in myself that I will be successful but some days will be harder than others.  I will allow myself to feel those days and not be hard on myself for having them.  I've had enough hard day's to last a lifetime and feeling sorry for him or me is not the answer nor does it help anyone or anything.

I am looking forward to seeing the progress in my life 'finally' while I grasp ahold of the truth for once and allow myself to keep living by it. And nothing else! No more falling back into my convenient 'dreamworld' of events that ends up being anything but!@ convenient.

Just thinkin out loud... .  

It's hard to step aside from the traumatic events and look at the relationship with perspective.  Looking at our role takes some emotional distance.

What do you think you'd like to work on for inventory?

 

Will write soon - not been too well with some issues with D23 as well. Been thinking about you. You do sound much more together than you have been. Take care of your health!

Love Rose

Given experience from my marriage to my son's father; a man who thought himself aspergers (because son had been diagnosed but he is NOT upon re-evaluation) and whom I had thought to be OCPD/NPD... .  Personality disordered (his mother is schizophrenic/psychotic we believe) I can tell you a little about the process that I experienced.

DENIAL: he was a christian man, how could he be abusive? (In your case, looking at the years of marriage and seeing it "as a waste" to have been treated and trying to HAVE relationship with him) This took me a period of about 7 years, on and off until I concluded that he WAS abusive. Of course, while I was still living with him... .  denial had to be broken to separate from him, for me... .  for you, you might have been very aware and was "into" dealing with your grief of loss; that occurred twice before and would again, ONE LAST TIME... .  

GRIEF over loss of relationship, loss of "family", loss of DREAMS... .  this was BIG for me. I did not miss HIM but I "missed" the relationship, the security, the financial comfort, etc. I grieved over the "loss" of my naivete and my own ignorance (is bliss isn't it?) at the realization that I could no longer live that way. I had dreams within the relationship with this man... .  they were shattered. My dreams of "being" and "doing" the things that I loved

PERSONAL GROWhat the heck: Taking MORE responsibility to TAKE CARE of myself when I was "conditioned" to let him "be my head" (leader, boss, spiritual authority) and working out my spiritual perspective and renewed understanding. Like you said, you will no longer let his "opinionated state" or your "warped state of mind" run your life... .  good for you~.


 :) You answered your own questions... .  you are doing that alot and just don't recognize it... .  yet. It will get better and your confidence in what you now (and what you look back to see, then) as reality will become clearer.




I think that you have a REALLY healthy stance here... .  I realized that I was healing from the relationship (an epiphany really) from my marriage to my son's father when I "no longer pitied myself"... .  I saw myself as deserving respect instead of a woman "who was disrespected"... .  my view point was TURNED from looking AT my abuser (or pwpd) to LOOKING AT MYSELF and what I needed and deserved FROM myself. I deserved to RESPECT myself and when I started doing that... .  the relationship became more and more clear and more and more abusive and I became more confident to "say NO" to abuse and all of the entrapments that kept me in it.

  

Wow. I can't imagine. I never knew that I could choose to not be with a person but that person could say to me that I had no choice but to remain with them. Even though I moved out-under the dark of night at christmas-and to a new apartment she is still present. Says that she will constantly be reminding me of herself until the divorce. She is wanting to go inpatient for treatment(undiagnosed right now), and she wants me to wait for her. Just so much destruction I am not inclined to do so. She also knows, I think, that if she is inpatient then the divorce may be post poned. She is not working and I don't think she is ready to. I just want it over. She says if I think she will just disappear that I am sorely mistaken. Occassionally she gets rational and realizes just how crazy this is. As quickly as the rational presents-poof-it is gone again. I just want peace. I have two wonderful daughters from a previous marriage who deserve peace. They want me happy. They have had enough drama. For background. Over christmas my kids were supposed to be with me. I was still in house with my soon to be ex. I had filed for divorce. We decided to keep things calm over holidays and work things out later for the sake of the kids. She has two as well. However one day she was upset with me. She told me that when my kids arrived she would show them the divorce papers. She would explain to them that I was kicking her and her kids out of the house. Said her goal was to make my kids suffer the way she and hers had been suffering at my hands. At that point I knew I had to end the marriage. With no turning back. Of course now that I am out she is realizizng what she has done. I am now the best man she has ever known, itc. She is now willing to go to treatment to not lose me. I am just not willing anymore. She told me that she would tell my kids all I had done to her. What a monster their dad is. She would "expose" me for the evil man I am. At that point I was willing to face the onslaught and distortion to be free. Just too much. Lots more that was just final straw.

WOW... .  Real Lady:

You pretty much encapsulated my process of events over the past 3 to 4 yrs.

I have been doing exactly that.  Each time I withdrew from him and the r/s and was able to finally stand up for myself, the first time being in April of 2009 when I filed a move out order and R/O and had him removed (2 mos prior to that he had strangled me in a state of enduced drug abuse and my mom was dying in a coma... ) and had detached probably a year earlier due to all the abusive behavior.

Talk about walking on eggshells. I couldn't have a fan on, couldn't have the air conditioner in the window when it was 100 outside.

I would put the air conditioners in the windows and before he came home, pull them out... (big ole suckers!) I'd have them back outside and dry up the water even on the ground!

That's how sick I was. Then finally one day I said...  "Oh Hell NO!" :light:  I'm done living this craziness.  What's the worst that can happen?  I'll get another migraine and here him rant and scream for a while.

Well He came home and I was in bed with the air conditioner blowing right on me and he had a fit!  due to money so he said...  Pulled it out of the window and controlled the situation or so he thought.

I told him right then I was done with his madness and I was SICK YOU IDIOT!  and couldn't do hot weather! But he didn't care...  He finally backed off some but I saw right there that when I was able to stand up to him, he did back off some.  

Of course he apologized and blamed it all on the pressure from his job but the damage was done.  I never played that game again... pull the air conditioner out... put it back in... then ya take it out; then ya put it in... boomp boomp...  then ya put it in, then ya take it out... boom boom...  

Nope... didn't want to play that tune no longer... plus my back was KILLING me... lol

So long story very short...  my mom got sick within that time period and I couldn't call the police the week she was dying and he attacked me.  I wanted to but said... No... .  I will not allow you to rob me of the little time I have left with her.

He was so removed from the situation emotionally and to what I was doing he didn't even understand that she was comatosed.   He said... Get your mom on the phone so she can talk some sense into you!   I said...  You just don't get it... She will never be able to talk to me again! She's in a semi coma now and day's away from death.

We didn't talk much that period...  and just a few months later he was removed from the home.  He didn't allow me to have any peace of mind that time and stalked me something terrible to the point I had to put him in Jail 3 times... He did not understand a boundary to save his life. literally...

So finally after the 3rd arrest he got 50 days and he finally got the message.  :)o you know how hard that was to keep sticking to my gun's like that and fighting with DA's at the courthouse to make the violations stick and give him jailtime?  That last time they were just about to release him on a MOnday after he'd been in there since Friday and something told me to go to the courthouse and see what is happening.

I ended up being told he was not being charged, (with stalking me on the freeway and chasing me down the street giving me a freaking heartattack! I don't care if it was just to talk! How do I know?) and because I called 911 and they told me it would be a while before I had a policeman arrive, that I should just go to work and file after work.

So I did just that and filed the report the next day since I was soo drained from that experience.

Well because I didn't make it a dire concern and stick around the moment it happened (cause they told me to go to work.) they were going to release him.

I asked to speak with the DA that was incharge and ended up talking to about 3 of them and reasoned with them as to why that happened...

And said... How would you react if it was your daughter and this happened... So what if ive been dealing with this for 20 yrs... Everyone has a breaking point don't they?  I am following thru with this R/O and I need you to protect me and help me send the right message here! If you release him now what will stop him from breaking the order next time? huh? huh?

So they immediately went to the judge and said they were filing charges and he got 50 days mandatory.

What a victory thata day was for me and I've journaled it all on the legal board here on this website for anyone to read about...  mid to end of 2009...

Talk about running on Adrenaline...  :)ad, stepDad and Mom all die of cancer within 13 months, i'm the primary caretaker...  then all of this happens a few  mos after the last one dies...

Then I move out of a huge house by myself to the ghetto with 2 large dogs and 4 cats in tow...

Then I move up here to the mountains with help from friends from congregation in the largest UHaul ever...  and still had to leave stuff behind.

And I was so happy here... snow, bears, mountain lions... deers in my yard daily.  Eurphoria was blissful and real... .  

But it was not to last cuz I hadn't grown up yet or dealt with the real issues... How could I, with all the drama filled adventure filling my days...

So about 7 or 8 mos into my new life exh starts calling and ultimately I emailed him and before i knew it he was packed up and at my stinkin door!

Then we moved into here...  and it was horribly controlling, so I moved out on the little adrenaline I had left 12/12 to a horrible situation only to be in povery and see my beloved cat of 20 yrs die and my beautiful Husky die next...

He finally left this house realizing i wasn't giving in and I came back in July...  Here we are in Feb... and I allowed myself to open up to him one last time this past Sept...  going to see HIM mind you... out of sheer  madness and really really unstable health.

He moved in without even letting me know he was packing... again and for the past 4 month neither one of us had been able to get thru each other's barriers... so crazy.

So we were basically bad roommates and now I'm by myself thinking back on all I've done in order to detach and how It may of finally just paid off...

For not just me but for him too... You see the last time he left here. July 12 to Oct 12, he didn't contact me one time... was working and moving on with his life.  I ... I! opened up the can of worms again by contacting him and that's all it took 'again' cuz that's what we do right?

Well now we both know that it isn't what we do any longer and he left this time with a look on his face of relief and determination to just finally move on and I get it

I have the same look and determination.

I understand but what's stopping you from filing R/O and stopping the contact unless it's pertaining to the children and/or letting the family court know what she's threatening?

I'm hoping you have all of this posted on the legal board cuz you do have rights to protect yourself and your children and you may need to jump thru a few hoops but whats worse?  This or learning to manuever the system?

I learned the system thru the help of the legal board and learned how to get him removed, get the r/o and move out order and move on with my life.  Talk about madness...

But it has been a process of my own to learn how to rely on myself solely and realize that there is no 'us' or a person or significant other that I can count on to ever truly support or help me so what am I doing here?

I am it...   as far as our r/s goes and you know that too.  She's working on your heart strings and will keep doing such until you say 'enough' and allow her to grow up.  And yourself as well.

Get your children out of that mess and cut your losses... .  

Hi 1BG,

Your home in the mountains sounds like paradise. I can almost see you making bacon and eggs for the dogs and kitties. It sounds so cozy and sunny. With everything you have been through you really deserve some relaxation in a happy place like that. It sounds so romantic to me, baking chicken, homemade soup, a fire blazing, stacking wood, and getting things ready for the rain. Or snow.

I liked the image of your animals looking perplexed. And I like the way Green Mango is telling you to do your homework. And what GM said about emotional immaturity, hm, maybe I should apply that to myself. The question you asked yourself ('WHY?" have I chosen to be stuck in such misery and unhappiness for so long?) is also a good one to ask myself. My BPD-relationship was short compared to yours, almost three years. But right before that I had a ten year relationship with someone who got more and more depressed and frustrated about his job, politics etc., raged about everything that was wrong and unfair in the world from morning till night, and who got very angry with me because I was the only person he had to get angry with, especially if I just didn't want to listen anymore. Should have gotten out of that relationship sooner also.

I can understand you reconnected with your ex when you weren't doing well. At the moment I'm doing great, like you, happy in my apartment I bought a couple of years ago. Alone for the first time since I bought it – I locked out my BPDxbf six weeks ago. Some cleaning, reorganizing, buying things and putting my own stuff on his shelves made it feel completely mine. For the first time in my life I baked cookies. It's really feels like a safe place now I'm here alone. But if something really bad happened, an illness like you or a death in the family, it's not entirely impossible I would just want to forget everything my ex did and everything I've learned, call him to get him back and spoon (I taught him to spoon even when he hated me so I could get more sleep). The idea of that feels so safe in my mind, although realistically it's safer when I'm alone. Well, you see, your thread made me think. Thanks for that and for those happy images. I don't usually eat bacon and eggs but you made it sound so good I think I'm going to buy it tomorrow.

my kids live with their mom. Recently moved states. So they are out of harms way. I moved out Christmas. So kids are no longer exposed to her. I just went down last weekend for visitation and stbexw ranted and raved that I went to see my ex wife. Just made a big stink. She hasn't gotten picture that I am done with her. She still wants control. And what is odd is that I still am conscious of what I say. What I do. Where I go because of fear. I have a R/O.  Hasn't been necessary to enforce but with her recent uptick in activity I may have no choice. My basic problem has been fear of the fallout as I am semi well known and in a high profile position. Could be very detrimental so I have tried to placate her and ease away. Not working. I am very afraid of her behavior when she senses I have rejected her. I can relate to the part of your post referring to captor spewing venom and bringing up every wrong u have committed. And moreover the ones u didn't that they perceive u did. My stbex may text suggestive sexual notions to a "friend". But if I said hi to a woman I had likely bedded her repeatedly. Even if I had never met the lady. She has selective memory. Remembers my every transgression while forgetting that 90% of them came after her provocation.  I hope you remain strong. With a clean home. Yes I find myself proving things to me as well. Sanity and peace are gathering a more prominent role in my thinking. Just a matter of what it may take to get it.

Hey guy's...

I didn't want to forget to say Hi!   to you Rose... and thank's so much for chiming in. I hope things are easing up some with your d and you'll be able to talk abit more and have more peace of mind. Thinking of you... Tell Hubster hi for me...  

And i'm not sure if I said... "Thank you so much Go fish... that was a very nice compliment and I really appreciate the love and support."

Hi GM... You have the best thought provoking questions... .  What do I feel is appropriate to focus on now as far as personal inventory?

Well, everything I have been realizing about myself and my situation and what it is I have to personally overcome to not allow my mind to feel that somehow, when things get really rough on my own or I start to panic about my finances or my health (growing older alone... ) that running back to him or even thinking I can receive any kind of emotional support or even monetary support is so futile and absolutely counter productive in every sense of the word.

I have now found that out through the 'school of hard knocks' by personally putting my hand on the stove to keep remembering... .  yep, still hot!  Looser! But not entirely as long as we keep applying the lesson's we are learning. Some take a bit longer than others to get the full gist of how impractical it is to keep returning to the so called way of convenience or what we feel we're used to in order to avoid the uncomfortableness of change.

But change is really a good thing when you compare it to living that pattern of abuse and unhappiness again and again and again.

So I will keep focusing on my personal growth and like was brought out... put the focus and my energy on myself now in order to allow that r/s to become a thing of the past and really let myself move on.

Leaf,  You're scaring me with that comment about 'if things get too difficult." Please...   read my own words above and remember it will only get harder. It's a huge smokescreen for any real truth.

It is a way we can avoid having to look deep inside of us to really turn the figurative corner and firmly say to ourselves...   NO!@ I'm worth so much more than that.

You know that he will only use the fact that you see yourself as having any personal weakness, enough to need him again, as a tool to use against you and control the situation even more.

That's what happened this time.  It kinda worked in my favor though... Just like in lost's situation.  He told me the only satisfaction he'd have this time when he left is 'knowing your going to suffer!' since he felt I was such a basket case and so unhealthy, struggling to even work basically 1 to 2 days a week.

Well of course I was...   I had to deal with the worst tension and controlling environment that made me an emotional wreck.  He's been gone since Friday and even healthwise, I see such a difference already!

I actually went to the snow today with my dog and the neighbor dog and ran with them at the lake and played in like 8 inches of snow... barely got home... lol  But I'm adventurous like that when I am being true to my spirit and this is as true and real as it gets...

I had to remove myself from the situation in order to be able to start to thrive again and even function really... forget thinking about thriving... but this soon I feel like i'm starting to thrive in my healing.   I'm amazed at the transformation i'm personally feeling.

I have my house looking so good...     the fire is so relaxing and I too hardly ever eat bacon and eggs. That stuff was in there cuz he bought it...   but it sounded good and it was... lol

And now we are relaxing after a hard day of playing in the snow...   The soup was still so yummy... See! I knew I could cook...     Hadn't had the opportunity in soo long.

This is what i'm talking about. last time I moved up here alone, I had no motivation to really cook for myself or feel together enough to do more than one or two things. Hike with dogs and do a few chores...    

But now I see the total picture and how I can manage it and be ok.

It's so weird how it's all in your perception about how you view the situation.  If it feels hard or you tell yourself, i'll never be able to get free of him or her without so much pain... then that's exactly what it will be like...

SInce I have been attempting to keep it positive for the last few breakups, the spirit has been willing but the flesh wasn't strong enough.

And now the total package is coming together.  It's all in how you view things and eventually it will happen for you and come together the way you have been seeing it in your mind's eye.

You've heard the saying."if you can dream it, you can achieve it... " ?

Well, its kinda the same with freeing ourselves from the pattern or the chaos of the BPD r/s.  We get accustomed to the abuse, the texting, the disrespect, the this , the that... and we don't remember to love ourselves in the process. We forget what real love and respect even look like so we can live with ourselves really.

So it has to be about respectful boundaries and keeping them for us and eventually they will get the message, whether they like it or agree with it or not. It won't be our issue any longer because we've chosen to let them have it back without it affecting us any longer.

WE choose that see? We've chosen to remain engaged with them up to a certain point and we have to re-evaluate that process and completely disengage from them. 

Lost, if you have a R/O then you're allowing things to happen the way I did for a while also.  If you have an order then any type of contact must and should be reported to the authorities and make a police report.  I allowed some things to slip through the cracks at first and then the message was, "I am not being firm with any boundaries and this r/o is a joke."

So that's why they keep hounding us and doing what they do.

If you have a high profile job, even more of a reason to lay the law down and send that firm message once and for all. Something is stopping you beside's the job worry.  I feel it in your words... You are worried about her and how it will ultimately affect her life.

That's where this is killing you.  We fall into that trap and what happens is, we end up hurting them even more.  WE not only set ourselves up for failure but also we stifle the growth that they too could be experiencing by allowing them to still engage with us in the disfunction.  It really is in your hands to control this and be done with it. You just have to make up your mind and do it. And let the pieces fall where they will. It can only go on for so long before they have no other choice but to move on and that's exactly what they do.  But we have to make the decision to move on first with them. It's just part of the disorder and codependency that keeps them hanging on for dear life if we let them.   

Oh my goodness...   Leaf... You are so kind to feel the love here and see things so clearly.  You're right... It is so nice and peaceful and my animals are such lovey's ...   My dog is still looking sad missing his daddy but he will adjust.    I'm showing him extra love and attention and the trip to the snow today was da bomb!  So we'll be ok...

I'm so tired now... lovin ya guys but my fire is going out and so is my brain.lol

Much love and strength sent to all of ya's!

1bg

I am taking personal inventory and so far like what I see and feel.  I have been feeling so much better in a matter of days here by myself and the inner growth has massive potential. |iiii

I have more energy than i've seen inside myself for quite some time.

I woke up to the most beautiful white snow filling the neighborhood that I just thanked God and got ready to go play in it!

Got the neighbor dog with my own doggie and up to the higher elevation we went!

Went to the lake and had a blast.  It was the first time my new doggie friend had ever even been in the snow so he was loving life. He's a golden pitbull, so pretty and a great disposition.

So now I am relaxing by the fire and so thankful to be alive and well.  I know I have a journey of some sort ahead of me but I welcome it with great anticipation and excitement.  I have to!

Because the other choice is to worry and be afraid of it and I won't allow that way of thinking to be an option.  

I have done enough painful thinking at this point and it's time to keep it all positive and allow positive things to come to me in return.

1bg I think each one of us has to identify and define the things we could work on.  Good way to start on the leaving board is with these lessons: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

-Each of the four lessons have a set of questions at the end that members can answer.  Maybe consider do a thread for each lessons and answering the questions that require us to dig a little deeper.

I noticed that you've identified you get scared when heading out on your own and you've returned to the relationship when it happens, maybe that's something to work with.

If you look through those lessons, which areas are you struggling with or think would be a good place to start?

-----

For you other members posting in this thread and anyone reading who's been in a domestic violence situation... .  man or woman.  Please take a look at the links below.

The ways to appropriately handle domestic violence situations can vary a bit from male to female.  If you have any questions please contact any of the staff.

For men -  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

For women -  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

Thank you for the links, GM,

I am in total agreement on it being a very individualized journey and process that each of us has to identify and address.  And particularly the aspect of any type of domestic violence.

I unfortunately experienced that for the first 5 years of our marriage very very badly and it still showed it's ugly head, but not to the severity as before.

The verbal abuse was another story.   That was relentless and the mind games and controlling issues that were at best his way of trying to sabotage things to feel he had a grip on the situation.

He never really did and he knew that.  It was just a matter of me coming to terms with when and how I would find my way out of this mess.

If he was willing to look at his behavior and seek help for his disorder, I was willing to support him and work with him in order to preserve our marriage but that was not something he could dedicate himself to.  It probably was just too painful for him to experience due to so much ugliness and hurtful tendencies.

Not quite sure really the full extent of his woes but we know they were very deep.

But now it's my turn.  The attention will be on me and continual growth.

I am looking forward to working on the lessons GM. Thanks again...

  1bravegirl,

It's been awhile, nice to see you back AND with the good/brave news that you've ended it again but on your own terms! He's gone and you have a chance at building your life back again... .  that's gotta be invigorating! I'm sending you big hugs and hope you keep us posted on how you're doing... .  

PS I've very glad you have the dogs!

It's important to "own our part" too 1bg. 

This last round with your husband you mentioned you pursued him, and being cold with him upon his return.  Is it possible that neither of your behavior changed in this last recycle and that it was both of you together not doing things differently that is part of the demise of the relationship?  Was your husband abusing you again this time around or was it the dynamic of you guys beating each-other up emotionally?

To have a different outcome we have to start to do things differently.

Thanks so much sabine for the welcome... .  

I have my one dog... my Husky died in September... or was it August... it was brutal.  So devastating... I have my big shepherd/retriever dog that looks like a big bear and I have somewhat 'adopted' the orphan pit bull from next door. Poor thing had never even been out of his 10x20 enclosure, never went to a dogpark, a walk! anything... NOthing!  Now he walks/hikes with us every day and today got the surprise of his life... Snow... And lot s of it!

He's not fixed so it's kinda hard at times... He pee's waaay too much.  I've asked if I can keep him but they won't let him go even though he get absolutely NO attention from them at all.  So I just keep lovin on him daily... My dog and he get along well too.

Hi GM.

You are somewhat right about the dynamics being the same on both levels.  I had tried to explain to him so many times that if there ever was a time when the abuse returned and I felt threatened or not comfortable in my own home,he would have to agree to get therapy or stay in therapy in order for us to be successful at any reunion. He happily agreed and it fell short the first month back.  That was the second go round...

This last time I did call him and went to see him while seeing my Dr 200 miles away and also said if we were to embark on anything we would need to give it time. (not remembering that he didn't really respect boundaries like that... ) and ended up packing like 2 days later after I specifically said 'I need more time" and called me after he emptied his storage unit and was on his way...

Due to being so frail from my health being so jacked up and not having the backbone or not really knowing if it was the only thing I could of done at that time, or the lesser of two evils, I just allowed it to happen.  I really felt my back was against the wall and didn't have the energy to fight it.  I had noone to blame but myself.

So I figured, we'll make the best of it, he did say he would be loving and we'd do things differently, but without therapy and a solid gameplan, we see where that got us.

I wasn't cold to him until the controlling began and I was reduced to having all my belongings in my room as he ran the house. 

I did express to him how this was so counterproductive to me feeling any type of security and how could I feel close to him with this type of environment.  I would express my true feelings when I seen his blatant refusal to do anything to help the situation.

so It wasn't as if I was cold from the getgo... It wasn't even a matter of me being cold.  I was just letting him know what his abusive behavior was doing to me and how I couldn't last under these conditions for long. And his response was... "You're crazy!@  It's all your hormones... I'm the same person i've always been... "  Yeah, that's kinda the problem bud... .  

so it was another head banger that I didn't have the stamina for and let him know... I didn't feel the attachment to him/ I mean how could i without anything changing and actually going back to square one. 

Last time he at least put on a front of wanting to try... to seek counseling... had been in it on his own for a year or 2 and then came home and nothing.

so I did call him and let him know I was not thinking right and I was scared and I didn't say come home!@! He chose that route, not me.

I asked him to please address his depression and his inability to work with me and he just told me to go to hell and he was doing nothihng of the sort.  So if that was me being mean or whatever... It wasn't my intention.  I told him I did love him but didn't feel the romantic feelings for him with the way he was acting.  The verbal abuse and cussing and being so rude and just mean  so mean to me and cutting me off not allowing me to express my heartfelt pain about my illness, was just unacceptable.   And he just didn't want to look at any of his part.  I was willing to look at mine and made a T appt with him here and asked him to do the same... and that's when he chose to start packing instead of go inside himself.

I could of done things differently in some ways, of course I see that but I was running on fumes and all the energy I had expended on trying to do things differently just to end up back at square one...   He seen black and I seen white. We were in two different worlds, and that's why I asked him to please give it time...   but I know he can't do that... N/C is there for a very good reason when you need to break off contact with a pwBPD.  I know this but I got weak or forgot to think it through...   This time is all about reflecting on all of that and then some.

One more thing...   The lessons were so good.   the point I particularly enjoyed was this...

FREEDOM [Stage 5]: You've reached this stage when thinking about your loss (or the thing you desire) doesn't interfere with your normal feelings of well-being. Desire, fear, and hopelessness are deeply embedded in our psyches, and we feel their pull whenever any remnant of attachment exists. We know that we've begun to achieve real detachment in a situation when we can contemplate what's occurring without immediately getting blindsided by these feelings.

The fifth stage is a state of true liberation, which the sage Abhinavagupta describes as the feeling of putting down a heavy burden. It's no small thing. Every time we free ourselves from one of those sticky feelings, we unlock another link in what the yogic texts call the chain of bondage.


It just helped to solidify that there is a 'chain' of bondage that needs to be broken... and I had been breaking it a few links at a time...   but the progress was being made ever so slightly

First thank you for answering my question.  I realize that these questions aren't always easy. 


When I asked about the reunion I was thinking, because this explains many of our experiences here, about this statement:

People select marriage partners who have the same level of emotional maturity. Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations.~Murray Bowens, MD

Many of us here can quickly point to our partners lack of it.  Yet we have it too.  If we didn't we wouldn't be getting ourselves involved with a person who exhibits such an array of dysfunctional or destructive behavior. 

Hindsight is great because we can look at the ways we had/have this emotional immaturity, unrealistic needs or expectations.


For whatever reason, it happened.  You mentioned before that often times your fear of depending on yourself lead you back to him.  This isn't a judgment... .  many of us here continued our relationships based on a variety of fears.

This is where personal accountability is important.  What we allow and what we don't.  It's very easy to feel victimized, but looking back considering the part of allowing is it reasonable to see that the responsibility is shared - and not a victim situation.

It's a mutual lack of boundaries... .  on an aside this is something I found I needed quite a bit of work on when sifting through the rubble after it was over.


As the staying board promotes, when attempting to get stability in a relationship of this kind it really takes a serious set of advanced communication tools, an attitude adjustment, boundaries, empathy and lots of emotional maturity. 

We can often make a relationship worse if we don't lead by example and work the "program" so to speak.


When we have a person with BPD in our lives being "cold" is going to trigger rejection anxiety.  His abusive behavior needed to be dealt with in a manner that approached it with value based boundaries for the relationship to have a shot in the dark.  If we get triggered by the behavior then it goes down hill.  Like a negative feeback loop.

1bg - Sometimes hormones can be pretty brutal too for a partner if these health issues are not attended to with care.  Being mindful of the things we are dealing with, like hormones or health problems, and attending to our own self care is integral in relationship and good emotional maturity.  It goes for both partners and establishes a framework for a healthier relationship.


It's okay to be tapped out and to realize that "hey maybe I don't have the stamina" for a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness.  In respect to therapy, one approach might have been to reassess your needs and bottom line expectations regarding the boundaries here - one's that are based on values, like a healthy relationship.  Then setting that as the standard for moving forward.

Sometimes we push forward without letting the person show us who they are or not accepting them as is in our haste to feel better or to satisfy our own unrealistic needs.  We can rush along instead of taking a step back to assess what exactly the implications our decisions could have... .  long term. 

Is it fair to say that maybe you proceeded on faith or hope?  And maybe this isn't working?


I don't believe it was any intention to being mean.  Broaching the subject of therapy and pointing out to our insecure partner they need help usually doesn't go well.  It's a subject where the sensitivity is heightened and handling it accordingly with some of the staying tools can grease a conversation like this, but they are still very difficult conversations to have.

Many times being the "lead" in the relationship takes being proactive.  We can wait til things escalate to the point where we are both triggering the crap out of each other.  Then there's the added element of the long history, sometimes the dynamic is cemented in from years of reinforcing each other's behavior - this is a very difficult pattern to break.


I'm of the belief that if we hinge our detachment or healing on no contact that we are setting ourselves up to fail.  We can't control the actions of another... .  so if they call, email, or we see them in passing and we get brought back to step 1 in the grief process or the detachment stages no-contact isn't doing it's job.

Putting a time out using no-contact on the communication to gather our thoughts and get our feet underneath us, so we feel less emotionally vulnerable, is a great way to practice self-care and put ourselves first.

Detachment is a process, like with the yogic texts.  You mentioned Abhinavagupta and releasing the burden.  It's putting down or releasing the burden... .  it's the burden we picked up. 

What about the other stages of detachment?  What do you think about those?

There are quite a few helpful workshops and articles ... .  I was wondering if any of them spoke to you in a way that might be something to delve into more?

I agree with many of the key points that you mentioned and I am so agreeable with the fact that I need to look deeply inside and keep the focus on myself and certainly I do not feel like a 'victim' in any sense of the word.

I have pretty much reiterated most of the main point's you have made or so I thought I did. Maybe my style of communication needs to improve.

Many times I say things that come across a different way than what I'm intending them to and I realize this is something that I need to improve on and work to figure out what vibe I'm giving off that creates the wrong message being felt by others.  Of course with the pwBPD they have their own way of feeling so much of what is around them and what they contribute to us that I can't really use that as a very accurate judgement scale but its not only with him but with a fw others as well.

I see my issues here and they are not easy to feel but I have to feel them to get better.  I was broken and scared and acted on impulse and I am now paying for that in my heart.  I feel responsible for my part of him returning without a gameplan or any way to have a healthy r/s and I know I did that.

He was moving along doing his thing and I bugged him!  I came to him, called him and I have to take responsibility for that. He has his part in it by coming back here sooner than we agreed and not being willing to seek T on his own as he has in the past.

I can't even think about the coulda shoulda woulda's at this point with how I could of addressed T or differnt things with him cuz I was just too sick.  Hormonal imbalancement and PTSD which i have had for over 10 yrs kicked back in and I was paralyzed again in my bedroom.

I will keep working on these issues with my T very son at our appt and try to keep moving forward and feeling what I need to in order to take responsibility for all that I have brought to the table that has kept this long r/s going.   It has went way past it's expiration date and I have to be accountable for that.

I am not trying to be the victim or blame him at all so If i've sent tht message, please no that is not my intent.   It was a rough 4 mos but I feel it had to again take place with where we were still both at emotionally and it was just another critical step to finally being able to walk away and be free... .    I feel that in my gut  GM...

I take the lesson's to heart and agree with them 100%... .  will be studying them regularly...    |iiii

WE are the only ones whom we are responsible for, we are the only ones we can control. 


   good... .  it is difficult but NOT impossible. We deserve to TAKE GOOD CARE of ourselves... .  really, is there ANYTHING we would NOT want to know about ourselves? and why would we NOT want to know? Just think of yourself as an "adventurer" and you are seeking "the wild and wonderful YOU"... .  :) *)


OK, it happened, now don't look back and beat yourself up over it... .  it is done. You have learned and you have moved on... .  


Taking responsibility is good but placing blame can be hurtful... .  DO NOT BLAME yourself for "not knowing what you know now"... .  You've done GOOD for yourself... .  and I am happy for you. 

Thank you real lady,

I am so enlightened by this conversation.  Really, if I have anything that I need to work on and anyone can see things that I'm doing that I don't see, please... .  let me know!

I didn't realize I was venting away about him and all the immature issues he had and not putting myself at the same level of immaturity.  Well, maybe not the same but pretty darn close in a different way.

My immaturity dates waaaaay back to not having to take responsibility for myself as a child and being catered to for way to long stifling my own ability to grow up.

Mix that blend with an abusive marriage for 25 yrs and how could I grow up under those conditions.

I was basically an adult with the mentality of a teenager trying to survive and make a bad marriage work and yes, hope and faith played a big factor in my resolve to stay.

I do have very high morals that I try to live by so I can feel good about myself and holding my marriage sacred was a big part of my life.

But I realize that holding my own life and health as sacred is number one and I have to learn how to love myself before I can ever achieve success in any other aspect of my life.

So yes, I am starting to really get the full extent of this picture and don't blame myself in a negative way but just taking responsibility for my big part in this r/s and how It got to this point.

I will keep learning and making sure to start living though every day of my life.  I can enjoy the snow and my dogs and the health I feel getting better daily and celebrate all the small and great victories I see happening as I learn to take care of myself and not feel any unhealthy fear or shrink back to the person I was at my lowest point.

Thank you so much, all of you for all your personal insight.  I do welcome it...

Love 1bravegirl  o

   yw hon.


    :)   


 

I agree with RealLady here 1Bg.  Being aware of our responsibility, where we could work on the things that need work help is to grow to and keep us out of making the same decisions again... .  its not to try to assign any blame or beat ourselves up over.

It's a growth opportunity... .  good things can come out of this.

Have you been giving some thought to how you would like to proceed on your new path and what might help you along on the way?

I am moving forward with my goals as stated prior.  I am in T and plan on working with her to address my history of repeating certain behaviors that only end up hurting me and him and also continuing to be completely honest about as much as I possibly can now at this level of understanding.

I am feeling very good inside and so safe in my surroundings now so this is key to being able to grow and trust in myself and nurture myself.

That's been missing from my life for quite a while now and today just being at work and feeling so clear headed and coming home at lunch to make a nice fire... .  returning home to have it still going, cleaning the house so well and mopping and playing with the dogs... .  

Then eating a very nurishing dinner and again enjoying the safety of my environment and the fire, i ate by candlelight and it was exquisite.

I am savoring every moment of my life now and couldn't be more content.

I have so much to do and learn, but I feel so passionate.  I even did some home improvement things tonight! Getting ready to paint a few rooms!@

I haven't felt this daring in who knows how long...   It feels wonderful.

I spackled a few rooms and I'm getting ready to make this place finally look like a home I live in.  Have idea's for some new window coverings and it just feels so much more inviting to my soul...

Kinda like a Pier One feeling with several tapestry rugs, rod iron candle holders, nice vases and just a great overall feeling of comfort and style.

I am ready to grow in every way and particularly creatively.  I still have a very good brain thank God and i'm ready to use it now in so many positive ways.

So that's my plan and working with my T and my Christian congregation and my close relationship with my Creator will get me where I need to be and this time I will do it with more wisdom and insight and not on impulse. 

I am soo grateful to be in this place in my life right now, right here, right on!

gnight... 1bg

It sounds like you have the right 'tools' in place to get through this.  Good physical environment, support, and a positive attitude.  |iiii

I'm not sure if you've addressed this before, so forgive me if you have.  From what I understand, you are still married.  What is it that you will do about that?  If you are planning on exiting the relationship for good, will you proceed with a divorce?  Or are you just taking a break to get yourself on track with the thought of working it out with your husband and getting back together with him?

Thank you for the encouraging words.

At this point I am going to continue to savor this time and be a bit selfish and take it all in and not let anything distract me from feeling peace and a sense of contentment and security.

I have a feeling deep inside my gut that in a few mo's I will be able to look at that and address it without it causing me to feel too much anxiety so I'll do that when I feel the time is right. 

I cannot for the life of me see how or why I would be thinking about reconciling with him at this point.   As I said before and I really mean this, this last 4 mo period was what we both needed to fully understand that we have both detached and have no desire or intention of giving in to what the other one feels is appropriate/

He for his part feels he doesn't need to correct any of his problematic behaviors and disrespect towards me and I for my part am not willing to ever allow any disrespect and verbal abuse in my life any longer. 

So I do feel as if the period for us to recommit to the marriage has come and gone and the cooling off stage has run it's course.

I know healthwise, just within a week I feel like a new person so that cannot be underestimated.  My life is my number one priority and I cannot lose that again for anyone or anything.

So in time I will take this to the next level in a very balanced and mature way and who knows, he may beat me to it and just end up filing himself?  It wouldn't surprise me after what I felt from both of us this past time.

Thanks for asking and putting that out there.  I am going to work smarter, not harder this time around.  I am living in each moment and right now I couldn't be happier...   honestly... .  so grateful for the peace in my beautiful life and home and all the wonderful people in it still too.   It's my time now.

Do you still remain in contact with him, or do you foresee continued contact either initiated by him or by you?

1BG It sounds like the "undecided" board may be a better fit to post on right now.  The "Choosing A Path" lessons over there can could help you solidify your decision and integrate any of the communication tools/skills needed for either staying or leaving.

Please do not move my post... ok?

I am not undecided in my resolve to move on.  I am just not ready to go to the Divorce process mentally.  It will be inevitable, I'm sure of that.  Just not this month.

Why would you feel I am undecided when I'm trying to stress in every way possible that I am finally  free from the control of my own bondage and the chains of the r/s.?

I feel as if I'm needing to work against the grain here to make a valid point of how I am honestly feeling.

Please work with me on this.  I realize that you have your consensus and how things are posted and the terms and criteria the thread has to fall into but this one here... .  Is perfect right where it is ok?

I am not having any contact with him whatsoever... .  guaranteed.

I do not foresee him contacting me either, for one to save face since he moved back in with his parents and the last time he left here he didn't call or attempt to call in almost a year.

I too didn't call or even think of him, felt relieved and moving forward until I got very sick, ended up in the hospital almost died, lost my beloved dog, almost broke my arm, couldn't work at the Dr's office I love so much due to not being able to do blood pressures any longer and then moved back into this house once he left.

Got a family from Ohio to come here as a bed and breakfast to make August rent, sold jewelry and personal items for July's rent and then Sept found a roommate that was not compatible with me at all.

That's when I contacted him for the spousal support that I hadn't received that we agreed upon via the very few emails we even shared.

And I lost my reasoning and rational judgement and started to fall back into that 'hope of what if... .  ' the unrealistic song that has been played in your head so long.

I already detached emotionally.  I feel no love for him or attraction, and haven't in a long time/ Does that make sense?

I fell back on my own reasoning for selfish reason's really even though I told him we needed time to even see if this was something we could work with.  I just had a strong urge to see him, maybe for sexual reasons, whatever the case  It did not mean I wanted to reunite with him and there really was not ever any 'Indecision' to be with him again.

He forced or bullied his way back into my life and I was too weak and so worn down to put up much of a fight.

I can illustrate it like this.  You know when an animal has a repugnant odor or smell against enemies or predators?  Well that is how my body reacted to him these past 4 months.  It fell apart even worse than before he came here again.

My hormones shut down due to stress, I couldn't even stand up without being dizzy, I had shut down energy reserves and couldn't even function most days... and now 6 days out, I'm almost my old self again.

Now you tell me, does that sound like something that would make me indecisive?  No way GM...  

I am feeling so alive now and ready to paint my house.  I haven't even thought of him at all in the past few days good or bad.

It's all about me.  I have left, I left a long time ago, my heart, soul and mental faculties just had to get in alignment with each other.

That has finally happened.   thanks so much for your understanding on this very sensitive and important matter in my present and future growth and goals here.

Breaking free from a self destructive partner. (from the book "Should I stay or should I go?" Lundy Bancroft.)

If your partner has been self-destructive, you can grieve the illusion of keeping him safe. Your staying may have held the ruinous momentum in abeyance, but it did not stop it. For some women, this moment of leaving can feel almost as if she is the one destroying him. Your grief is traumatic, since it is intertwined with cruelty and suicidal threats as your punishment for choosing loving health over impossible constriction. You have to remember that you are not destroying him, nor is your leaving what causes his destruction. Your well-being formed a levee, but you know the levee was breaking and that the force of the pernicious and ocean-size pressures was straining against you all along. When you walk the way of health you will see the changes in your thoughts and abilities become clearer and stronger day by day.

Some women leave many times before they finally feel “done.” Each time they leave, the reason why they are leaving becomes clearer. Leaving can help you experience relief from the constant pressure of being in the destructive relationship.

Some women know they are leaving for good, but they need to tell themselves that they are leaving to “take a break.” We encourage you to take this break and do the same grieving and celebrating work that you would do if you were certain you were leaving for good. Clarity is a process and one that will become stonger over time due to the chaotic way of living you have endured for so long..

If you are leaving, or have left, there will be a day when you don’t think about “what’s-his-name.” Not fondly, not with regret, just not at all. Okay, so maybe he’ll come to mind and some of the pain of the r/s will be felt or you may feel some personal guilt.

But, eventually, it will be like watching a movie that you were in a long time ago. Thoughts of him or the return of some echo of the old feelings will be the exception to the rule. The new context will be you: your wisdom, your insight, and your strength. ( I am basically here now and see myself becoming stronger in this phase daily)

You will, eventually, have so much more kindness available in yourself to give to others. As you lovingly come to understand the amazing strengths you have and what you have endured,

You will come to appreciate both your vulnerability and your power. You will see these things in others. You will hear in their stories things that were hidden to you before.It will be okay to be wrong, because it will be just your idea that is wrong, and not you. It will be interesting to learn to see what you don’t see now, and not fraught with fear and pain. You will be funny again. The creative you will burst forth. There will be friends who will rock in laughter with you at the absurdities of your losses. And it will be okay, because you will be big enough to contain all of it, with compassion and love for yourself. You will use the talents that you are meant to use. There will no longer be a weight on you, holding you down, keeping you back. You will live free from those barriers to your own fulfillment.

(This is where I am at now.  I feel strongly about this with ALL MY FIBER)

You will have sharp tools of discernment at the ready if you need them. You will become more connected to more people. You will have so much more energy available to pursue your own joys and gather resources around you. You will be joyful and well. (This is what I am focusing on and currently working on with my spiritual support system and my therapist)

So even though you are, naturally, limited in how thoroughly you can heal wounds when your partner keeps rubbing them raw again, the recovery process begins while you are still there with him.

(this is what I have experienced for the last 5 yrs or more.) My recovery and ability to move on and start to live my life for me started while I was still in the r/s and while I still felt something for him.

In some cases, a woman finds she has to give up almost everything she had in order to get this space for freedom. Some women don’t fully realize how traumatic the relationship has been for them until they get a break from the daily stress and see just how damaging it has been.

As what was unpredictable in your life becomes reliable, all the feelings you had that you weren’t in touch with can rush in. Despair can loom, as you say to yourself, “I thought that getting away from him would solve all of my problems. Why am I feeling so bad?”These thoughts are all part of the healing process and the steps in this book will help you to identify with how and why you are feeling this way and have confidence that you will move beyond them and have the life you deserve!

So this is my past 5 yrs or so in a nutshell.  It is normal to have bouts of returning to the mire in an attempt to finally break free for good.  I have been working towards this goal for a long enough period now that I am feeling more successful to attain now more than ever before.

I am not going to rationalize or make excuses but understand the strong strong dynamics of this kind of r/s and see it for what it is.

A process... .   I am a success story.  Lot's of work ahead but as mentioned prior... I so welcome it every single day!

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