BPDFamily.com

Hi all, I guess I just need to vent tonight.

I know I have been reeld back in and I know its my own fault. I had all the full on words up to and over Christmas and New year, eventually when we met and talked I actually walked away feeling a little better, had regualr texts, calls and a few allbeit short meetings,, things were looking up a little.

lately though I have noticed texting times changing, a new face on his fb (he told me he hadnt been on there for a long while) so the magic fairy must have added her!

I sent him some really heartfelt words ready for today,Valentines day.

I didnt hear from him last night and something told me I wouldnt today either. I 'd had conflicting schedules for him, so in my hurt I ended up asking him where he was.

He replied that he was 'at work' ... .  that's it... .  Valentines day, and that was it!

I can't describe how hurt I felt,another kick in the stomach,,he is supposed to be proving to me how much he loves me.

I told him how much it hurt, and that I felt dismissed and a fool for reaching out.

He then replied telling me how I'm the love of his life, he loves me with all his heart etc, but I just flipped.

I had to remind him that I was there, I had to tell him how much I loved him first, he could have text me this on his way to work, but he didn't.

I know I've gone over the top with the things I've said, they are all true of course, but I also know that he will back off again now.

I know this will come across as a petty thing to a lot of people, but it's a good example of just how much they take you for granted?

I feel such a fool, manipulated into thinking his latest attention fest was for real, only to be dismissed on a day which I consider 'very special for people who love each other but can't be together'

Yes, I know for sure that I am NOT the first thing he thinks of in the mornings after all!

Going to bed now in tears x

PP, I'm so sorry, that sounds awfully hard.  Makes me glad I knew to start with that I would hear nothing from the pwBPD in my life for V-Day.  (By the way, I don't think I have ever in my nearly 30 years as an adult received any meaningful expression of love from a romantic partner on this day.  I am not a fan of the whole institution of Valentine's Day, to put it mildly.)

If I recall correctly, this situation is one in which this man tells you via text and email that you are incredibly important to him, but is really resistant to meeting in person?

It sounds like something changed before the holidays, in which he was seeing you in person.  I can understand that that must have felt like finally things were improving, maybe you'd turned a corner -- making a withdrawal even harder to bear.

I think this is a radical acceptance situation.  He has a very unusual take on loving someone, if he cannot see you in person.  (Not trying to pathologize him either -- my ex is now most comfortable with texts, next with email, won't phone, and schedules way ahead to see me in person, at regular intervals, not too close together.  Too much freaks him out, it's quite clear.  Though, so does too little.)

He doesn't seem to be dealing with the dynamic in the kind of intentional way that might yield change (targeted therapy, explicitly discussing with you why he is fearful of seeing you), unless I am missing some facts.

Given that, it seems like it would be wise to radically accept that this is what he does.  And probably what he is going to continue to do.

So -- does it satisfy you enough to make it worth continuing?  Some of the hurt may come from maintaining expectations where there really is no basis for any expectations of anything other than what he's repeatedly demonstrated he devolves to -- proclamations of love without much if any real contact.  For your own protection, I think it makes sense to imagine that is just how it is going to be.  Do you want to keep doing that?

Also -- why shower him with these sweet proclamations when you are anxious whether he will reciprocate?

xxoo

P&C

Thankyou for replying p&c.

I wonder if he feels too suffocated with my really deep words of affection? yet he has known for some time that he can trust me not to hurt him.  He did eventually send a loving text back, but I felt I had to push him for it. I am regretting doing that now, but I just can't have him take me for granted like this any longer,I said what I felt because I spent the whole morning with him on my mind, not knowing where he was, but also knowing that he had sent me conflicting schedules for the week.

Just that , yes, he has come back with a little more, although it is always me who has to push for phone calls.

This has gone on now for well over a year, we are no longer lovers in the physical sense, it's all only words.

I do believe that he feels he loves me in his own way, but I also feel with his actions that he sends me all this because of shame (I caught him with another woman after all)

I suppose I have to look at myself and why I stay after that, I never felt so much hurt in my life as I did then.

It will always be there for me, even though I try very hard to forget it and move on.

I have never asked for more than he is comfortable with, or more than he feels he can give me, but I am only human, and after a while it's me who starts to feel taken for a fool.

I then ask him, please just be honest, if you can't  make this a real total thing then say so.

He just can't see what it does to me, and to me, no contact or any of his habits changing means someone else again.

I'm beginning to feel that I'm coming across as a desperate housewife now, and taken for granted is an understatement.

I have had throughout the year, many texts which haven't referred to me, promises of a call the next day, even a time, but he has frogotten that I wouldn't be available at the said times ( mixing me up with someone else)

All this time I have felt that he was still seeing the other woman, right up until something happened in October, and then he came back on to me a bit more.

He lied about the other woman even when I had proof, I forgave him because of my deep love for him, he still lies about other things and the contradictions are tenfold.

I have tried to accept that he does it for a survival thing because of this illness.

But yesterday really hurt me deeply enough to stand my ground a little and tell him so.

He always up untill a  couple of weeks ago used to text me on his way to work,,he gave me his reason for being busy but then he went to work... .  am I being petty then to expect a text on his way to work considering I am the woman he thinks of as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning?

Maybe I am asking too much,,but it hurt be deeply that he considered me,not important enough to do that on a special day and that I had to remind him that I was on the planet.

I am not expecting him to reply to my text, I think I will have hurt his ego badly in the things I said... .  and so here I am now half hoping he will prove me wrong, and half hoping he will leave me alone.

You asked if I could put up with this... .  I think I have put up with enough now, I have to be realistic in my mind and put my heart to bed.

Wether he means to or not, he is stringing me along, taking me for granted simply becasue he thinks I will put up with anything.

I can't bear the thought of letting him go, even now, but I know I

have to in order to be normal again.

My heart can't keep bleeding fro someone who gives me nothing more than just words.

Peterpan... .    he will do whatever you let him do... .  trust me, I've been going through it for 3 years now... .    and I am in therapy to figure out why I allow myself to go through such terrible treatment... .    you DO deserve better... .   

Do whatever it takes to focus on yourself, to make yourself feel good... .     

PP--you ask if you are smothering him with declarations of love, and say you think you've shown him you will not hurt him, so you're not sure why he would react negatively to being showered with affection.

On showing him you will not hurt him.  I think this is misunderstanding the fear of hurt with someone wBPD.  It isn't based on any actual experiences with you.  It's based on a much deeper rooted certainty that people one cares about and looks to for love will cause hurt.  It isn't really you in the drama about fending off hurt -- it's the grooves and instincts and memories from earlier experiences that actually did work out that way.  You can't alter that with your own trustworthy loving behavior.

But also, the fear of being smothered is a different issue.  As I understand it (and have observed it), this is where the intense impulse to find love is braided together with an intense fear on the part of a pwBPD that the other person will take them over, annihilate them emotionally, leave them without a self.

But with your guy, I don't think this is a situation where, if you just do something else (say more, say less), he'll be able to change his actions into what you are hoping for.  His coping strategies seem deeply entrenched.  I don't think he's lying to you about the role you play in his life, but it's hard to imagine how he'd be able to move you into a role where he actually sees you and deals with you.  You are almost a fantasy character for him at this point -- an imaginary and thus perfect friend/romantic figure.  That's a million miles from dealing with an actual human being every day.  You are currently meeting some important needs of his.  If he tried to move you into a role where you actually saw each other and were more real to each other, you would not meet those needs nearly so well.

At least that's what I see.  Sorry this is so mind-bending and hard to process.

Don't be sorry, your explanation is exactly how I have been seeing things myself for some time now.

I have told him myself that I think I am just a fantasy to him, he says not, but when we are face to face, he knows I can read him too. That is another problem I have, I feel that he is afraid to be face to face with me because (he says) I see though him,and  break down his walls.

I think in reality, a lot of it is because I caught him out, he knows I know, and he has said, without ever admitting it  " it really bothers me to think that you believe this of me" (He then brought the woman up in a roundabout way and goaded me to mention her over a general work matter).

In my normal human thought process, this translates to "it really bothers me that you know what I did"

In all my hurt back then, I yelled at him "how can I ever be intimate with you again, knowing that you have someone else in your head?"

I think it stuck. The next time we tried to be intimate he couldn't manage it and said "you told me you wouldn't be able to"

So maybe you are right and he has placed me in the ' rather hold on to the memories of it, and keep the love I know she feels' than   try and fail again physically?

I just don't know what to do about it, I don't want to lose him, I try to understand for so long, then I get frustrated  like everyone else on here does.

It just seems so unreal and unfair  to be thought of and talked to like a lover, when in fact you are not in the real sense.

and in the meantime all of his backing off and keeping me distant, understandably on my part, means there is someone else in his life again. He keeps denying it but then again, don't they all!

Hi PP   

We do torture ourselves. It is a choice we make and this site helps us decide whether we continue in that torture.

I tried for over 40 years to understand all this - and waiting for it to stop.

My BP didn't even chose another woman; he chose to work, watch TV, stare at the smartphone, and even fall asleep as I talked to him. Anything to avoid emotional availability.

HLH