BPDFamily.com

I've been posting over the last couple of days about what my BPDh and I have been going through lately, about him maybe wanting a divorce, me spending a few days in a motel to get away from the stress he's creating, and him finally seeking counseling.  But things just got a whole lot worse and I'm at a loss as to how to handle it.

Earlier today I invited him to come and spend a little time at the motel with me and hang out in the pool & spa.  It's valentine's day after all and I thought the spa would be good for his back. He said no, he needed time to himself but he still loved me & sorry he ruined valentines day for me.  I checked banking again and discovered he had taken out a few hundred dollars AGAIN to go gambling on.  So around supper time I went over to the house to talk.  I asked if this meant he's decided not to try to work on his addictions.  He said no, that he really hates that he gambles and he is still going to work on his addiction problems.  He said he still does not want a divorce & still wants to go to counseling.  So we decided to try to talk about a couple of things and it was going pretty well.  We both were able to calmly air a few issues.  Then he said I have to stop controlling him. I told him I realized that I had been and he was right, it needed to stop.  Then I told him I realized I had developed this over the years as a way of self preservation.  That over the years when he gets very stressed from external issues he takes it out on me and ends up saying very hurtful things to me, and trying to control him helped me feel like maybe I could prevent it from happening again.  And that I realize I should've gone to counseling a long time ago to work this out instead of taking it out on him and I was sorry.  He then started to shake & cry uncontrollably (which he has NEVER done before) and said I had to leave the house immediately after what I just said.  I had no idea what I said that provoked this and kept asking to explain.  He started running around the house screaming and wailing & crying hysterically & slamming doors and just kept saying "LEAVE RIGHT NOW, YOU CAN'T BE HERE".  I told him I would leave in 5 minutes but first I wanted to find out why he was so upset.  He told me "you called me a horrible, horrible monster! You have never ever loved me".  Of course I never even came close to saying that so I said I didn't say those words, so tell me exactly what you heard me say, verbatim.  Again he insisted I said exactly "you are a horrible, horrible monster and I have never loved you".  I told him I don't think he's a monster and I love him very much and want these things to get worked out so he can be happy.  He said "don't ever say those words again because they're a lie, I already heard what you really said and you can never take it back".  And just continued to wail and sob and pound the walls, slam doors, so I left.

We've been together for 20 years and I'v never seen him do this before.  I'm very worried and called a crisis center and they tried calling him to see if they could get him to calm down but he wouldn't answer.  I don't know what to do and have no idea how to handle this.  Has anyone else gone through this before?  What should I do now?

To anyone out there on this board, I really really need some advice, asap.  I've called crisis centers but haven't gotten much help.  I've been trying to get into counseling all week but haven't been able to.  I really feel like I'm going crazy right now.  Any advice PLEASE!

the last night I spent in the presence of My UBPD (w/NPD traits) HUSBAND he did something similar and ran away from me upstairs raging and slamming things around, overturning furniture-and really screaming at the top of his lungs. I was terrorized and got HIS cel and called his best friend who's a DA in a large metro area. DA told me to get to a hotel but I couldn't leave my HUSBAND in that state-or find my poor dog who was hiding.

Call 911 and let them handle it. they have seen everything. Literally. and they can talk to him, check on him and evaluate his state.

I know how scary and utterly unnerving this is.

GL

Sorry this happened to you.  This happened with my husband a few times, that he heard something I completely did not say - and it was always a really negative thing like that.  Obviously it came from his fear of abandonment.  He is hearing things due to stress and BPD. 

I made a joke once about my son's grandma maybe getting tired of watching him, and my husband said, "You just said she's never going to see him again!"  I had to keep telling him that I did n't  say that.  Finally he calmed down.

In your case, he was running around the room and stuff.  But did he calm down eventually, or was he really out of control?  Will calling a crisis center make him even more paranoid?  Only you can make the call. 

You did the right thing by asking him what he thought you said, and trying to reassure him.  Eventually he should calm down.  Obviously he hears the things he fears.

I'm not a therapist, these are just my observations. 

With my hubby, he loved me enough that eventually he did go to therapy.  But it's hard to get them to be rational when their fears come back in cycles.  Hang in there.  As bad as it seems, it will feel better in the morning.

You are going into a crazy situation, not going crazy.  

First things first. If he has previously threatened used violence against you, or if you are at all concerned about it now, take care of your own safety first, and get help.

Second, if he has threatened or attempted suicide, take it seriously and get help for him.

If either of those cases apply, I hope the crisis centers will do something, especially if you mention those risks.

You will find support, help, and ideas here.

I highly recommend you spend some time reading the lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206) here. There is a lot to absorb and understand.

My take on it is that his breakdown involves black-and-white thinking. You do love him, AND you have been hurt by things he did. He isn't capable of holding both those thoughts at the same time, and (for now) picked one, which is that you think he is a monster.

Just hang in, and keep enough distance to protect your sanity for now.

Thank you for your advice everyone.  I did call a crisis center, a VA crisis center for our area; which is what I have to use because all of our medical is through VA.  I didn't get much help.  Basically told me they really can't do anything unless HE'S the one calling for help.  They said I could call the police if I felt he was either going to harm himself or someone else.  She said she would try to call him and if he was willing to talk to her then maybe she could get him to calm down.  However he wouldn't answer his phone.  I've tried calling several friends & relatives who I know he would be willing to talk to and NO ONE is answering their phones right now!  So I have left messages but no one is returning my calls.  He has never threatened or indicated any harm towards me, and has never indicated any thoughts of suicide directly to me, however he has told his therapist in the past that he's had thoughts of suicide. I'm reluctant to call 911 because if he isn't entertaining suicidal thoughts then having the police show up at his house would just make it worse.  I don't even know who his Dr. is and have tried to get this info from the VA but they told me unless he signs a release of information form for me they can't.  I really am at my wits end... .  

Have u thought about taking him to the ER for admission to inpatient psych evaluation? I think I might try that if I was in your predicament. Please though, request an experience BPD specialist or ask for referral to one.

My BPDh texted me today to let me know he's ok, so I'm very relieved.  I finally had my counseling apt this morning and feel somewhat less stressed now.  The counselor said I need to try to get ahold of my husband's therapist & Dr. to let them know what has happened as soon as possible so I've put in calls to them and am waiting to hear back.  Hopefully this will help.  Thanks for your words of encouragement everyone.

My BPDh still isn't talking to me but I did finally talk to his sister about what's going on.  I wanted to let her know because they're close and I know he'd be willing to talk to her.  After I told her of his recent behavior and his breakdown she said she wasn't surprised because it's a genetic trait.  This surprised me because after being with him for 20 years this is the first time I've heard of anyone in his family having this type of problem.  She then informed me he behaves just like his mother (who had passed away before I met him).  She said his mother raged constantly and in her words was just plain "bat ~ crazy", and had to be institutionalized at one point in time for having a breakdown!  In some weird way I was relieved to find out this is a genetic trait of his. It's explained a lot.  Hmm ... .  wish I had know this before I said "I do".

Whew! It must be a relief to know that there isn't an immediate crisis now.

What can you do to take care of yourself now?

I was able to meet with my therapist for the first time yesterday and told her exactly what's been going on.  We are going to work out a plan of psychotherapy for me.  She did tell me that she thought it was important for me to contact his provider & therapist right away to let them know what happened.  So I contacted his therapist and let him know what happened.  He was very surprised by this and now I'm going to meet with him next week.  I don't have many options right now as I currently have no income or $$ of my own.  All my $$ from the last 20 years of working went into running our household and getting to the point where we could move back to our current location & buy our retirement home.  I have no relatives that have any room for me what so ever, so if I leave him I will literally be homeless with no income what so ever.

Seeing a therapist is a good.

You say you don't have much choice but move back in fairly soon for financial reasons. That sounds tough.

Perhaps you can make a longer-term plan for a job, and thus income and more options? Just getting regularly out of the house could be good for you and your relationship.

Even if you don't have friends or family you can move in with, you can still reach out and stay connected with people.