BPDFamily.com

So I haven't been on here in a while buy I've felt inspired by my uBPD mom to write.

Here is what I came up with. It's called Blank:

"Even after all this time your words still cut me like a knife.

Slicing through my self esteem you think you've taken the best of me.

So many things I haven't dealt with, boundaries not fully erect.

You slip in the spaces in between and infect me with your anxiety.

Catch me off guard and I'm taken aback.

Blamed for your actions then you take it back.

My head is left spinning I'm very confused.

Although not physically my heart has been bruised.

You say that I'm stupid can't do anything right.

But take a look around, I'm not the one alone at night."

How do you cope when you are trying to deal with the BPD person in your life? Writing really helps me. :)

I've found writing to be helpful, too... .  I have a journal where I type out my thoughts. Sometimes you just can't express your feelings to others, and writing is the best way to try to get emotions out.

I find writing to be hugely therapeutic. It helps me feel valuable, since it's something I do well, and it also helps me to express my feelings and find comfort that way. I keep a handwritten journal; I find handwriting my thoughts helps me get into more depth and really process out what I have to say, whereas I type too fast for it to be as helpful. It's a very individual activity, I think - everyone has different ways that work well for them.

Recently I've been doing more reflecting on poetry or song lyrics that really resonate with me and epitomize the self-confidence and acceptance I wish to cultivate.  Here's a good example and one of my favourite poems which I shall attempt to type out from memory.

If - Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you,

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too.

If you can wait but not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies.

Or being hated, don't give way to hating

And not look too good, nor talk too wise.

If you can think and not make thoughts your master,

If you can dream and not make dreams your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two imposters just the same.

If you can bear to hear the truths you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools

And watch all you give your life to, broken

And stoop to build it up again with worn-out tools.

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on a game of pitch-and-toss

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe one word about your loss

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are going

And hold on, until there's nothing in you

Except the will which says to you, "Hold on!"

If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue

And walk with kings, yet keep the common touch.

If neither foe nor loving friend can hurt you

If all men count with you, but none too much

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds worth of distance run

Then yours is the Earth and everything in it

And what's more, you'll be a man, my son.


Pretty much every single part of this poem makes me reflect on my experience with my uBPDm and makes me feel sad and hopeful and strong all at the same time.  I take the following from it:

1) Trust yourself and be your own moral compass, let other people's opinions register but do not let them take away from what you know of you.

2) Just becomes someone chooses to fling mud at you, doesn't mean you have to choose to throw some back at them.

3) Do not let huge wins or losses, a BPD person being "on" or "off" turn you off your even keel... .  everything shall pass, the good and the bad and accepting both as transient allows you peace.

4)You cannot control what others do with the words you say, you cannot control how they interpret them or twist them or use them against you.

5)Take risks, do things that seem scary, it's okay to fail, you are strong enough to pick yourself up again.

6) You are stronger than you think. You have more willpower than you think. Even when things seem the bleakest you can and will get through it.

7) You have one life to live, live in a way that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.