BPDFamily.com

I was in a friend with benefits relationship with this girl for about 2.5 months which recently ended, and I suspect she may have undiagnosed BPD. I've known her for about 6 years, and the interesting thing is that she seems to be aware that she has unresolved issues (i.e. yelling at me "I have daddy issues" or "I can't have you sleep over... .  I need to create physical barriers to prevent from getting emotionally attached."

I basically broke up with her via facebook (I tried over the phone the first time), and in that message, I told her she was an amazing girl, that I would love to be with her if she was emotionally healthy, and that I hope she one day understood true "love." She replied, and in a nutshell, said she wanted to work things out between us but "your message is clear", that she highly respects me, and that I deserve better than her. I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks.

It seems to me like she knows about her issues, but doesn't know how to solve them. Is there any way I can help her through this?


Here is a list of things she has done that have convinced me she has BPD:

- acting that she was "below" me and saying I deserve better than her

- repeatedly telling me "i don't want to hurt you"

- she would zone out after we would have sex, almost as if she wasn't there for a few minutes.

- she wouldn't let me sleep over at her place. then I asked why, she would tell me "I need to create physical barriers to prevent from getting emotionally attached."

- the more I was an ass to her, the more she wanted to be with me and would invite me to do things with her

- the more I treated her with respect and showed her that I cared and loved her, the more she would distance herself and come up with excuses not to see me outside of the bedroom

- she tried to provoke me into having sex with her when I told her that we were stopping the sex immediately. She did this by kissing down my abdomen to make it seem like she wanted to give me a blowjob (something she said she would never do on me). I didn't take the bait by the way  :)

- she would get quite upset when I would lightly tease her about things, she actually gave me the silent treatment over the phone for about 5 minutes, and neither of us talked until she finally broke it.

- after having sex with her once, she straight up said "I want to ~ a black guy."

- she would be very contradictory about sex; she would tell me that she's only slept with 3 guys, yet tell me stories about how she made out with a guy at a bar, grinded on another random guy, let a friend of a friend sleep in her bed when she "wasn't comfortable" with it

- she told me about how her dad was never "emotionally there for me" and that she had to learn how to grow up without him

- she would make up ~ about how I have other girlfriends and that I'm seeing other women on the side (just like her dad apparently)

- the first time i slept with her, she wanted me to stick it in without any protection

- she was VERY selfish in bed, and it was all about getting her off

- after helping her rub one out, she cuddled for about 30 minutes, got up and said "thanks."

- one time, she looked me straight in the eyes when we were fooling around, and asked me "will you cum in me?"

- she would get frustrated when i would never cum in her

- she straight up told me she didn't trust me

- she was in a relationship with a "~ing crazy army guy" for 1.5 years. He metaphorically left her at the altar, and she has major trust issues

- she is very afraid of commitment

- the first time we hung out in almost a year, I take her out to dinner. She tells me about how all of her friends getting married or have boyfriends. Then she looks at me and asks how would her first name would sound like with my last name, as if we were married.

- she asked me if I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I said that it wasn't a big deal to me. She told me that it is, because I would remember her forever.

- She idolizes a friend who is an absolute seductress

- when things were going really good, she started to ask about my family, if my sister/friends knew about her, typical relationship stuff

- she told me that we had to be monogamous when we had sex, but if there was some other girl, just to tell her

- she told me about how she gets anxious and how it runs in her family

- she always had this nervous laugh that she would do... .  

- she distanced herself the moment she realized that she was becoming emotionally attached to me

- she told me she never really had a "clique" in high school that she was a part of. This makes me suspect she has a lot of trouble with friendships

- she told me how she exploded on a random guy in class while lecture was going on, all because his cell phone went off twice

- she told me the reason she became FwB with me is because she doesn't have that many guy friends to begin with

- she called me a "big btch." I told her I didn't appreciate that, then she tells me that she calls anyone she is close with a "btch" or a "~."

- this is debatable, and  I don't mean to be judgmental, but her sister had an abortion when she was in high school. this same sister set her up with the ex-boyfriend army guy mentioned above

- sex was ALWAYS on her terms. anytime I wanted to have sex, she would make up excuses

I also forgot to mention she straight up told me "I have emotional walls."

 *welcome*

thehuntforidawave

So sorry to hear about your very difficult "friendship with benefits." I hear your wish she could seek help.

I do not dare a diagnose, I am not a professional. Reading your list is showing me, she has serious issues. I don't think you can help her through this. She has to realize that something is wrong and seek out for help.

I read in your lines also the hope that she will get better and you could be together again. Yes she has some insight but the way to a healthy relationship is long in my opinion.

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm).

How do you feel right now, being out of contact for about 3 weeks?

Please keep in touch, thehuntforidawave!

Surnia

Hi Surnia, thank you for the warm welcome!

I don't think so either... .  I told her in the facebook message I sent that I know she has issues, and I know why she does (because of her past). She was not very pleased to hear about it.

I highly doubt we will ever be together, as this is just a fantasy that plays through my head now. She will never be healthy unless she gets help (another point that I told her).

These 3 weeks have been tough, but have also allowed me to grow so much as a person. I'm really glad that I went through this situation, I just wish there was something I could do. Part of the reason I feel so compelled to help is because I will be going into psychiatry, and I like helping people through their problems. Unfortunately, I've become emotionally attached to her, and that's why I feel even more compelled to help this girl.

Hi Hunt. Im not sure if your gal has BPD or not, but I believe she has something!. Anyway you said she would withhold sex, or it had to be on her terms. In three years with my BPD gal she never said no to sex. Not once!, and she expected me to proform, daily. It sounds like your ex gal has a clue about her condition, what ever it may be. Wish you well. 

Well I've heard there is a broad spectrum of BPD, so maybe that's why your gal is different than mine?

What I'm particularly confused about is how she would treat this like we were in a relationship, but in her last message, sent me a few conflicting things:

- she empathized with me and said that this was a very unhealthy relationship for me

- she said she cared for me and valued my friendship even more

- she said that "love" for her is something that takes a while to grow

- she told me that I will make the next girl I find very happy and that I will be a very successful person in the future

- she said that I made her look forward to her day, that she enjoyed my company, and that she especially enjoyed laying in my arms.

- she told me not to put her on a pedestal

Even though she makes it seem like this was only FwB's, she treated me like a boyfriend. If there was anything wrong during her day, she'd text me and let me know. When I was an ass to her, she wanted to hang out with me and would suggest all of these things we should do together. She wanted to see pictures of my family, wanted to meet my sister, asked if my friends knew about her. I even remember getting a text from her one night saying "goodnight dear", as if we were going out.

thfw

Sounds like she starts again a little pull phase. I agree with your her last message seems to wave some red flags.

I would not focus to much about reasoning about her and BPD or not. I think the most important is that you are conscious about your values and feelings regarding to her and how much contact feels right for you.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised if she's back in a few months. I am going to move on at this point, but I do want to send her this letter when she comes back... .  please tell me what you think:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=194784.0