BPDFamily.com

Hello

Its 4 months on since I left uBPDh, and moved into rented accommodation with two suitcases and two children. They were just with me for the first month while he got over the shock, then during the next 3 months they started seeing their dad and then sleeping back at home with him at least half the week.

On 25th January I walked into our old house one morning to collect stuff for the kids before school, and picked up the coat and scarf of another woman hanging on the chair. He then blocked me from going in the bedroom. Since then I have seen him twice but cant look him in the face and I dont want to go in the house. In a way its better to think that he can move on and even find solace, though I dont know at all if it was a one night stand or more serious.

I did go downhill for the last couple of weeks, he words that I have "destroyed the family" started to hit home, I missed all his caring loving gestures of which there were many, but was also in shock from abusive emails and texts he sent me before and after the discovery of another woman, when I said I wouldnt go to the theatre with him... .  so he took her instead.

But now revelations... .  the other day he came out when I was dropping the kids off and I was sobbing my eyes out. He sat in the car with me and he sobbed too. We gripped each others hands tight, but I was turned away from him and stsill couldnt look at his face! He said he couldnt believe the pile of garbage that has come out of his mouth the last few years. He knew he had behaved terribly with the children sometimes. He seemed to understand how hurt I felt. I said I couldnt trust him, and that meant I couldnt come back. He asked if I would take him to see the doctor I had mentioned. He said he thought he might go to India... .  ! (By the way, would that be mirroring, it is me who has always loved India, yoga, travel , we did go there 12 years ago together... .  )?

Now tomorrow I have agreed we can go together to see our daughter in her gymnastics tournament, so we will spend the afternoon together, I hope he doesnt bring me flowers again or ask me to move back... .  I dont think I want to, I just need to go with what I really want, because he had me under his control for such a long time, and now I really am starting to feel myself again.

But it would be good if we could try and keep a friendship, for the kids sake. Or would that be dangerous for me in the long run?

dear CMjo,

if my HUSBAND had held my hand and sobbed with me, or even held my hand as I cried-I would have melted into a mushy puddle.

that would have been a breakthrough for us.

Mine was not capable of feeling my pain or even caring how I hurt.

He could break down in tears himself in his old neighborhood or at an NA meeting , talking about me-so he says.

Or even at work after starting the divorce proceedings against me!

My HUSBAND had all sorts of sympathy for other womens' painful stories but never for mine, the painful story he created!

I think the India thing is a recycle attempt-to pull at your heartstrings. They basically have their needs in mind-even if it appears about you.

YOU did not destroy the family. He did. you protected yourself and your precious children.

How are the kids now that it's been 4 months?

Does he drive and have a car? If yes-he can take himself to the doctor.

My HUSBAND recently made an appt to see a psych Dr. We'll see what comes of it. That was my ONLY condition for Staying and now that we are divorcing- he's pulling that card out. Makes me wonder.

Stay LC, stay strong. Build a good stable, HAPPY life. you deserve it.

GL

Cmjo an amicable relationship with minimal conflict is really the best for the kids.  It's okay to want this.

Maybe brush up on some of the more advanced communication skills usually found on the leaving board.

If you want to give it another go maybe think about posting a topic on staying for advice on how to proceed in the most healthful way.

What would you like to do?

No I dont want to give it another go, I think.

I have lost all trust. At the moment I dont want to step inside our house where he slept with another woman. Even yesterday my daughter went there and I poked my head around the front door and saw two mops and the industrial floor washing trolley and smelt the detergent, and it brought back memories ofnhis obsessive silent floor cleaning that made me so tense.

He really needs me and clings to me sometimes, even to the point ofnsaying he wanted to give up his job as a policeman and come and work in my law firm... .  and that is not an attractive feature in a man for me. He has no close friends. I feel sorry for him. But that is not the basis for a healthy happy loving relationship. I am afraid that the more I reach out as a friend he will expect me to be his support system and I wont be able to cope and he will get angry and abusive again.

But he hsa agreed to go to the doctor I found that has a whole oractice specialising in personality disorders. He wants me to go with him. As Gina said... .  he has a car so he should go by himself! I would be prepared to go and talk to the doctor again if it would help explain how I saw his illness, just in case he goes in there and denies there is anything wrong with him!

I have said to him that I might reconsider after two years... .  If he goes into therapy and turns his life around.

But deep down I feel I would like to meet a new man, a man who I can start on equal terms with, without the memories of pain and baggage behind us, because I dont believe he can really change.

I would like him to learn and understand what his problem is, so that he can be fulfilled and grow up and behave as a mature and responsible father to our wonderful children, who adore him so much. He has pulled at their heartstrings too, I know they like staying with him as our old house has wifi, the wii, all their toys, a garden, three floors, sky tv etc. And they watch films with their dad and get to stay up late, he makes them pancakes for breakfast.

Gina the kids are not bad, my daughter seems very calm and is happy enjoying life at her new school and focussing on wearing trendy clothes and being with friends... .  ! My son still has bouts of anger and rage and tears. He is still confused. We had a long talk the other day about how they must understand and remember that Daddy behaved very badly and its not OK to be like that. How my mum dies of cancer when she was my age after years of being very stressed at home with two kids and a difficult husband, and I want to be healthy and happy... .  for me and for them.

But whenI asked if my sonwould like to come to the UK with me for a few days he said no he doesnt want to leave daddy by himself.

We will see how our first outing goes today. Just to get through the day without crying will be an achievement!

Cmjo,

I can tell how complicated and difficult this is for you. I know you know what's best for you.

Saying that, I know too how the loved one with a PD can tug at your heart -we see the humanity in there... .  the heart.

we remember the good stuff too. it wasn't all bad- and that's what makes separation and detachment painful.

I felt that when my HUSBAND asked me to arrange for counseling he would be quick to find fault with the person or clinic I chose. And then refuse to go on those grounds.

So I gently said no- that's up to him... .  but that I would go with him, if he found a doctor he wanted to see.

He refused flat out and blamed me. I didn't toe his mark-so the whole thing was rubbish. he preferred to throw me out and divorce.

I feel like your HUSBAND may just be reaching to you for support-so it may be a bit different for you. I made the remark about the car because it sounded like he wanted to be chaperoned to the visit.(Like he wants his Mum, there with him!)

I felt that a grown man who wants medical help and has the means, could get himself to the appointment. But that's a personal choice.

Mine hasn't ever apologized, cried, shown any remorse.

I wonder why My HUSBAND is seeking therapy-since he claims to be so well. They "act" one way but the inner truth is very different. I feel sorry for my HUSBAND as well. It's rough. Last time I saw him he was a distracted, painful mess.

It sounds like you made the right move for your kids. They seem like they are adjusting. Well done! I wish I had a Mom like you! Who would have got me away from my physically abusive NPD Dad, early on.

I really hear you on the stable, equal partner. I know there are so many good men who would value women and make them feel cherished. That's my dream.

I don't want to BE my H's emotional caretaker, or his verbal punching bag. It's too much, even though I love him. I need to be loved in return-and he simply wasn't capable of that.

I admire your fortitude. It's not easy, is it?

I will be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes.

GL