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Hi, I was wondering if anyone else has this problem: what does a healthy relationship look like? I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm not even sure what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, how it would come to be. It sounds sad really, I know, but I find it so confusing. When I see other people's relationships with their mentally healthy parents/family members, it always surprises me. It almost makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so different from what I have been around my whole life.

So my question is, has anyone uncovered the answer to this massive question: what does healthy look like?

In some of the healthier romantic relationships I've seen (I look at couples that I know that have been together for years), they compliment each other but keep their own individual identities. They have separate interests as well as shared interests. They don't always agree with each other but find ways to resolve conflict in constructive ways. Oh... .  and they admit that marriage is tough and you go through ups and downs.

In family relationships, the healthier ones appear to be parents who respect boundaries, children who seek independence but welcome their parents' involvement with boundaries, and an understanding that no one's perfect, but again, conflict is resolved in a constructive way. I see this in my in-laws and my friends' families.

Hi Geeky Girl~

I have come to find that I learn from people outside my family of what it is supposed to look and feel like -- mutual respect for boundaries and mutual regard for each others interests, ideas, thoughts and opinions, without ridecule, or mocking --- and a respect for their feelings and respect for others privacy and space, ---As I was around more people that have these healthy traits, I too felt awkward -because it does feel different, from what we witnessed growing up

It takes time to trust people that actually do care about you, your opinions and feelings when we had to "push them aside" growing up -- so as to not 'rock the boat'

I agree with GG!

A healthy relationship is loving someone for who they are and not want you want them to be - i.e. change them to fit your ideal. I did this a lot in my previous relationships and it got me know where. All it did was breed resentment.

The most important aspect of being in a healthy r/s is to work on you first. Two healthy people make for a good r/s. Not relying on your partner to make you happy. Two independent souls and not two enmeshed souls.

reapwhatwesow, when I was a child (I have a BPD father) I needed to be silent to dodge the rages, I needed to be boundary-less because my father sucked all the air with his grandiosity, I needed to be a good girl - I grew up thinking that my worth lied in the thought that I was useful. If I wasn't useful then I was nothing. In my romantic life, I chose Borderlines or folks with strong BPD traits - it reminded me of my childhood and it felt normal!

I learnt my relationship skills from my parents  - we all did!

I needed to re-wire myself and realise that these relationships were not normal - I needed to re-parent myself and build myself a new template to live my life by - I now choose healthy partners because I sit back and inquire - I feel like I have self worth and I am worthy of a good person.

Key to a healthy relationship! - work on you, your triggers, your childhood conditioning - once you process that - you will recognise healthy when you see it.