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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: MakeItHappen on February 17, 2013, 11:44:28 AM



Title: here we go again...
Post by: MakeItHappen on February 17, 2013, 11:44:28 AM
the more i read about the disorder, yes, the more validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) i get. it all still stings, a lot!

i keep getting roped back in.

i respond, bam.

i don't respond, bam.

either way, she's getting to me.

i want/need to block her from all places. phone, facebook, etc.

there is something in me that won't let it happen though. it's driving me crazy!

i am also a bit scared of the wrath that might i occur if i do block.

reason - i have an online presence and do NOT need my name/entity dragged through the ~ter which, i know she would do.



Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: Rose Tiger on February 17, 2013, 11:50:00 AM
Hi MakeItHappen,

*welcome*

This article is helpful on ideas how to detach:

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm)

Is it possible to take some time between responses to her?  Are you responding as soon as you hear something from her?


Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: MakeItHappen on February 17, 2013, 11:55:55 AM
thanks rose tiger!

i am NOT responding right away, if at all. the messages continue to come through, either way.

the last two we're a couple of doozies and i will not respond.

thanks for the article tip... .  


Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: RedCandle on February 17, 2013, 12:13:38 PM
MakeItHappen... .  you can't keep getting "roped back in"... .  if you don't put your neck your for the noose to go around... .  

As long as there are means by which she can communicate with you... .  you are granting her access.

What is your biggest fear in blocking her? In taking away her ability to taunt you over social media?

Fear that she will go away for good?

Fear that you won't know what she's up to?

Fear that she will show up on your front door?


Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: jaird on February 17, 2013, 02:44:24 PM
MakeItHappen... .  you can't keep getting "roped back in"... .  if you don't put your neck your for the noose to go around... .  

As long as there are means by which she can communicate with you... .  you are granting her access.

What is your biggest fear in blocking her? In taking away her ability to taunt you over social media?

Fear that she will go away for good?

Fear that you won't know what she's up to?

Fear that she will show up on your front door?

Yes, exactly RedCandle. I know how he feels, but really, why can't MakeItHappen just block her and be done with it?

We are all hurting, so it's important to remember who caused that hurt. Block her on FB, as I did to mine last night after I discovered she had unblocked me. The way I see it, she would only unblock me to eavesdrop, which she did recently and sent me a cut and pasted conversation with my part missing and said that I was talking about her. The fact that the conversation had nothing to do with her, and the fact that she could not even see what I said, did not matter to her. Facts usually don't matter to my ex, it's all about her feelings.

What are you really afraid of? That she will say on FB that you are a bad man? A liar, a cheater, abusive, manipulative, whatever... .  it doesn't matter. If she's going to vent, let her vent. It's reasonable to expect that most people know she is a loose cannon anyway, and probably put very little stock in what she says. My ex had two public meltdowns on FB. It may have affected what people thought of me, but it certainly affected what people thought of her.

So block her on the landline, the cell, and FB. Leave her email to vent. If you don't block her, you know she will somehow cause pain or havoc in your life.

Better you don't even see what she is doing on FB. My ex could put on such a facade on FB. Her life is really a charade. There were times when we would fight at night, and she'd be on FB the next morning all cheerful. When I asked her how she could do that-I knew she could not be happy. She said that what she put up for on FB was often not what she really felt. Her posts were phony, as she often was.

They, or at least my ex, really is a hollow shell. There is little if any substance there as far as decency, honest emotions, empathy, sympathy, maturity, kindness.


Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: struggli on February 17, 2013, 06:28:27 PM
Speaking for myself, I have blacklisted mine.  But I can still change some settings and see her texts.  For me, I think I like to know if she ever cared about me at all.  Seeing some meaningless text lets me know she at least thinks about me on occasion.  No, it's not enough.  I don't respond.

If she shows up at my door, wanting to work things out, maybe I'd listen, but the watered down, vague messages are not doing it for me.

I reckon I haven't given up completely.


Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: MakeItHappen on February 18, 2013, 08:58:06 AM
ALL so very helpful.

I guess yes, what I want to get out of it is something I might not ever get.

It's not quite possible, to rationalize, the irrational.

Still eats away at us all though.

She's unaware, at least, has led me to believe, she's perfectly fine. Nothing is wrong with her. It's CLEAR as day, she has BPD. I so wish to tell her but, knowing that will probably do nothing other than launch an attack.

My mouth is shut. Taking it one moment at a time.



Title: Re: here we go again...
Post by: real lady on February 18, 2013, 10:13:30 AM
((Make it Happen)) If she will respect you at all, she SHOULD respect that you want NO CONTACT with her until YOU make contact (she will try to pin you down, say "I don't know"... .  block her from your phone, FB and other ways to contact you. You will not be able to stop her from acting badly then you will have better understanding that you will no he BIG problem is that they cannot control themselves but want and TRY to control us.

Wishing you luck with this... .   NC is hard but best and the ONLY thing if a pwBPD is undiagnosed and making our lives miserable (especially if we are NOT legally bound to them... .  we need to take good care of ourselves)