|
Title: BPD trait? Post by: VeryConfusedNon on February 18, 2013, 12:10:29 AM Not sure where to post this, as I have realized this about myself lately.
I can go weeks, months without talking to my parents, I purposely don't answer emails/calls/texts unless I have to. I just don't care. I don't want to talk to them. I then have the following lines running through my head, of which are pretty much true, or not, or yes... maybe... half truth... 1. I never loved you 2. I don't love/like you anymore... . please go away 3. I was just using you for personal gain 4. I feel nothing 5. I don't feel anything for you, never have, never will. This is what was said to me by the BPDex, and in retrospect since I am more aware of myself, feel myself recalling these lines when I think of my parents... (how i feel towards them... I feel almost nothing... or nothing)... I don't care. I just want to make it out here where I have moved to. Lead a different life. I have moved very far away from home, in about a span of a couple of months, I have yet to form any real lasting relationships, in the terms of forming friendships with people to hang out with on a weekday... or weekend, just... friends in general for specific hobbies of mine. Maybe it's due to my age. I'm in my mid to late twenties, and I think most people my age are just roaming about? Not sure. Although I feel a bit lonely, I vastly prefer this, and enjoy my athletic hobbies I get to partake as a result of my move. Sometimes it is a mask for the lonliness, other days I feel lucky as hell to be here, and away from the exBPD. I was considering giving up my hobbies for her. Seriously. Or severely limiting them. She doesn't deserve, anything. Logically I feel this way. Emotionally, I think I want to use her to ease the lonliness. I have suspected I am a magnet for cluster b's... . ever since doing research, according to the people I "click" especially well with. |