BPDFamily.com

Sometimes I wonder about the world... .  it's nuts.

So I made it to my goal of 3 days NC.  Not a peek at anything.  Feeling good.  Getting back to myself. Meeting awesome people.

Then I put my bag in the car for work this morning and notice a purse in my car hiding under the seat.

Sonofa... .  

She must have dropped it on our last talk.

Not only did she drop it on our last talk, she dropped it on purpose.  It was old and beat up and everything in the purse was long expired insurance, gift certificates, the like and copies of a bunch of business cards.  There were two unexpired credit cards as well.  She wanted me to find it so I would contact her or use the credit cards... .  

And it rocked my day.  

I just felt like total garbage all day.  I don't even know what I'm feeling and I'm hoping maybe someone can give me insight.  I'm exhausted, I feel rotten inside.  Maybe shame?  I kind of recognized anger.

I had even cleaned out my car several weeks ago after we first broke up and somehow missed it... .  

I considered for a brief moment, using the cards to donate large sums of money to various charities, but I realized that wouldn't be right either.

I ripped the credit cards up and chucked the entire thing in a dumpster.  

Back to day 1... .  

It may be time to reassess this whole idea of No Contact.  I'm concerned how a purse could do this?

You didn't do it on purpose... .  she may have but no use in looking at those motivations.

This is what I was saying about hinging your healing on no-contact because then something comes in sideways that you didn't ask for and you are considering yourself back in square one... .  this isn't very fair on yourself.

JT Will you look at the Detachment lessons... .  which stage are you at when you look at the detailed list of each.  And why?

It was the motivations that did it. That she can still hurt me even though she is gone. Being angry at the fact that it wasn't real.  Being angry that I turned a blind eye to so many red flags. Being angry at her for being who she is instead of what she showed me.

Acknowledging is the step I'm stuck in right now. 

I guess I am still attached.  I know that detachment is freedom.  I've been there before.  I've tasted it.

But part of me wonders... .  are we just all supposed to go through this world totally unattached?  Do we just bump into each other and pretend that it means nothing? What is that emotional bond we call love if it isn't attachment?  Is that worth giving up to not feel pain? 

Detached doesn't mean you don't love or care.

I'm starting to practice it in all facets of my life; slowly.  It's sort of alien thinking to me.

But it's the ability to not let others get to you.  I currently care what others think of me.  I'm learning to detach from that.  What other's think of me shouldn't matter to me, especially negative thoughts.  I'm learning to let go of that.

That clicked for me... .  I was always so worried about whether or not she liked me... .  always looking for her approval. 

What has helped you on your way to getting there?  You describe it as alien.  What are the changes you see?

Also, how do we differentiate detachment from emotional connection? 

And isn't that what my ex is?  Emotionally detached? Isn't that what allows her to do the things she did?