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Title: 24 hours NC... Post by: pixiepie on February 19, 2013, 06:31:30 AM It was hard.
but then it wasn't. but then it was. I woke up ridden with anxiety this morning, my chest and gut flooding with adrenalin making me feel sick and agitated. I tried to proceed with the tasks at hand, positive things, making decorations for my upcoming birthday, staying off the internet. I was given an iPod for xmas by my family and I found a Radiohead song on it I like called Codex www.youtube.com/watch?v=YytoOsoR5mE upon the opening piano solo, I crumbled. I felt my heart break into a million pieces in a shockingly new visitation of such an old theme, my heart breaking over this man. and I stood in my kitchen and wept. and I was shocked by the raw edge of pain. I realise a few things. that I tried, in vain to get him to understand things, feelings I had so that he might have some insight into my difficulties. He simply couldn't see the logic that his with holding information had impacted me severely. as the last 2 years has progressed and in spite of my efforts, I was never going to be able to change the moment he shifted into devaluing me. ever. I was never going to be able to 'go back'. and I miss him so much, 'that' person. His invalidation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) of me may never change. I've crept past the 24 hour line, and feel some dread of what I know could be my weakness and my desire to contact him. I have absolutely no contingency plan for if he contacts me. Im not anticipating that happening, he is already ensconced in a new fascination which gives him the attention he needs. Today was tough. but its over. Title: Re: 24 hours NC... Post by: mosaicbird on February 19, 2013, 07:31:47 AM One day at a time! It gets easier.
Title: Re: 24 hours NC... Post by: pixiepie on February 19, 2013, 07:40:14 AM thank you. thats what they tell me, thankfully I have Alanon fellowship on top to keep me straight. :)
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