BPDFamily.com

I've not had many relationships and this last one was my first serious one.

So I'm used to being on my own, but now I've had such an intense and crazy love, it feels so incredibly lonely and sad to be on my own again!

Some of the things I miss are just ones that everyone who has lost a partner will miss, such as:

Having a song that was "ours"

Driving late at night to get takeout, listening to music

Having somebody to cuddle up with at night

Having somebody there to talk about your day

But there are other things that are a little more BPD that I miss:

Being so idolized (I have really low self esteem and for the first time ever, I felt special)

Having flowers sent to work every month without fail, on the date of our anniversary

Having friends tell you that your partner (obviously now the ex!) spent 10 mins on the phone just talking about how much they love you

Having little notes/cards/presents bought for you every day as they were thinking of you when you weren't there (it's not about the gifts, but about feeling loved)

I dunno... .  

I do miss it.  I miss being loved and feeling so secure in that love, like she would never leave... .  I miss feeling safe.  I wake up every morning these days with anxiety and my stomach in knots... .  I miss having her there to hold me close and make me feel like I was in our little bubble and our world was safe.

And now I know it was all just an illusion, and her world was probably more in turmoil than mine... .  

I hate feeling like the whole thing was a lie.

Yeah.  

I miss her laughter, and the private jokes. I miss how tight her jaw would get when she was angry, and how much I wanted to reach out and just make it better (even though I always failed and just made things worse). I miss the weight of her presence and spirit, and how she could be absolutely, completely focused on something. I miss feeling as though I was with the one person who lived in the same darkness I do, someone who was there with me holding my hand and never letting go. I miss her intelligence and insight. I miss so much.

BPD relationships are so intense, aren't they?

You said  "I miss feeling as though I was with the one person who lived in the same darkness I do, someone who was there with me holding my hand and never letting go." (sorry I don't know how to quote!)

I totally agree with that - I miss being in our little bubble, like it was only the two of us that mattered in the world.  She was my world.  I miss US more than I miss her, if that makes sense? x

Yeah

I miss holding her hand... .  and yes... .  the thought of never letting go... .  

So true. Mosaicbird... .  :'(

Yes, it totally makes sense, because "we" were the good times, but "she" was the bad times.  I often wonder if I can ever trust myself to be in another intensely loving relationship even if the craziness hasn't started yet, because they say that passion always goes both ways.  As much as I enjoyed our passionate love, the negatives of being with someone with BPD don't outweigh the positives.

Hi again WT - I totally get what you mean!  The crazy-intense is amazing... .  that feeling that you're the only 2 people in the world who matter - I went to see a psychic and she was spot on with how she described her, and our current situation.  (Yes I have been going a little bit nuts since she left!). 

The psychic said that this relationship will be the one that cuts deepest for me, and that my next relationship will be more stable and comfortable.  She even used the phrase "Like a comfy old pair of slippers".  I know I should be glad, but I don't want comfy, I want the crazy intensity of how I felt for her (without all the bad stuff!). But I'm scared she has broken me so badly that I will never love that deeply again - I know I will never trust! x

It totally makes sense, and, at times, during past breaks, I think that's how I felt... I missed that strange, elemental, third-party that was Our Relationship. But now that I've lost her for good, now that I've been through this betrayal and all the accompanying rage and anger... I've come out on the other end realizing that it's her. That my love for her, individually, is unaffected by everything that happened. I just want to see her face, and the light that shines from her. Sigh. I love her terribly, and can never imagine having that kind of "us" with anyone else.

My other relationship is the "old comfy slippers" kind, and that's a good thing to have. But I still wish she could be a part of my life as well.

I miss our dog.

I think that the thing with pwBPD is that there's never a comfy old pair of slippers phase of the relationship.  Everything always has to be intense and exciting, and once you're neither enabling their bad behavior or feeding their excitement, then that's when they decide that it's time to get rid of you and bring in the next person, which is basically what happened to me.  I'm hoping that in my future relationship(s), there can still be that spark of chemistry that I felt with my ex, but that we can eventually settle into comfort and find joy doing even mundane things.  Of course I'll still want excitement in my life, but I don't want the excitement to define my relationship anymore.

I miss her beating me and her crying. Both turned me on.

I don't miss that I couldn't live free - mentally.