BPDFamily.com

Hello Improvers.

livednlearned suggested I head over here from the newcomers board.

To summarize. My difficult person is my H. He has never been diagnosed with anything (hard to diagnose someone who won't go to the doctor).  We have 4 children together S20, D18 and twin Ss16. I am H's 3rd wife.  H's parents are in their mid 80's and their health is failing.

H is my 2nd husband. My first M was brief with no children. My parents are deceased.

When H and I met he hadn't spoken to his family for years. He was planning to run away from everything and was literally, actually, planning to sail off and find a deserted island. Our courtship was intense and heady. I had never felt so loved, cherished. We married 6 months after meeting and quickly had a bunch of babies.

There have been 3 affairs that I know of. The 1st was a one night stand 15 or 16  years ago that I actually did not find out about until just a few months ago. The 2nd lasted a few months and H confessed to it at the time, this was 15 years ago. The most recent is a confirmed EA (suspected to be PA also) with an old gf of H. It began last July and still continues. (H says "that part of it has died down and now she's just an old friend he likes to talk to." An old friend he forbids me to talk to, an old friend who's texts and emails I'm not allowed to see.)

Our relationship started to fail not long after the birth of our first child. By the time the twins came along the person I married was only a memory. And I don't mean just the typical slide out of intensity, I mean a complete reversal. H no longer listened to me, didn't want to spend any time with me, gave me the nickname of gonorrhea (because that was the spelling auto-correct his computer gave for my first name. H thought it was HILARIOUS and called me that for years. Until one of the children also called me that and I had an absolute fit.)

H thinks of himself as "the king" and expects royal treatment. Expects to be served his meals, expects his dictates to be followed. Does things like buying me a candle for a Christmas gift but then yelling if I light it. Bought me a kindle but yells if I read. Wants the house clean but yells if I'm not on the couch with him for tv time - and does no housework himself because "that's your job".

None of this is terrific, but I've learned to cope over the years. I actually thought things were going ok until the latest affair. When I discovered the A, H told me that everything is my fault. That I don't fulfill him so he has to look outside of the M for what he needs/wants. That he deserves to feel good and happy, that he is entitled to do what he wants to do. (This is the same speech I got after his confession of the 2nd affair.)

I've read some of the others' stories here and my sitch pales in comparison. There is no violence, to me, to the kids (well, there have been a couple of shoving/wrestling >no hitting< matches w/S20 but that has been the exception) or to H himself. We rarely have conflicts. I came from a high conflict family, and I personally have not entered into that sort of thing. I am compliant and submissive - even H says that characteristic is prob what has kept us together so long.

But the affairs are deal breakers for me. H attributes his inner misery to being with me. Says it must be me that MAKES him have affairs because he never cheated on anyone else. (I think he just was never with anyone else long enough. But who knows, maybe he's right. My first H cheated too - that's why I left him.) H says he doesn't think he loves me and wants to split when the twins turn 18. Until then he expects to continue to live as if nothing has happened. And we mostly are. I was VERY emotional after the affair discovery, cried buckets and buckets but that is ebbing now.

However, continuing while knowing he continues with ow is killing something inside me. And H won't give an inch on this. (BTW, the only thing changed is we are no longer intimate. I told H that while he has his gf I am not available for sex. So, no sex since mid December. H does prefer to spoon when sleeping tho, so we still do that.)  I don't think I can do another year and a half.

I have asked him to leave. He refused (although sometimes he thinks about going back to his folks, under the guise of "helping" them). I cannot leave due to finances.

While I'm stuck with "the king" I seek to better understand what goes on under his crown. I do think he has some sort of mental health issues (depression, bi-polar, MLC, BPD, NPD, IDK?) and empathize for the pain he lives with. Rarely he too thinks he there is something wrong, and even more rarely he is open to counseling. I'm open to counseling but have NO MONEY.

We both have problems with boundaries, me with setting/enforcing, him with respecting. If I bring up our R he gets upset. "Why are you pushing me? I was just thinking that I wanted to stay with you and then you go and do this." He has not yet seen that I'm no longer living my life just to please him, to "keep" him. He thinks the end of our M is wholly up to him.

This has gotten way to long, so I'll stop and post. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Cheers.  folie

 *welcome*

Sounds like its been rough for you.  Infidelity is very destructive to all parties, especially the inncocent spouse and children.  Take some time to look through the materials here.  Read our Lessons.  Ask questions and keep posting. 

While it's fine to learn more about the "head under the crown," keep in mind that you can't change your husband.  He needs to want to change himself.  You can change yourself.   :)

Thanks for the response.

Maybe I gave the wrong impression.

I'm not interested in changing my H. 

It would be just dandy if he woke up and said "Wow. I've been a jackass. Sorry about that. I'll try to do better."

But it would also be dandy if I had a unicorn.

I'll keep reading.

Hello. I'm with you. It sounds like whatever the actual diagnosis, reading and reflecting will help. You would like to be independent, to have some money of your own, be healthy? Those were items on my wish list and I'm working toward them. You deserve to be happy and not to be cheated on. Make your plans for you. Keep reading and posting.