BPDFamily.com

I'm sorry if this is a somewhat redundant post because you'd think it would be obvious and I think I might have mentioned or even ruminated about it in the past or something.

Next week will be the memorial service for her and traditionally I'm supposed to put something together. There's this guy who's supposed to call me back about it (as of two weeks ago).

It's weird but it's been a year and I've been fine for such a long time now but all of a sudden I'm grief stricken again.

I think I've already written pretty much everything there was to write about it and her so idk what I'm doing here atm or if it's even appropriate.

All of a sudden I can't deal with the memorial or even with the memory. I went to her grave again the other day and it just wasn't the same. You would think that I'd be over it by now.

I didn't want her that much when she was around and all of a sudden I can't let her go… I don't get what that's about…

Every time I go there, the first word that comes to mind is "sorry". I think it might be about not having been sufficient enough. Even as I write this I feel guilty about writing this because if she could read this she'd feel guilty about "making me feel this way" which would mean that she was a "bad mother" which would mean that I made her feel bad by making her feel guilty and ah-ha; I feel guilty for the last part of that sentence too… and no, it never ends.

She really wasn't a bad mother you know, overall, but I can't get this feeling to stop and I'm sorry if once again I'm not making any sense.

Ya know, I sometimes also feel guilty and kind of like a "traitor" towards her for ruminating about all this stuff here but I must say I'm grateful for what this site has given me in the past few months. It has been and continues to be a lot of help with the grief. I hope she would have understood.

I'm sorry for the hurt, justnothing.   It's ok to feel how you're feeling. It does make sense to me.

If I'm reading you right, your mother wasn't a bad mother overall, nor was she a great one. No matter what kind of mother she was, your feelings are valid. We're hardwired to love our mothers, so it's natural to feel as you are.


You aren't hurting the memory of your mother by acknowledging both the good side and the bad side of her. You are remembering her as she was, your mother, whatever that means for you. The grieving process is hard, but I firmly believe that you are a good person. You don't have to be sorry for being you or for accepting the truths you know.

Sending you much caring and support, and offering my condolences and sympathy.

Thank you... .