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Money tight (trigger), re-locating our office and did tech transfer today (change=trigger), work slow (trigger) - I did a good job validating this morning when uBPDh came into office and said he wanted to stop "doing this"'(our own business) and just get a job.  I told him "you are right.  This is hard.  I understand why you would want to do that.". The day went downhill from there.   He wanted drama; I JADE'd a little then did my best to ignore him the rest of the time... .  never sure how to STOP THE DRAMA attempts.  He is mostly better now - I feel emotionally raw - I don't have a last nerve left to twang. 

These things are stressful for the most balanced person, I know.  I personally feel unbalanced by all that is going on, but it seems to drive him crazy that I don't go into melt-down mode when confronted with challenges.  Is this projection or something else?  Once he sees that he has dumped his toxic waste on me and I am feeling like cr*p, then he seems happy.  Is it really that simple? 

I had no place to escape today since I had to be present w the tech guys and confronting H about his behavior when he is like this is like throwing gasoline on a fire. 

Need an emotional band-aid today!  Thanks for "listening."

  Awww it must be so difficult being business partners with a uBPDh!  I feel for you.  I don't work with my uBPDh and a lot of times it's stressful enough already when he has pressure at work!

I think the issue is he doesn't have the emotional capacity to self-sooth.  He feels better momentarily after dragging you into his drama, because it's not just him who's upset now.  But as we know it never solves anything.

I'm terrible at validation at these times but I guess your best bet is to sooth him, just let him know how stressful you know he is, etc.  (of course you are in the same business and you are also stressed... .  but we can't expect him to sooth you as he can only think about himself now).  It is stressful to always have to be a "bigger person", but it may make him feel better.

Tough indeed - it sounds like you are walking on eggshells at work as well (so much of our time is spent at work).   

Consider this:  You got through it - and it sounds like to some degree you managed not to get sucked into JADE and drama.  So great job on this!   |iiii

Likely a big part of it is as you say - he wants to dump all his negative emotions on someone else, which then makes him feel better.  Dont JADE, and keep up the validation.  It will take a little bit and also as you get through it a few times it will roll off your back easier so wont have the same trigger for your own nerves.

Given that you are dealing with this both at work and at home - what are you doing to take care of yourself?  When is your outlet?  Time with friends?  You have to schedule in some breaks and recharge time, as part of the #1 priority to take care of yourself.

I agree . the only time my UBPDW seemed to be truly happy was when she made sure I was miserable.  She hated to see me when I was happy (which I normally was) she hated to see me do things I like.  She hated when I was successful or would acomplish something big.  When I started journaling towards the end it was funny how many times my thought for the day was - my wife seems to have no love for me, only hate, and the only time she is happy is when I feel miserable. 

I could honestly not deal with having to handle dBPDw's BPD behaviors at work as well as at home.

I love her, it's not her fault, but I simply could not deal with that. At least I don't think I could.

Maybe him getting his own job somewhere else wouldn't be so bad?

  Thanks for all the replies, support and advice... .  together 22 yrs and have been in business together for 11 yrs.  We started our business together when our kiddos were little so I could be available for them and I honestly thought that it would show H that I really do love him and am supportive of him... .  I knew he had "issues" and like so many here I thought I could eventually love him out of those issues. I was really naive! 

It is, at times, incredibly challenging to work w H - some days I want to wrap him in duct tape and shove him in a closet (jk- lol lol).  It helps that our DS20 works with us also and most of the people who work for us have worked for us for a long time because they understand he is "high conflict" and is "high drama."

I am involved in preschool ministry at my church, I run (and will be running my first half marathon next month - whoop!). I found a free online college program that I am taking classes through (no college credit- certificate of achievement only).  I  am also active w my kids.

I know to expect the drama and uncontrolled emotions at times like these, but it really never gets easier to tolerate. 

There is an old Tom and Jerry cartoon where they are at a carnival and Tom is chasing Jerry and Jerry ends up behind a duck in a midway target/shooting game.  Tom grabs the cork gun and starts shooting at the moving duck and each time he hits the duck, the duck flips around and goes the other way and Tom hits the duck more and more frequently and each time the duck travels a shorter distance before he flips to go the other way.  Eventually the duck is just spinning and Jerry falls off, dizzy and confused.  I feel like Jerry during these episodes... .  but Jerry does eventually jump up and run off and Tom doesn't catch him so that I guess that is the take away- get up and keep going!

Just pointing out that you do have the power to change the situation. He could take a job elsewhere. Or you could take a job elsewhere.

I know you want the ideal of a family business, where you work together in harmony. I don't blame you. But we can't always have what we want  

You don't have the power to change his behavior, but you do have the power to change your working situation.