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After quite some time from grieving and NC with my exBPDgf just thought of what if the disorder did not have the devaluation phase... and it is a very loving disorder... for sure there will be no support group of people getting confused and hurt, second we might be the luckiest people in the planet already for having such lovely partners (i wish)... maybe we have a BPD partners club... lol... Just give it a thought and it will make you smile... partly 

I literally laughed out loud at the thought of a "very loving disorder."  Sign me up to be the first person to marry someone with this disorder. :)

What you said about the BPD partners club got me thinking though.  I'm looking for a long-term relationship at this point in my life, but knowing what I know now, if I was just dating around and determined not to stay with someone for too long, how awesome would it be to date people with BPD for six months and then move on?

WT

That would be amazing right... but for sure they(BPD's) will be having a support group against us nons for takig advantage of them haha... life does really have its balance...  Well its a good thought though lol

It's not awesome.  I thought I could do that. I slightly consciously missed the feeling I had with my BPDex from 2 years ago and intentionally ignored all the red flags so I could feel it again.  I wasn't going to get attached I told myself.  But they find a way.  They always find a way.  And then you're right back to where you were.  I know you meant it somewhat glibly but that wouldn't work out in any situation and if you aren't the person who is hurt, then you could cause someone with BPD to seriously harm themselves or others far worse than a normal short term breakup. 

Hi just_think, I did mean it as a joke, and I just read the other thread that you just posted and I'm really sorry about how hard it's affecting you.  I was feeling the exact same way a month ago right after my ex left me for another guy.  I wasn't seriously suggesting for anyone to date a pwBPD for six months, but even if I was, in my fake universe, I was envisioning someone who literally didn't care about getting attached to be the person dating someone with BPD.  I think your situation was more like chasing a high, which we were all doing while we were in the relationship (we wouldn't have stayed if we weren't hooked, right?).  I would never suggest for a recovering alcoholic to try alcohol for six months because of how awesome it was, but I'm sorry if my comment offended you in any way.

No offense taken at all (that's really hard to do with me) and I didn't mean to crash the party.  Just a sober reminder of what happens when you really try that.  It's exactly what I was trying to do and it hurts every bit as much as if it isn't what you were trying to do. 

Initially, I thought "what a lovely idea" if the devaluation package wasn't included   :)

BUT, it wasn't just the devaluations that wreaked havoc, for me.

Everything else aside, if there was no devaluation - we'd still end up being drained dry!  It's an interesting theory Rye :D  But I could never love my ex enough, even though I allowed myself to be manipulated into trying to prove I could and would, despite everything he did to sabotage my trust, with or without the devaluating. Nothing was ever enough. It was an exhausting and soul-destroying exercise.

I read somewhere and it really makes sense to me, that if one negative habit, addiction or behaviour is given up - it inevitably becomes replaced with another bad habit/addiction/behaviour:- UNLESS the person going through it, is fully conscious of that danger and manages it accordingly.

Given that people suffering from BPDpd have very little to no self-control/discipline under certain circumstances, what do you think they would replace the devaluation with?     :)

I am laughing about this topic.  During my 3 year marriage to my exuBPDh I too disregarded the red flags in the beginning because he said he loved me and wanted to marry me within a short time.  I was hooked.  During the marriage his rages/devaluations were really getting to me and I couldn't stand it any longer. But it was so hard to leave because of the idealization.  In my head I was wishing his rages would go away and it would we would always live in love bliss.  I guess I really needed to accept reality.

Short answer:

If that were the case, I'd stay with her for a couple of weeks and leave.

Don't forget about our internal problems that made us attach, stay and receive all the pain.

Not to change the subject here but I see alot spoken of raging which definitely happened to me BUT on a daily basis I was subjected to huge control issues and I don't see much talk about that.  I was queried where and what exactly I did during my day while he was at work... .  heaven forbid I should forget to tell him something for I would be accused of having an affair.  I couldn't look at a guy without him getting jealous.  He would tell me what to wear on numerous occasions... .  the list goes on.  Although indeed I dealt with raging issues, it didn't happen as often as the control issues did.  Where these issues others have dealt with as well?

Mine was very controlling as well smsoul - to a degree though, I found the unpredictable rages and/or extinction bursts more controlling in a sense, maybe worse. You just never knew what was going to trigger it or when it was coming, which is what leads to the "walking on eggshells" feeling. It became constant and was a very insidious form of control, whereas the straight-up obvious controlling stuff, was easier for me to deal with because it didn't creep up on me and wasn't nearly so confusing. Still very draining and depressing though!

Mine used to call me when I went shopping and wouldn't put the phone down until I returned home - always under the guise of "worrying about me". If and when I put my foot down and ended the call - all hell would break loose. Loads of things like that, and the false accusations/projections. Ugh, I'm glad I revisited this thread, I was starting to miss him tonight!  

I was with a girl for 14 years who idealized me from the first date until she passed away.  She never devalued me.  She was my best friend, an incredible lover and an amazing Mother -- and I made her my wife.

I thought I found someone just like her after my late wife passed.  Boy was I wrong.

Recoil,  I'm sorry to hear about your late wife.  I was married for 26 years to a faithful man who never lied to me and loved me like no other.  He passed away several years ago.  The last thing I needed was to get involved with a BPD boyfriend... .  little did I know... .