BPDFamily.com

My sister came to live w/ me 11 years ago when our mother died. I'm 62, sis is 59, and she always lived with our BPD mom (except for a few short stays in group homes when she was in her 20s. She was always asked to leave: too much drama.)

Her primary dx is mild-to-moderate retardation. She tests at the first grade level in reading, math, etc, but presents well in social situations and often "passes for normal." I knew nothing about personality disorders until about 5 years ago, which is when I realized what was wrong w/ my mother. I always knew something was off w/ her but didn't have a name for it until my daughter became a psych nurse. I wonder if my sister's BPD is nature or nurture; I do know that she was "stroked" when she imitated our mother's behavior.

Sis inherited $800,000 which was placed in a special needs trust, and mom spent it all in 20 years: "buying" time shares, paying for cruises for groups of friends, paying for friends' weddings/honeymoons, gambling, drinking. Lots of gambling and drinking. Tipping the valet $50 when he took her vehicle and another $50 when it was returned. Sis was turned loose in casinos and on cruise ships. She knows all about ordering from cocktail waitresses and telling them "keep the change, honey, that's for you." She was also promiscuous; there were numerous sexual encounters w/ camp counselors, special ed peers, and random guys she and mom met along the way.

Mom was very strict with me and our younger brother: we had long lists of daily, weekly, monthly chores; we had to earn outings/privileges and mom was overjoyed if she caught us slacking so we could be restricted from something we were anticipating. Mom was enmeshed with sis, and the minimal effort she put into parenting her took the form of refusing to teach limits/boundaries, and refusing to instill any sense of responsibility: no chores, no accountability after misbehaving. Sis was raised to think that Life Is A Party and she is The Guest Of Honor, which resulted in a huge sense of entitlement. Mom also taught sis (who participated in Special Olympics at regional, state, national and international levels) that she does not have a disability of any kind and that no one has the right to suggest medication for her: "Watch out for those people, we do not listen to them." (Although mom discovered and loved her Oxycontin and Vicodin when she could no longer drink alcohol.)

I have come to realize that I have an over-developed sense of responsibility regarding my sister. I know that life with me is incredibly boring for her after living the high life with mom. I am fed up with the property damge, the constant manipulation, the self-injury which she tries to blame on me (I came thisclose to being arrested one time), trying this/trying that/nothing works. When we were kids it was my job to placate her and satisfy her demands, and I've lived with her for 26 of my 62 years. I am so glad to find this site and I hope to learn a lot here; I have many questions and few answers. Thank you for listening to my situation.

*welcome*

Welcome to the boards, gramcracker.

It sounds like you have been through so much.  Caretaking is never easy; caretaking an adult who has lived with one with BPD (and maybe has fleas  my-issues) has got to be added stress.  It sounds like you are feeling like you do not know what to do.  The forums and information on bpdfamily.com have helped many persons in situations similar to yours, including myself. One of the surprising things about bpdfamily.com is how similar you can find people with similar stories.  

bpdfamily.com is the place your are looking for. Many of us on these boards are working on our boundaries. Learning if we are doing the right thing and how to make it work. You'll also find a lot of information and discussions about how to not get "sucked into" situations you don't want.

Do you have a therapist for you to process things with ?

Who do you have to talk to?

You may want to check out the Undecided: Staying or Leaving Forum.

This describes the board's focus:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56291.msg518474#msg518474