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Kind of going to put it out there.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about everything. I'm sad/depressed/happy/positive/feel hurt etc

Loads of emotions in one. I'm just finding the abandonment and discarding the worst. Because you can't help but think about what was said/done in the past. I know there's no logic to the disorder, but just feel like. Why me? He can settle with people he didn't really want to be with? So he said.

Yet me? Nothing.

Feel like I'm out of the brainwashing of. 'Your the one' 'Never felt like this with anyone else'. You all know, the love of life rubbish

Just ditched like I was never there, except for a few breadcrumbs.

So am I finally coming towards the acceptance stage? Where I'm dealing with the fact it was all a mirroring/fantasy he fed me?

I just don't know

It's good to see you referring to our Lessons, and the Grieving process that is described there.  I think it helps to understand these phases so that you don't feel hopeless, and can see the light at the end of the tunnel when our emotions are abounding.

"Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorting out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward."

As it is mentioned in the Lessons about these phases, is that they can come and go before you finally get to the Acceptance stage.  You may feel depression, and then bounce back to anger or denial, and back to depression again before you can fully grieve the relationship. 

That's how I feel, up and down like a yo yo

But I do see the patterns, where I was idolized then devalued and discarded.

I do accept it wasn't 'real' in a sense

Think it's just the pain of a broken heart. Think that's going to take a while to heal

Crying typing this out, feels stupid. But I just want to 'let go' properly. Because in a sense I have let go, but there's that little part of you wishes it did mean something. It did mean something, but only to me

Crying is good... .  I remember doing quite a bit of that while I was typing here, too.  It is a part of the process of letting go. 

I don't think you can truly know if you meant something to him.  You most likely did, however, lasting relationships for a pwBPD is not the norm.  Just because your relationship ended, doesn't mean he didn't have caring feelings for you.

He was just so nasty towards me when I wanted closure. Killed me inside, but I did get some closure from it.

Then them texts since, has just brought it up all again. Even though all the texts was about him, not me. I didn't read into them like that. So I see where the form of 'control' he tried to do.

I think I just need that last big push to fully let go. But I don't know how/what that will be? But I know I need that soon

I think I meant a lot to my ex.

2010 wrote this:


So, I think we all meant something to them -- but therein lies the problem of the disorder.

Think it's because when we first split up, he would not let go, at all. Took 7 months.

But this time round. Blacked me out

In the past few days I've come to the point where I see the pattern also,I'm angry at times,feel used,sad however I see a glimmer of light.I'm not sure where I'm at but I see uBPD ex gf for what she is. I feel a certain sympathy for her and her desperate attempts to rally her 'groupies' out of what I believe fear to be alone. I see a frightened child desperately attempting to claw her way out of a deep dark abyss,the setting up of dating profiles highlighting how she accepts nothing less than 'honesty and trust' is telling. I'm starting to feel good about myself,taking small steps to regain control of myself and my life... .  and it feels great. The road to complete emotional freedom is going to be a long one and full of twists and turns,I'm sure there will be set back but I feel the tide turning knowing my pain will be temporary and hers will be a life sentence as she won't accept any responsibility for her actions or take time to reflect instead opting for someone else to take responsibility for her happiness. I feel empowered right now

'honesty and trust' Funny how they make it very clear that's what there after. But when they get it? They cannot cope. It's like they want drama and to be hurt? But then they also complain every ex has 'cheated' 'used them' etc

I hope I get my emotional freedom. Cos spent 10yrs thinking he was 'the one'

Going to take alot of work to re wire my brain, that he wasn't the one in the end

Another day, another swirling around in my head of stupid thoughts 

Think I'm getting there though. Slowly but surely.

Just need to start thinking ABOUT ME now. However hard that's going to be