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I have been doing extremely well at NC for the last 2 weeks... .  and

She hadn't  made any attempt to contact me  until this evening... .  I had to sent a brief email in response to a question regarding a tax filing matter (we are married) and it has put me into a place where I'm feeling guilt and sadness again.

I have been so strong and the NC has enabled me to gain both clarity and the ability to start the process of acceptance .

I just want to be able to take more steps forward than backwards but its so difficult... .  

I guess I'm just having one of those bad days... .  

I know so many here have been in this struggle for much longer... .  and maybe I'm being totally unrealistic... .  but it just hurts so much... .  all of this... .  

I feel like I start the stages of detachment and a moment like this pulls the rug right from under me... .  

Just want to cry... .  

Hurts so much... .  

So many emotions over and over again... .  :'(

So many memories... .  

Your intent to not communicating is to gain clarity and start acceptance... .  honest intents.  It's to heal.  It's not a punishment.  You sent a brief email answering a question this is good, polite and proper.

There may be a time where you can communicate without feeling like it's hurting you.

Why do you feel guilty?

Honestly... .  

I've been grappling with guilt off and on as I work through therapy with my T.

At one point I wasn't quite ready to cut the tiniest of strings I had that held me to my exBPDw... .  but I reached that point and finally did so ... .  and truly set firm boundaries and went NC.

I gained some clarity and strength by doing that and felt very good about it overall.

I guess it being the early stages of REALLY coming to grips with ending this 4 yr r/s ... .  I'm feeling an emotional pull... .  

My issues of wanting to "fix" are still present in some ways... .  maybe that's where the "guilty" feeling comes in?

This has been the only correspondence in over 2 weeks... .  so maybe the first test of emotions?

Maybe that or... .  

You crave her so much that you think that you could have done things differently (the way she would have liked it) just to please her so you could still be together.

You are too kind!

The biggest gift that you can give anyone is yourself.

And I am sure you've done as much as you could in these four years, and you've given your biggest gift.

Do you feel like you haven't given enough and this is where the guilt comes from?

As I look back now... .  I truly feel I gave all that I could... .  

While "in it" I always thought I could come up with the solution as to why it wasn't working... .  like trying to fit that square peg into the round hole!

Being out of it and looking at it from the outside ... .  I know I could have never found the solution... .  

I used the word ... .  guilt... .  but maybe I'm just having a moment of sadness of what I thought I had... .  and never ever was going to be!

Rough night.