BPDFamily.com

I was kinda wondering this. I know Borderlines have a hard time working with people. I have seen a bit of a trend. It seems like at some point they are working, for one reason or another they quit, get fired or get laid off. Then comes the months of looking for a job but not really looking. Then at some point they either get a job or the Spouse picks up the peices and has to support everything in the household. I have seen many people on this site who work full time and their Spouses do not. Not because they have decided that is best but at some point they just stop working and rely too much on their spouse. I've noticed that usually they don't do much around the house to help the other spouse either. They find some way of sitting on their butt and drinking or smoking pot or playing Video games. I was wonder just how many of you have a spouse that sounds like this.

My husband is like this, He is attempting to get disabiliy but we have been waiting a long time. It's gonna be awhile still. Meanwhile, I work full time and he does nothing but sit at home. Ocassionally he will clean the house and do something nice for me but it is a rare thing. When I first married him he told me of all the ways he was going to take care of me. It seems that none of those things he said were true. I am the one taking care of him. He did work for a little while when we first got married. Eventually he got laid off, he was able to collect unemployment. Which was sort of a blessing but sort of not. If he didn't have that check to fall back on he may have actually looked for a job. A year later, unemployment ran out, he attempted to get a job, worked for 3 weeks and quit. He hasn't worked since, that was more than two years ago. I even had to get a second job to support us for awhile while we paid some things off. I know how it got to this because its not like he just quit his job. I think getting paid for doing nothing spoiled him too much to give a crap about getting a job. I never would have put up with this before I married him. I know he has a hard time being around people, but he didn't used to be this bad until he stopped working. Not really looking for any answers just wondered how many of you are dealing with something similar.

I typically post on the undecided board, but I saw your post here and wanted to comment. My H and I have been together for 8 years. He worked basically 1 year of that. A month ago he got a part time job, but I have been working 2 and 3 jobs for years. He does nothing around the house, stays up all night playing online, sleeps all day. It has always been this way. I keep my 2nd job because I can't count on him to keep his part-time job. I resent him very much for this, which is the main problem we have. I cannot count on him for ANYTHING. He is not a husband, he is a live in moocher. What little money he does make goes to what he wants, not the household bills. I do accept it is my own fault and I am working to change that, although I know my efforts will be futile, hence the undecided board.  |iiii

That brings up another question that I was going to add to this as well. The thing about staying up all night long and then sleeping during the day or God knows when. My husband does that too, it drives me insane because it messes things up all the time. To the point where I need him to go somewhere with me and he hasn't had but an hour of sleep. So he is either mean the entire time or he just doesn't go. I pretty much don't count on him for anything. If I don't have the expectaion that he will do something then I am not disapointed that it doesn't get done. I also get to be pleasently surprised when he does come through too.

I tired to point out to my H the other day that it was a problem, but of course he didn't hear what I said and replied with, "I sleep the same amount of hours you do". My point was nothing to do with how long he slept lol. The point was that nothing gets done because he is asleep when the world is happening around him. I tend to expect nothing of him, either, but is that really the kind of marriage I want? I wanted to be his wife, not his mother, and thats what I feel like I am. He refuses to see that though. He works about 4 hours, 4 days a week and the rest of the time he is literally asleep or goofing around online. It is beyond frustrating.

I feel this way too a lot of the time. It's not what I wanted either. At the moment I feel like I get enough from him for the relationship to be worth it for me. That doesn't mean it will always be that way. My husband is getting treatment so I have seen some improvement in parts of his behavior. But there are still things that I could consider deal breakers if they continue. My husband knows the sleeping thing screws things up. He tells me he can't help it, he sleeps when he falls asleep. Of course he can't fall asleep if he is sitting up and watching movies all night long.

Based on my experience, its a mistake to not expect much from our BPD spouses.  At my lowest point, I found myself working full time, coming home to make dinner, and then cleaning up afterwards.  Weekends were spent cleaning the house.  She didn't work, and claimed that keeping up with the kids was all she could handle (even after they started school).  It was beyond frustrating, it was physically and emotionally draining.  

Little bit by little bit, I sort of adopted the mindset of "I can't count on her for anything," and I didn't.  I just did it all--and resented it.  

When I hit rock bottom, I started to realized I had some boundaries around this kind of thing and that I wasn't doing my job of enforceing them.  I was kind of letting this stuff happen to me.

One issue at a time, I began to enforce boundaries.  I stopped doing the dishes.  I limited the house cleaning tasks to just a few things.  I still occassionally cook a dinner, but mostly I don't.  My wife is now back in school so she can go back to work (she requires some state certifications that require a few credit hours).

My wife has a tendency to live up (or down) to my expectations (not always happily, and not right away).  But, if I am consistent in my expectation and lead the relationship in these areas, she does tend to come along and live up to my expectionations to the best of her ability.  

I guess my thought is don't just throw in the towel on these kinds of issues.  :)on't make this stuff easy on them and then resent it, like I did for all those years.  Know and enforce your boundaries.  If you wait for them to get it on their own, I'm afraid you might wait a lifetime.  

This is exactly where I am. I have tried the not washing the dishes thing, but we run out of dishes, then guess what... .  I get to do them ALL AT ONCE. I dont know how to enforce a boundary on this kind of thing. Leaving it just bite me in the butt in the long run. Please tell me how you got the boundaries started... .  

yea I am in the same kind of situation. If I stop cleaning he won't do it either way so it ends up at a point where I get behind. He doesn't care if he has a clean shirt to wear he doesn't have to work. He doesn't care if dishes are done, He will take money we don't have and go buy something to eat. I'm to the point where I am resenting him for lots of things, but the cleaning thing I can live with for now. Like I said he does some things when he gets around to doing them.

As far as him not working goes, I don't know how to takle that one. He is trying to get disability and I know he can't work if he wants to get that. It didn't all happen at once, that's what screwed me up. He spent so long not working because he was being paid by unemployment. Once it did run out and he tried to work he had regressed from not working for so long. He had a major mental break down and ended up in the mental hospital. So I don't really know where to go from there.

I do count on him for some things, It just those things that he has never done that I have stopped caring about. It's easier to just do things for myself than deal with the backlash of asking him to do something and then it not getting done, me being disapointed that it's not done and then me being disapointed because I have to do it anyways. I suppose you can say I stand my ground when I know it's something I can get him to do with a little coersion.

But something like dishes is just a waste of my time. He's done them twice while we have been married. Once for my birthday and I had to force that out of him and once because he was trying to make something up to me. Both times he did it, he did it because he felt he needed to do it as a personal favor to me. It's never been out of the goodness of his heart.

He's outlasting you, you reach a breaking point and then do everything so he never really feels any consequences.

I would pick one thing to work on.  Don't try to change everything all at once.  Communicate clearly what your boundary is going to be.  I would use DEARMAN to let him know what you need from him.  Be specific.  Like, "on days I cook, I need you to do the dishes"--again framed in DEARMAN).  Things like, "I need more help around the house" are too general and open to "interpretation." 

Remember, part of DEARMAN is being prepared to "negotiate" a bit.  If he wants to cook instead of do dishes, maybe that's ok too.  Once he buys into something, hold him to it.

Using our example, lets say he doesn't do the dishes the first day.  So they pile up, untouched in the sink.  Eventually, the natural consequences of this decision will have an effect of on him, if you let it happen.  Eventually, you won't be able to cook because all the pots and pans will be dirty.  Or you will run out of plates.  Well, if you can't cook at home that means you (not "you and him" need to grab a bite on the way home from work.  He can fend for himself that night.  Or you can wash a plate for yourself, he can wash his own plate or figure out how to eat spaghetti without a fork or plate. 

You might want to create your own bank account too.  You deposit your check into your account, he deposits his check . . . oh yeah, nevermind, he doesn't have a check.  How does he get money if he doesn't work?

He won't like this.  He will consider you mean and nasty.  He'll say you aren't the same person he married.  Throughout it all, you need to keep firm boundaries.  Use SET: "I love you.  You sound very frustrated right now because there is no dinner.  That's undertandable.  I can't cook dinner when last night's dishes haven't been washed." 

Don't JADE with him.  If he gets nasty, take a break. 

No one said this stuff is easy.   :)

I buy plastic plates and cups.  :)

Thanks for posting the suggestions briefcase  |iiii  I find myself having trouble with the boundaries because the things I come up with seem to be more of ultimatums than boundaries, or I end up being the one to suffer as well. The only issue I have with letting the dishes pile up as you suggest, is that my son comes over every other weekend and I prefer him not to have to deal with the whole no clean dishes thing. As for my ultimatums/boundaries issues, here is where I get lost. I will give you 2 examples and any advice would be helpful. Since I am highjacking a thread here, I will make one relate back to the original topic.

Money - if H wont fully work or help support the family (as in my case, keeps his money, doesn't contribute it to household), what kind of boundary can you set there. I mean yeah, I get separate accounts, but that doesn't do anything except help us keep our own money, they still aren't contributing. (all i can come up with is contribute or get out - ultimatum)

Sleeping all night - Reading around on the boards, a lot of people have this problem. Sometimes its necessary with work hours, but thats not the case at my house. The reason I consider it unacceptable is because he wont do things around the house because he might wake me, (during the night) and he wont do things during the day because hes asleep... .  therefore he spends his days doing nothing except playing online... .  

I just really don't understand boundaries. I mean I get with they rage you can walk away, etc, supposed to be about you, not them. But these type of things I don't really understand how to create a boundary that isn't an ultimatum where I say "either you do this, or I do that"... .  

For my uBPDh, I don't think it's laziness that causes him not to contribute; I think it's feeling down on himself.  He was laid off from his last full-time job (which had some prestige to it) years ago, and afterward wasn't prepared to take something "less than" because of self esteem issues.  Now, he's applying for jobs, but he takes rejection very hard, so when he applies for one job and doesn't get it, that can get him down on himself for weeks at a time and not feeling like he can handle any more potential rejection.  Just like he takes everything I say as a devastating put-down (even if it's not meant to be negative), he does the same with employment rejection.  Then he's feeling bad about himself and has to have a "fix" to feel better.  That used to be smoking pot to avoid the yucky feeling, now occasionally, it's drinking, but mostly it's Facebook.  He gets into political and intellectual battles with his "frlends" on Facebook.  I think it is his way of validating that he's smart and worth something in the world.  He does watch the kids during the week, and does a good job of that.  And I know it takes a lot to watch a 4-year-old and a toddler.  I just think he'd be a lot happier and feel better about himself if he was out there working. 

I'm not saying that laziness doesn't play some part in it.  I feel like I enable my H to do less than he should, because I pick up everything to make sure it gets done.  And that causes major resentment.  My H goes in spurts when it comes to contributing around the house.  I think maybe when he's feeling good, he does it, and when he's feeling down, it's a struggle just to watch the kids.

So I guess what I'd like to add to the discussion is that perhaps laziness is not the only reason for some pwBPD?  Perhaps it's just too hard to put themselves out there and face the devastation of rejection?  I think maybe if I validate my husband's competence and intelligence that this may be what he needs to get strong in the face of potential rejection.  It's so much easier to resent him and look down on him, and maybe I'm only making the problem worse by doing that.  I'm not saying it's my job to make him feel good about himself, but everyone needs a compliment now and then... .  

  Daylily

my HUSBAND would get money from a settlement (D, or unemployment or more recently an inheritance) and would not look for work until the $$ ran out.

then he'd panic and yell at me to help HIM find a job. he's a white collar professional. I found him his last job online while searching one for me. he's still there and kicked me out! now he has money from yet another source. He will probably get fired or laid off now that he has a "cushion" of money to rely on. Until it's all gone, and the cycle begins again.

very spotty job history with large gaps of months and years.

I never knew this early on- he was not up front about it until well into the r/s.

I did one job for the same Dept, for almost 20 years until I left to marry him.

GL

The stories spell out everything I have been going thru for thenthe last 2 yrs of my marriage.

He promised me the world of how he would take care of me, do things around the house etc

But I ended up having to work 12-14hour shifts daily and still had to make time to clean the house etc at night while H is watching tv. He was at home for most of the time in our marriage.

I started to resent him. How unfair can you be. How selfish can you be. When i ge home, he would even ask me to make him a cup,of coffee. . I mean come on!

Praise the Lord. He got a job now. Whats funny for me is that i had to talk and ask somene if they had any jobs available etc. and through this he got a job.

Now H is working 12 hr shifts. And the meanest thing he would say is. I work harder than you. He doesnt lift a finger when it comes to household duties. And is always tired. I earn 6 times his salary and somehow he made the connection that me sitting an office is not hard work.

This has hurt me alot.

I now have a maid to clean up which i refused to have while he was at home. This is my gift to myself for now because i am studying part time as well. Now how do i enforce boundaries here. Let the maid do my chores and not do any thing when it comes to his things until he pays me.

The same thoughts goes over n over in my head... .  do i want this for the rest of my life?  And i get stuck there.

To a huge extent I cannot help but feel that he would quit any moment because i earn enough.

His money obviously goes everywhere and to what he wants. I try to discuss this with him but he gets aggro and we end up fighting.

So the question remains... .  is this what i want?

Funny you mention this, The job my husband did get was because his cousin just got a job at the same place and asked him if he wanted him to get him a job too. I've gotten my husband sevral jobs and they never lasted. When I first met my husband I found it strange he had worked at so many places. He had a job at the time so I didn't really think anything of it.

Yep, both my jobs are "desk jobs" therefore I should still have to maintain the house because its not actual "work". The other day he actually made the comment that he shouldn't have to do dishes or take out the trash because he has to do that at work... .   

It is a tough question isn't it Wishful Thinking 

my spouse no longer works, to give some background like myself back in the day she was a qualified lawyer (and that's how we met)

after ten years of work she ended up having a breakdown driven by her job, she is a very anxious person & became convinced she was going to be sued & go to prison over her work

this was all out of proportion to me given no one ever even suggesting suing her but if you have an anxious mind it can run riot, she was well liked & respected by colleagues who were all suprised when she walked away from the profession

we agreed that she should take some time off & look at an alternate career if that's what she wanted, we were lucky in that if she needed not to work or take a lower paid job we could accomodate that

this was over six years ago & she has never returned to work in any form, initially she enjoyed the time off but over time it's probably ceased to work out

she has become resentful that she feels she's wasting her life & lost esteem as she's not earning, nonetheless she's has never applied for any job & declines my suggestion that she consider some voluntary work as a halfway house back towards working

in her case I think she genuinely does want to work again but is potentially overwhelmed as to what she wants to do, applying for jobs & i suspect the fear of rejection applying for jobs is another factor

i try to encourage her but she needs to find her own path, i have no doubt if i started suggesting she applied for particular jobs she would see it is a criticism or alternately down the line she would blame me & say i made her apply etc.

it's frustrating & tiring for me working full time & then doing extra part time work to support us, but reassuring to see how many other people have some commong ground

pp

This is an important thread.  My new borderline therapist is teaching me skills to enforce boundaries on a borderline.  It's complicated and I am still at beginning stages, but there have been huge changes already.

For me, the key to enforcing boundaries is the understanding that BPDs actually have justifications for all of their crazy behaviors and emotions.  It all makes sense to them in their head at the time.  But they do not ever voice these justifications to us. 

For every single area, I am learning I need to respectfully find out what his justification is for not doing what I feel he should be doing.  Of course you need to word these things artfully.  So my conversation on housework might go like this:

"Hey, I realize I have been wanting you to do things differently around the house without getting your opinion of how we should do things first.  Your opinions around this are very important to me, and I would like to get your thoughts on how we should be dividing the work."

There has been a complete transformation in my home based on my husband telling me his justifications.  He comes out with the most outrageous belief system, that makes beautiful sense in his own head, but when he has to say it out loud in a calm, serious and respectful environment, it's so silly that even he can't go along with it.  This has been the keystone to so many changes my husband has made.  And it happened without any confrontation, control, blame or bad feelings.

Plus this is all based upon good sound partnership skills.  Even if your belief is good and his is crazy, as your partner, he still has equal say in all decisions.  The way they get away with everything is they don't tell you their justification.  You would laugh very hard if I told you the justifications my husband has come up with for why he doesn't want to take on his share of the responsibilities.

I have been able to melt each belief system on this concept and get what so far looks like permanent behavior change.  I am also starting to see that our strengthening of our resolution to follow through to get our partnership needs met by them is what eventually gives them the self esteem they need to feel good about themselves.  So making them do what they should be doing is always win/win. 

These are tough issues to deal with.  Often, these patterns become ingrained over time.  There is no magic trick that can change things over night.  

Think of it from their perspective.  The status quo works for them.  There is no incentive to change.  Someone else pays all the bills, cooks and cleans up for them, and does their laundry.  Meanwhile they can stay at home playing video games until all hours, buy whatever they want with "their" money, and pretty much do as they please.  Why would they want to change this?  

It doesn't really matter how they justify this lopsided arrangement, it's working for them . . . because we let it.  

There is always a reason to "just take care of it ourselves."  It is easier in the short term to do this.  But the short term becomes the long term.

It's not a manipulation to let natural consequences occur.  People who don't work don't have pocket money, or cable tv, or a lot of other things.  People who don't do laundry don't have clean clothing to wear.  People who don't cook don't eat.  This is the law of nature, let it run its course is all I am saying.  

There are a lot of really good books that explain boundaries.  I like "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, but there are many others.  We also have workshops on boundaries that are very good--check them out.   |iiii    

Well I do have to say I have found out one way to get him to do the laundry for me. I've ruined some clothing on accident on more than one occasion. If I ask and he is in the correct mood, he will do laundry.

unless I start leaving food on the dishes he probably won't do those anytime soon. And I already suck at cooking and he won't pick that up either. He will eat Cereal, he ate cereal last night.

I agree though, It's not like I am putting up a fight, I have before and I seem to choose my battles depending on what is causing the most problems. I know he isn't neccisarily lazy either, I think he gets in this place where his thoughts run wild and the thought of even getting up and taking a shower seem daunting to him.

I use paper plates and plastic cups a lot! My husband wants to start buying plastic silverware too 

Picking your battles is good.   |iiii  Don't try to do everything all at once!

Just make sure you do pick a few things to work on. 

My uBPDw has not worked since the day we got married. She was a flight attendant and had always dreamed of being a pilot. So we decided that I would support us while she went to flight school. Well guess what? Four and a half years later how much schooling has she done? That's right... .  none. And guess who's fault it is? Needless to say, I definitely did not draw much of a line here. We come from a religious background that believes that whenever possible a husband should provide for his family, and I agree with that... .  but she uses that against me and says I will never be able to provide. I also have made it so she will never be able to get another job again because she has such a long period of no work history. This is a great post, and a very tough problem. Like everything with BPD, it's a big catch 22. And of course, gradually the housework has become more and more my responsibility too. I am just learning about boundaries, and found some great things here. Thank you.

Much the same here, partners has never really held a job long, always ended with workplace disputes. Got to the point that I stopped encouraging to apply, as it was a roller coaster of stressing applications, getting the job then stressing loosing them. It was a negative and destructive spiral.

A lifetime of alcohol and medication abuse meant "responsibilities" came a long way second. Now I know how her mind ticks I see she gets overwhelmed very quickly. Lots of good intententions, but they go on the back burner until there is too much. So nothing gets done.

For a long time I enabled it too much, now its a slow path back. Nagging and boundaries dont acheive much. Leaving obvious openings a few at a time achieves more. But that is because we are at a point were she acknowledges her issues and wants to change, but doesn't seem to mentally know how to motivate and structure herself properly. Chores will still only get done when and if she feels like it, not reliably when needed. Lots of work to be done before it could be called anything like functional

A lot of this I think comes down to having little structure and self discipline, and operating on impulse and immediate gratification. So priorities get skewed

Very interesting reading here!  No, my (soon to be husband) doesn't work.  He worked like a mad man for many years because he had to support his children (4 from his 1st 2 wives).  He even changed careers to please one wife as she didn't want to be married to a mechanic.  He managed to put away enough money that he can be comfortable in his early retirement. 

It really isn't a problem for me that he doesn't have income from a current job.  What does  disturb me is that he'll sit in front of the computer day in and day out while the dirt piles up around him!  He jokes and says "yeah, I wasn't planning to clean until spring" but I'm the one that can't stand the filth, so I end up cleaning it.  His threshold for messes seem to be much higher than mine.  The way I see it if the dirt bothers me, I should be the one to clean it.  He has taken to doing the laundry (long crazy rage story but it ended with him picking up the task without me saying a word)

Anyway... .  I work hard at a very physical job and then come home, cook, clean, etc.  He's made comments about how I don't work hard because I don't work many hours in a day, but I know he couldn't do what I do... .  nuff said!  He has put in MAYBE 2 hours a day working on rewiring and plumbing in our house and did absolutely nothing yesterday aside from grocery shopping while I worked on the bathroom all day... .  and he said this morning that he thinks he deserves breakfast in bed today!  LOL  I'll give him breakfast in bed!  Good grief!

If you want to reverse this, then you need to have a plan and structure. You will not be able to do it all at once, especially without keeping a sense of calm and balance yourself.

Changes need to evolve, and it will take a lot of patience

My uBPDw has stayed at home for the past 10 years.  She usually does a good job of taking care of the house, although staying awake all night is somewhat of a problem.  Lately she stays up all night (or maybe most of the night, sleeping, say 2 hours) 2 or 3 nights per week on average.  That makes for a next day that is more difficult and emotional than "normal". 

Our youngest starts kindergarten next year, so I'm expecting a crisis around that time when she no longer has a reason to stay home anymore... .  I'm bracing myself for that and preparing myself not to let it ruin my planned attendance at a music convention that will take place around the same time.      

My partner went through a phase of this, getting to the bottom of this unearthed that it was a form of self harm. She felt unworthy and didn't deserve sleep.

Have you probed much to find what the underlying cause is?

You are right it is extremely destructive and affects everyone around her.

Haven’t really probed the underlying cause.  In years past, I would go into caretaker mode and try to stay awake with her, or convince her to come back to bed.  That did not work and was counterproductive in many cases.  Now I just enjoy having the bed to myself and go about my business sleeping as usual (actually better than usual). 

If I probed about the underlying cause of the insomnia, I’m pretty sure she would say one of two things (1) “it’s because I have brain cancer/pancreatic cancer/ovarian cancer/bone cancer/” or some other paranoid fantasy disease that somehow the doctors have not caught; or (2) “it’s because 20 years ago you said you thought Cindy Crawford was hot, so I know I can’t trust you and you’re probably somehow cheating on me” or some other BPD accusation/blame statement. 

Those open-ended questions typically take the conversation in an unhealthy direction.  I’m impressed that your pwBPD was introspective enough to realize the self-harm aspect.  Was there a specific strategy you used in your probing on the subject?

It came out in a roundabout way when talking generally about feelings of self loathing and other forms of self harm. Most break thoughs come about as a side effect of discussing something else, head on discussions usually immediately put the defenses up

You are right nothing much useful comes out in response to direct questions, the blame just gets hung on the nearest and easiest excuse. Usually because I had done something, or said no to something, she acted as though she was doing it to punish me. A bit like a child who was going to hold their breathe because they couldn't have any sweets.

I too thought at least I'll get some peace and went to bed, still would go to bed as there is little you could do, but as you say sleep deprivation creates even worse triggers for dramas. I eventually made it a boundary that if she deliberately stayed up all night first sign of attitude due to sleep deprivation and I would make myself disappear for the day. In other words cut no slack due to being tired, usual boundaries applied and made it known that I was on alert for it.

Its much the same when probing causes of depression, and I think this is closely related.

A lot of BPD behavior is related at a core level. Get to a bottom of the core driving patterns and you can sometimes work back outwards to understand symptomatic behavior linking much of it together.

At times you just have to accept illogical behavior as just that, and dont drive yourself nuts trying to understand. It may become clear and it may not

My husband is currently going through a sleeping pattern where he stays up all night, might take a nap to hold him over. Then once I get home from work he sleeps while I am there. I'm not complaining about it, I don't understand why he wants to sleep at this time but it gives me plenty of quiet time so I'm letting him do as he pleases. What's strange to me is that he will get back to a normal sleeping schedual by himself and as soon as it's somewhat normal he will take an extremly long nap at like 5:00 at night and his scedual is once again screwed up. I personally don't mind having the bed to myself, I sleep better anyways when he's not in the room. But like I said before, it causes problems if he needs to get up and do something during the day.

At least he is getting sleep, its really just the lack of normal structure that males it all a bit inconvenient and dysfunctional.

The real issues arise when they simply try to avoid sleep altogether, which we all know is impossible. Worse my partner did was 4 days and 3 nights straight. This is despite also taking valium, xanax, antidepressents, antipsychotics and drinking on top of it. Would have knocked a bull elephant out in minutes. Wasn't even keeping herself busy just sat at the kitchen table and snapped at anyone who said anything.

Dont know if there is a name for it. Its like the sleep version of bulemia.

I am glad that is behind us (hopefully)

I agree actually, I don't btch when he is sleeping. I've been around him when he won't sleep. He says he tries but I never saw him try very hard. he would fall asleep for an hour at a time while sitting in front of the TV, I could see that he wanted to sleep though and was tierd.

My husband is actually Bipolar so I've dealt with 4 months of him not sleeping at all because he was Mannic. This was before he was diagnosed with anything. It was a nightmare, he didn't run out of energy but he wasn't all there. He was delusional and kept seeing things. He would aslo look for things to get pissed off about. So if he starts showing a pattern of zero sleep I look into it seriously. He had a habbit of taking the pills to try and go to sleep too, Xanax, Valum, muscle relaxers, ambian. He would sleep for maybe an hour and then be up and causing havoc in no time. He eventually had to be hospitalized he had 4 different kinds of pills in his system. He wasn't attempting suicide either. Deffinatly glad that is over. Hope I never see him like that again. It's good to know what to look for. Had I known at the time he was Bipolar, I would have seen the signs a lot sooner.

In regards to housework/helping out with chores: I get him to do things by not doing them myself. For example, I always leave my dishes in the sink during the weekdays (when I'm working), the washer/dryer are in his man cave, so he get's to do it... .  otherwise he deals with my presence (and I make sure to sit and watch TV with him and ask tons of questions so he "kicks me out", I will not sweep or vacuum, at one point he will do it. It took me to accept that my house was not showroom clean. Of course, this only works of your SO is also a clean freak... .  otherwise forget it.

In regards to sleeping: The sleeping pattern is what I have the most difficulty with, currently he goes to bed at either 5-6pm, wakes up at 1-2am, then back to sleeping by 5am till about 11am or, the one I hate the most, stays up till 2am, sleeps till noon, then naps from 3pm to 6pm. I used to stay as quiet as possible not to wake him up, now I do what I would do if he was awake (i.e. cooking, cleaning, watching TV while still trying to reduce some of the noise... .  I don't want to wake a hibernating bear)

In regards to him cooking: Forget it. I love cooking, so I do it over the weekend. I prepare a few meals (enough for the week), deserts, etc. I make sure there is at least 1 meal he truly loves (he's worst than a toddler to feed at times, all he wants is junk food) and he wants to eat no matter his state (his comfort food of sort) and I make sure he has enough for every meal. That being said, what is in the fridge has to be eaten because I won't make anything else until it is.

Another way I got him to do things, is take "advantage" of his good moments. When I notice how good he's doing, I will ask for his "help" with something. That makes him feel like he is useful around the house and has some worth. I can help with him feeling good slightly longer.

There may need to be a balance, and it can tough to achieve or figure out.

My wife helps out a lot more than she used to. But she really does face significant challenges in her functioning (she is diagnosed both BPD and bipolar).

I've had to accept that while she can usually watch the kids for a few hours, she isn't going to be able to watch them all summer, for example. Not unless or until her functioning improves a lot.

Trying to gently push for improvement without demanding of her what she simply can't do, is a tough balance to strike.

My husband has had jobs but is always in a continous cycle of either getting layed off or him quitting or something happening with his job. He usually does pursue trying to find employment but maybe NOT to the extend that he should sometimes. (but I have also experienced that with Non BPD people) He does show a desire to be employed because it seems to give him stability about himself. But when he is not working he is off and on with the help around the house. He will not cook or do dishes. He will and does all the laundry. I never have to worry about clean clothing. He will do very detail cleaning such as mopping, dusting etc... .  He does have issues with the sleeping... .  usually has to take something to help him go to sleep. He gets very off track and has to get back when he doesn't have a job. I have come to realize that I either accept the employment issues or NOT. And currently today, I am accepting it because I do see effort on his part. He has drawn unemployment and I know exactly how you feel about it feels like he just thinks oh I can take a break. But I have to say, He does get bored and wants a job, so he starts getting on the ball again. He starts a new job on Monday, even though he still has unemployment available, so I thought that was a good effort for him. I know there's lots of negative with BPD but there are some positives (cleaning  lol) if you want to look at the bright side. And we do have to just realize that we have a choice. Either accept somethings or NOT. Everyone... .  everyone has issues, some just are not to this extend. I am sure we all know that. Good luck.