BPDFamily.com

I would define my wife as pwBPD.  After years of struggle it now seems clear (at times) what is going on.  She is very intelligent and always seems to flip it back on me; blames me for all the chaos.  This is crazy making.

Her older brother had serious mental issues... .  very much like borderline.  It helped me put 2 and 2 together.  I have literally begged for a reasonable divorce which she said she would never give me... .  threats... .  outbursts... .  chaos.

I feel stuck.

 *welcome* to bpdfamily.com

sansa, accusations and blame are common unfortunately. It hurts – I know!

We need to look after ourselves sansa – with this we gain back our self worth and independence which helps us to not take their projections personally - because we know better than to believe it.

If we counter-attack we make things worse. How do you handle these events?

Stop accusations and blaming (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0)

Its possible to make things better however we also need to accept the short comings – i.e. we need to step up and be emotionally mature in how we handle things. Have you heard of communication tools such as Validation and S.E.T? I can post some links if you are interested. It can help to defuse conflict.

If you are begging for a divorce, she then threatens and you retract it – are you not also merely threatening? Threats are empty my friend – either do it and mean it or don’t threaten. This will more than certainly upset her and cause her to act out. We need to see our role in the things we do/how we do it.

Sometimes I get caught up with thinking that it is my fault (because, hey, no one is perfect and I have undoubtedly messed up sometimes).  She zeros in on those aspects even though hers are elephantine compared to mine (correct word? lol).  It is very frusterating and the only thing that cures this is time (lets her think and calm down).

I had a friend in elementary school whom I played soccer with.  We called him train because sometimes he would act like a train (he was a bit heafty).  He would zero in on a player who had the ball and barrel rush him, not stopping for anything.  Sometimes I think about this when I make a decision that I know I want but will experience resistance with the missus.  I don't think, I just do. ( try   )

I don't know how much help this is when you are asking your wife to cooperate with you.  But pick what you want and barrel rush it.   

My wife also once told me that if I say I am going to do something and don't or am validating her irrationality, it is almost "training" her to think that it is ok and is conditioning her to do it again.

Thanks to those who have replied to this and other posts.  Your insight and experience is appreciated.

I think what I've come to understand is that the labels are useless.  It is only what each person is capable of living with and for.  Good luck and best wishes to all of you struggling with (or accepting graciously) the relationships in your lives.

James Hollis' books are a wonderful resource.

I feel your pain. The arguments to determine fault go on for days and or weeks. When it seems like a simple miscommunication that started the disagreement could have been resolved by simply saying , oh okay sorry or oh okay well we simply disagree lets move on solution turns into a huge on going battle of faults. Its nuts how logic simply does not apply when going thru this. Particularly frustrating is when you know your BP girlfried or partner is a very intelligent common sense person in most areas of life but when it comes to your relationship there is no logic.

to viking11:

BINGO!  You have it so right on it is amazing.  It is totally crazy making.

You are so right.It comes down to what each individual is able to live with and accept in the relationship. I use to think it was my obligation to stay with my BPD girlfriend because it was not her fault. Then I slipped into anxiety issues which I never had in my life. I also slipped into clinical depression. I am happy to say that after 6mos. I am getting back to being me again and off of anxiety med and anti depressants. I have always been a strong independant confident person. But I completely turned into a sniveling little btch for a while there, developed insecurities,apparently adopted a lot of my gilrfriends behavior characteristics.  But I am now understanding that I have to figure out how to take care of me first , set boundaries and not allow me to be lost trying to accomodate my BPD girlfriendor get out of the relationship altogether ? So yea in retrospect its difficult figuring out how much you can live with before you realize it has become more than you can handle. Starting to enjoy interacting with my family and friends again while I get me back.

Hi sansa,


Fault is irrelevant. Focusing on fault is like giving her the tool to split, the leaver to her power.


Getting her agreement is unlikely. Possibly you get it if you oppose divorce if she has such a strong tendency to split and take the opposite end. Won't help you since neither position will be stable.

You are posting on undecided to you are not certain what to do. As you wrote you are doubting constantly yourself it may be helpful to check out the workshops on boundaries and establish a few critical one. Boundaries are good tool to strengthen your sense of self and regain a sense of control. Workshop: Boundaries, Living our values (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries).

*welcome*,

a0