BPDFamily.com

I am hit with guilt about all this.

I get advice from others (mostly a family member and best friend---no-one that he is friends with knows all his nitty gritty)

I have told my family a lot and two people in particular everything I have put on this board anonymously. I'm an open and honest communicator. I solve problems with venting and speaking with others.

In the past my pwBPD have had problems, I have talked to others about him. I'm starting to feel like a real hypocrite as I overheard him saying bad things about me, and I was furious about it and gave him a lecture.

All the things I have said here are true. He is being cruel, he did lie, he did paint me black. But I have a half of me wanting to repair the relationship.

I feel like I am splitting my energies here.

On one had I am angry with him, I want to move on and tell people what he did.

On the other hand we had problems before---NEVER this bad, and I regretted telling my family and best friend bad things about him.

Because then when he makes genuine changes, efforts, and goes out of his way for me---I feel bad for ruining his reputation.

My family used to think he was nice. I've been unemployed for a long time and he was helping me out and being the breadwinner. I felt like I should be grateful for this, but he started getting frustrated and more verbally and emotionally abusive.

My family said no matter how much he does for you, the nastiness still counts. I felt a mixture of relief to be validated but also angry that he really deserves more kudos for what he put up with me too.

I'm not just saying this from low self-esteem, I do have depression, anxiety and my own needs. I'm never an angry person like him, certainly not BPD---but I'm not totally fine either.

Sometimes I feel really guilty and ungrateful. Sure he can be a real jerk, but he's done and put up with more than a non BPD guy would because I have my own depression and things that would overwhelm a normal guy. ( this is true normal guys have not had the same amount of affection or nuturing he has given me & I have overwhelmed other people before)

Sometimes I feel really sad about all this, as his splitting/painting black takes a big toll on me as family was never as supportive as he was.

This relationship means so much to me because at the start everyone around us noticed how we were so good for each other. He really got me out of my shell, and his impulsive/daring side helped my depression. I tried a lot more things around him. He built my confidence up and made me feel truly loved. I gave him so many things he had wanted for years. Someone kind and didn't mind his intense emotions. Our previous partners didn't deal with those aspects so well. I feel like we really were helpful to each other that way.

I feel like it's fair to put up with his temper because he puts up with my anxieties and depression. He really was empathetic, and beyond patient for a very long time.

Now because he is being intensely mean to me, maybe I am the one in the wrong. What is two weeks compared to months or years of nice in between?

I'm really doubting myself, maybe I haven't had enough gratitude and my constant depression (yes I admit he made it worse, a lot worse sometimes with rejection, anger, moodiness Jeykll-Hyde changes) was enough to engulf and infuriate him.

I'm being pretty candid here! (hope I don't look too crazy, but I have to point out my own flaws otherwise it's too biased)

Don't get me wrong, I know right now he is doing the wrong thing, but for so long he really did his best, took care of me and I have flaws too.

I want to talk to people at the same time as thinking if things ever went back to how they were before--maybe I did too much damage to his reputation with my family and friends?

That's not right, he has a mental illness... .  so do as depression is technically a mental illness... .  I don't know.

Maybe I did the wrong thing.

First of all AWWWW    I know exactly how you feel.  I am in a similar situation.  Please trust me on this.  There can never be enough gratitude to fill his empty places.  Whatever he needs, if you give it, he will only need more.  Its best to only give what YOU feel good giving.  An amount that is comparative with what you feel, not what you think you should feel.  This applies to everything.  financial and emotional  Its enough.  Anything else will leave you bitter.

I vent here.  No one else can be bothered to understand the illness and they wonder why I am still in the relationship.  It causes me less emotional stress to just deal with my emotions in a safe, non judgmental environment than to tell others what he did and then have to come back later and tell them we made up and JADE my hiney off.

As far as him being mean to you.  I get that too, but only in small doses.  Anything more than a couple of ugly words and I leave the convo.  To be totally honest, he usually beats me too it as he can see his mood is causing me hurt.  I love him for that.  This has taken some work by both of us.  When he feels a rage he takes the evening to himself.  If not, I will.

Your doing fine.  Your processing your grief and hurt and trying to make sense of it.  Its normal.  Its hard to accept that we are in a relationship that can be verbally abusive.  We were always taught not to put up with that stuff, and still, here we are.

I am sure there are those here that can give you some sounder advice, I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you, and your not alone.

You can't stop your feelings... .  but guilt isn't a helpful one usually.

Thinking if you are behaving wisely and kindly, sounds better. So does thinking about how you can improve it.


Yes and No.

Yes, you feel that you owe him some tolerance, patience, and love because of all he has done for you. That is why you are still in a relationship with him.

No, you aren't helping either one of you if you just "put up with" his temper and allow him to rage at you or hurt you. Really. Don't do it "to help him" because it doesn't help him. The "best case" is that he gets dependent upon using you as an emotional punching bag as a way to manage his own feelings.

At that point, remove yourself from the situation as quickly and calmly as you can, trying not to join in the fight or argue.


I did tell some people in our lives about my wife's issues/behavior. I am not sure if it did more help or more harm in different cases. I don't do so much of it these days.

One thing I did do fairly carefully was pick people who have personal experience with mental health issues, either their own, family members, or both, and do view it as an illness that can be treated.

All told it is a tough choice.  OTOH, venting/asking for advice on these boards is great and safe!