BPDFamily.com

it's crazy, yes. i am aware, yes. it still all sucks.

i turned around, and in the distance, i saw someone that i thought, was her. i kept staring, looking, yearning, wanting, hoping... .  of course, it wasn't her.

i came home, sad, lonely and feeling, not so great.

i thought, ~! i just wanna tell her that i saw someone that reminded me of her. but, nope. gotta keep the NC alive and kicking hard. especially, in these moments.  

it made me think of the things that I MISS! the little things... .  not even so much, the "good" things. just, certain things... .  

it sucks.

in other relationships, (not with pwBPD), i might send a text or email or call and mention these things. albeit, who knows what the outcome would be but, i know it wouldn't be what it would be if i contact my ex(pwBPD).

i don't know if it's the "witching hour," the "moon," or mercury in retrograde but, damn! i want to pick up the phone and tell my ex, i miss the good parts. (oh so, few and far between... .  )

it's more likely, i really just need to vent. then again, one will never know... .  because, it was in reality, a lie.

:'(

i guess my point for posting is so i don't contact her... .  i'm finding it VERY difficult with each moment... .  

It definitely helps to write them here.

Sometimes I write out emails which I never send.  Just saying all the things I miss and still love about her.  All the happy memories we shared.

You're right - it's best to keep that NC.  In some ways I wish my ex hated me so I could keep NC, but I promised her I'd always be here for her, no matter what.  And I won't abandon her, seeing as that's her biggest fear in life!  Even though she's happy now with her new fiancee.  If she needs me, if she wants to talk to get closure, I am here.

I understand how you feel about it all being a lie.  But reading things written by people WITH BPD, it wasn't a lie.  It really was very real for that time.

Like going to Secondary School - it was real at that time, you had years of happy (and not so happy!) memories with classmates, lessons, social groups... .  it's just no longer your life now.

Hang in there. Keep posting.  Talk to a close friend who doesn't mind you reminiscing.

I know it really hurts, I've been doing it.  On NC now for almost 4 months with my exBPD SO.   I've got mine blocked from all contact with me now, but she could still get in touch with me if she wanted to bad enough.  I really don't know what I would honestly do if she did contact me.  Personally I've come to the point where I'm cool if I never speak to her or see her again and I have no desire to contact her.  She turned at a stoplight in front of me in my new truck a couple of weeks ago and kept looking at me while she turned, I didn't wave, but glanced at her.  I'm getting soo much healthier and sane without her in my life and hopefully you will do the same with yours'.  I don't care how pretty, smart, wealthy, or prestigious her or her family is, the insanity, nuttiness, manipulation, lies, triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0), projection, and all the other BS is too much for any man/or woman for that matter to put up with. 

THANK YOU. sure needed to read this today!