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Title: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: struggli on March 02, 2013, 07:11:24 PM What I want in a partner:
Honest/No secrets Trustworthy/Reliable/Consistent Low-maintenance/No need for me to walk on eggshells Faithful/Monogamous/Committed Health conscious/Takes care of mental and physical health Intimate/Affectionate Sexually compatible/Adventurous Attractive to me Mutual effort and interest Shared vision for future Shared ideals/beliefs/values Is energized/excited about me (Is this all realistic? It sounds like something otherworldly) What I will not put up with in a partner: Confusion about relationship status Needs breaks from me Wishy washy Tells lies, even seemingly 'little' ones Makes me frequently have a sick feeling in my gut via words or actions Is touchy feely with strangers (esp. male) Seems to thrive on male attention Frequently triggers suspicious/neurotic/jealous feelings in me Needs to mingle with everyone/be a socialite Partier/drinker Has all guy friends Keeps in regular contact with exes Has a shi-ty family Was sexually abused (Yeah, that's harsh, but... . I can't deal with it unless she is dealing with it) Makes a big deal about rich people Has an aversion to sex or is very strict/controlling about it Has a history of cheating Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: healingmyheart on March 02, 2013, 07:24:03 PM sounds pretty reasonable to me... . in fact that could be my list as well. My ex lied and deceived me. It was so very painful... . I will NOT ever tolerate that again. I kicked him out days after it happened. Definitely the right decision. I think... . no, I know he was shocked that I actually did it. I was this passive partner until that happened. I don't think he ever thought he'd get caught and when he did he tried to lie his way out of that. Plus, he tried to blame me for his deceit... . for figure. I feel so sorry for him. At least I have a chance for starting over with a healthy person who can actually love me for love. He will continue his cycle over and over again.
Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: healingmyheart on March 02, 2013, 07:25:24 PM What does "make a big deal about rich people" mean? Hated them or loved them
Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: really on March 03, 2013, 12:24:19 AM Stuggli,
Yep, my list as well... But what I put up with was everything in that 2nd list. That's why I am so damaged now... . I bought into the illusion that she was honest, trustworthy, affectionate with a shared vision for the future... . her words gave me the impression that this was who she is, yet her actions were all those things on the 2nd list. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because the idolization phase was so wonderful, and when I challenged her about things she became clingy... . then crash, bang, wallop, get out of my life... . and then the replacement gets put on Facebook and I learn it was all a lie. I'm trying to work out how I stayed, how i put up with it... . the new guy thinks he is getting that list as well but it will only be a matter of time. Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: MaybeSo on March 04, 2013, 09:18:20 AM These are good boundaries.
An important shift will be making the responsibility yours; "I do not maintain romantic relationships with people who lie to me." Boundaries can easily slip into picking the same relationship dynamics, and feeling more and more pissed off because you are more clear than ever what your boundary is, but they do are not following your boundaries, so you argue with them some more about it. Pretty soon, you wake up and realize "I do maintain r/s with people who lie to me"... . because you have been in a r/s for months arguing with a person about your boundary. So be clear, your boundaries are yours to defend, act on, comply with and respect. We can invite someone to provide the same, but it's purely optional and it's not their job to take care of your boundaries for you. That is your job. When we spend a lot of time trying to convince someone to respect our boundaries, we aren't respecting our own boundaries... . so why should they? Boundaries are only ever about us, not someone else. Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: Phoenix.Rising on March 05, 2013, 11:48:15 AM I like your list, Struggli. We have to be willing to provide the same to our partners. Food for thought.
|iiii Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: hithere on March 05, 2013, 02:23:51 PM I think those wants are realistic.
I am now in a new healthy relationship and she gives me all your wants. But on the don't wants: Excerpt Keeps in regular contact with exes - she does keep in tough with an ex or two, but I trust her and it is mostly a few texts here and there, some facebook messages and the odd coffee meeting. I think if you are in a healthy trusting relationship, keeping in touch or even friendly with some ex's is no big deal. In fact last Friday night we had one of my ex's and her husband over for coffee. Title: Re: My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w Post by: GreenMango on March 08, 2013, 04:24:38 AM Struggli this is a great idea to start defining healthy relationships.
MaybeSo's point about shifting it to personal responsibility is really helpful. A way that may help to do that is to define your values or principles you live or want to live by then frame out some of the boundaries around those. I value honesty... . I will not lie or hid things from my partner and if my partner lies to me I will... . I value (fill in the blank)... . |