BPDFamily.com

A line from an 80's group called Utopia... .  yep, we loved that group and this is how I am feeling now. Forgotten but not gone.

Our days: He COMES TO BED at 5 am... .  I get up unless I am able to stay in bed for another hour or two. I take care of the puppies, get my son ready to school, leave the girl puppy upstairs with him, leave and then may stop for coffee, library or SPEND THE DAY OUT away from the house and pick up son and go "home"... .  On Friday night, after bringing son "home" I had had a nice lunch and was not hungry, I had fed him fast food and when we went home, I shortly fell asleep on the couch for TWO hours... .  got up, and THEN made some dinner for us at 8 p.m. . I played on computer and went to bed at 11:30... .  REPEAT (all except for the nap, that was SWEEEEEEEET.)

The past few days, I have "seen him" for LESS than 4 hours each day... .  the days are getting nicer, less time for him to dysregulate, less time for me to feel oppressed and "forgotten" in my own "home".

I feel pretty much alone, even here at bpdfamily.com... .  are there ANY OTHERS who are STILL LIVING with their BPD but planning to leave and feel "forgotten but not yet gone"? YOU are NOT alone.

Hi

I can relate to this. I was thrown out by my partner last night after id misbehaved. But before that I'd decided I wanted to give things a go using some of the coping tools advised here. That lasted a week! Whilst I was at our home I felt like he was doing everything he could to avoid me. Going to bed very early at weekends, and staying up much later than me on weeknights when I had to go to bed earlier. When we did have spare time together he would act like he was already single, I tried to make shared plans and he would be non-committal saying he wasn't sure what he was doing. I bought food in for a Saturday night tea and he couldn't even commit to sharing a meal together. It was heart breaking, like his body was technically still in the relationship but otherwise he had already totally withdrawn. I felt like an imposition and a nuisance in my own home, it was very lonely and isolating. I actually longed to be at my mums in the end, even though I'm in a small box room, at least she makes me feel welcome and supported.

Have you told your partner you plan to leave?x

I lived kind of like that - not that extreme - for several years.  She went to bed early.  I got up early and left for work.  On weekends one of us would take the kids and go do stuff and the other would stay home.  An un-expressed mutual decision not to be around each other.

It was a good decision, but it just bought us time, didn't fix anything.  And it didn't buy us as much time as I thought, because the stress was building, and ultimately things went bad, and I had to deal with them.

So Real Lady, do you see this continuing for a long time, or do you have an idea how to make things better?

I am sorry   that you were treated so badly by him... .  it is heartbreaking to love someone who does NOT reciprocate it. He has alienated me as well. He "wanted" me to leave by January (past) but I told him that I am ACTIVELY WORKING ON IT and that "when I and my son leave, we will NOT be coming back"... .  this must create the "amount of distance" that he needs in the "relationship". I say that it calls an END to any relationship with him. All he can say about my leaving is that the "dogs will miss you terribly"... .  and I said "yes, they know I love them and they love me very much".

Are you planning NC now that he has kicked you out and make PLANS to start your life without him? It is hard but what is there to "go back to?". HUGS.


Hi Matt... .  yes, I think that is what has happened as well... .  he "games" for about 12 hrs a day and when I am sleeping, he doesn't have to "put up" with my totally ignoring his "gaming" and what he talks about it. He is "in his own world, I am in mine" and I am continuing to reinforce that they DO NOT MEET.


I see it as buying me time and keeping things quiet so I CAN LEAVE. I show NO interest in trying to have any relationship with him, he doesn't seem to care either. Just existing in the same house for now.


I am hoping that it will last long enough that I don't have to deal with huge dysregulations. He seems to be supportive of things that I want to do; beginning my life without him by seeing friends, going to concerts, etc. He continues to support me and my son with groceries, etc... .  How can I "make things better"? I don't think that they could be much better than this now. I don't see us being able to "go back to the way things were" between us without massive therapy for him. I am no longer willing to fight for any relationship with him... .  just hoping that I can get out and have NC one day. OH, I love him very much but am NOT willing to live this way... .  he will NOT go to counseling, etc. There is nothing else I can do to help him or help "us" so I am doing my best to help my son and I... .  it is going well so far.

Do you have a time for leaving, and an idea where you will go, and how that will work?

You sound so strong and that you have a clear plan. That's really positive  :)  I dont have a plan at the moment, I feel a bit disappointed that I wasnt able to keep the peace and lost my cool when he pushed me. I just keep thinking if Id kept my cool I could still be at home working things out and regaining some stability. He was violent last night and he physically removed me from our flat, so i didn't make a decision to leave, but the violence was bad and I feel I have no choice but to stay away. I'm not good at nc but will try to limit contact and will get things off my chest if I need to but will try to limit this. I realise that while he doesn't acknowledge there is a problem and take action I'm fighting a losing battle, on my own!  I think I prob have to focus on rebuilding my life without him assuming notthing will change, but letting go of hope is very hard xx

I would like to AIM for August... .  no family or friends to help... .  don't know exactly but will have to find assistance for housing... .  not exactly sure but then I have NO security with my pwBPD... .  


Honestly, I am sure that it is not what you have done or haven't done but HIS BPD that has made it impossible for YOU to keep the peace... .  they don't like it when WE are at peace either... .  I believe that there is NOTHING that we can do, THEY have to WANT to get help and heal from this... .  it is not something that we can "live with" without them being in therapy.


   yes, PLEASE be safe and take care of yourself AWAY from him.


Get it off your chest; just don't expect anything from him... .  he is UNABLE TO HELP HIMSELF... .  realize that he is NOT ABLE to help you. It really sucks, but the TRUTH really will SET US FREE.


 I had to ask myself WHAT AM I FIGHTING F-O-R? We seem to end us fighting against the BPD and what I have learned... .  it doesn't work.


YOU CAN DO IT... .  you HAVE to do it, he isn't going to help you rebuild your life. ONLY YOU can do it... .  you don't HAVE TO assume what his behavior will be just expect him NOT to act any differently than he already has.

So what are the steps between now and August?

What could make it possible to do sooner?  Or what could make it take longer?

First, GET A JOB and save for a car and first months rent on an apartment (ugh... .  I hate apartment living) Working on the job part; been so busy with (special needs but NOT Autistic )son's transition to (NEW )middle school, etc.


I am expecting a few $K dollars from my dad's life insurance. I could move out nearly ASAP if and when that comes AFTER I get a job and a car of my own and get our schedule set.


Delay or obstacles in getting and keeping job, getting savings. I am starting to see where uBPDso "might" be trying to sabotage it since he certainly has NOT been encouraging me to get my resume done and out.

I think that "my leaving" and "working on it" is enough for him to create some distance and yet he "still has me".

What the amazing thing to me IS, that he still seems to think that I am "in relationship" with him. There has been NO affection, NO "I love you" or ANY attempt to discuss "our problems" from him at all since November. When he tried to "accuse me" of being with a man for dinner, it seems that he expects me to NOT be interested in other men... .  why would I? If I would ONLY behave (his view of course) then I could BE WITH HIM and live here. It is ALL MY FAULT that I am "having to leave"... .  and that is the way this will play out. I will act DUMB, DEPRESSED and BORING and UNCARING toward him and the puppies (this will rip my heart right out of my chest) so HE can blame ME for leaving.

I was heading for bed, late, when I told the puppies, "I can't let you out".and then I started to head upstairs. He "sighed" very disgustedly and I said "THAT was a big sigh"... .  and he said "Well, you are standing RIGHT THERE" as if that is a "kind request" for me to take the dogs out. I did not say anything and stood there straightening something on the kitchen island and when HE GOT UP from his GAME to let the dogs out, I walked upstairs.

I will NOT allow myself to BE BULLIED into "serving him". I serve him breakfast, leave food for him, buy him convenience foods, etc. WHAT WILL HE DO WHEN I LEAVE when he will NOT have me to DO all of this for him? In spite of this REALITY and denial from him, I will STILL be leaving. That's how I thought THROUGH his behavior... .  letting HIM remain accountable to CARE FOR THIS ANIMALS... .  he has not treated me well enough for me to WANT to stay... .  not even for them.