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I have a really hard time during the day holding onto the bad things. I mean, it was mostly bad. Constantly being stressed and anxious about when the next shoe would drop. Feeling beaten down. Etc... .  

But I have such a hard time holding onto the bad stuff. There are so many points throughout the day that I miss her. I miss so many things about her. And I just beat myself up for not trying harder. I judge myself and my life. I think about the life we could have had together and think of it as a complete fairy tale life (which I know to not be real).

Does anybody have any tips for this? My T says that I am going through the process of re-examing the relationship with a new lens, one that views myself in it and understanding how I felt in it. Basically, he is suggesting that I am coming up a new narrative about the relationship and that after this is done, I will not really say very much good in it at all. Does this make sense?

I have a list of at least 50 times she raged at me for no reason. And this list doesn't even include all the stress of her neediness, her constant accidents, her physical health issues, not being able to sleep beside her, and on and on.

Arg.

johnnyorganic,

The life you could of had together if... .  if what... .  if you tried harder?  What more do you think you could of done?  You were dealing with a disorder which makes it impossible to win no matter what you do or say.  Personally, I think... .  I know you are being too hard on yourself.  Nobody is perfect and we all made mistakes or at least could of done things differently or better if we could do over but would that have made a difference in the end... .  NO. 

I miss me ex too... .  I still feel love for my ex.  He raged and was verbally abusive to my daughter and i.  He lied and deceived me.  He used me for financial gain... .  

Although he did all those things... .  the good was still great and yes, I miss him.  Do I want him back in my life.  If I could go back to the honeymoon time period indefinitely, yes but sadly we all know that is an impossibility. 

It helps me to read the other experiences of people on this board.  It validates what I went through. 

Be good to yourself right now.  I don't know how long you've been apart but try to do special things for you which you've missed out on while you were catering to her needs.  I'm finding having diversions helps tremendously.

tonight the bad is in my face.  I realize that I was so depressed and barely holding on to my job, my life, that I let things slide and now I'm better. but I have to deal with the fallout of all the junk I procrastinated on, like my income tax, and it's in my face that he is the reason why it is all so crappily complicated now because I didn't do it when I was supposed to.

rjh

it is good to have the list. Perhaps you can add your feelings in the situations.

e.g. Raged about xyz -----> I was scared.

My bigger picture about memory/feelings: Some people remember mostly the negative things that happens to them. Other people tend to forget the negative and goes only for the positive. In my eyes both attitudes have dangers.

The balanced wise mind would have both in mind. The good times and the bad times and how we felt in it.

About the "thought to try harder": I know this very well. I would recommend to recognize this as a very negative statement to yourself and let it go. "Ah, here you are again. Mmh. I am busy right now... .  "

I had the same problem, I was flooded with good memories and had to dig deep to find bad ones, as the week's have past though, it does seem to be balancing out a bit more. I'd give it time and the bad memoreis will pop into your head more than they used to.

Makes perfect sense. I've arrived at this point just over the past few weeks. I knew since learning about BPD that a healthy r/s with her is impossible, I've known she's abusive, and selfish, and that she didn't really care about me. I knew I was used, discarded, and treated with all the dismissive repugnance due raw sewage when I sought answers or compassion. Yet, even accepting these facts, I missed her.

I no longer miss her, and, frankly, she's the worst person I've ever personally known. Hands down. I hope I never see her again in my life.

I have a list saved as a word document on my laptop, entitled "dark deeds". 

I guess it's a bit dramatic sounding but it helps.

Every time I feel melancholy and start to miss her and idealize her, I look back at the last and it brings back how I felt at that time... .  

It really does help.

I know you feel and have the same problem.  When I start having those feelings that I miss him, I have to force myself to think about the pain he caused me.  I've now seen him several times in the past week- after not seeing him for months.  We don't talk- I don't try to initiate conversation with him anymore.  What's the point?  He'll either lie or not want anything to do with me.  But the connection I still feel for him is as strong as when we first got together.  It's frustrating... .  :/

This is one of my toughest things too.  I know the last 7 months were hell - I even told my friend i didn't know what was wrong with my wife and that I was about ready to divorce her.  Why is it that now that we are seperated I can't remember those bad times - I only think about the good times. 

Mango FLower, I like your "dark deeds" list... .  I'm going to have to come up with my own version of my list.  Thank you for the idea.  I remember telling my ex before I knew about BPD that he had a "dark side" to him... .  boy, does he... .  much darker than I realized. 

I think with anything, with time passing you do tend to remember mostly the good.  Prime example... .  childbirth.  No matter how painful the act of delivering that child was, you forget the pain and possibly go on and have more children.  The good thing though about childbirth is that you get a healthy (hopefully) beautiful child and with BPD you get a dysfunctional person. Do whatever it takes to remember the bad so you don't go back!