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It was the scariest thing to watch my ex rage.  His eyes would get like a crazed look to them and they almost looked like they were flickering.  It was like he was possessed.  The very first time he raged at me I became so frightened that I melted into a ball in the bathroom floor and just cried for hours.  When he first started his meltdown I remember him saying "this wasn't suppose to happen".  It's like he had hopes that things would be "normal" with me and he wouldn't rage like he obviously did in the past.  Anyway, half way through me crying on the floor he came and sat next to me.  He didn't try to hold me or comfort me... .  he just sat there with me.  I finally reached a point where I calmed down enough and went to bed.  The few times I've tried to talk to him about it, he acts like he doesn't know what I'm talking about.  He does admit to other raging episodes but not this one.  I truly believe its possible that he dissociated himself and does not remember it happening.  Has this happened to anyone else? Also, the eyes... .  anyone else notice the crazed eye look?

Stole, when my ex would rage... .  he would physically turn into a person that I just did NOT recognize.

It was terrifying.

On the day he kicked me out, I went to get my hair cut and he started drinking heavily. When I walked back into the house he was staring in the mirror and when he turned to me... .  I will NEVER forget the sheer terror that shot through me... .  

He was all puffed up, full face. He was bright red, almost purple. His eyes were so tiny and they just looked jet BLACK. His hair looked different... .  even his VOICE sounded different.

It didn't happen every time he raged... .  but it happened enough. Almost like a transformation into this demonic form.

And yes, he TOO would come find me in the closet/bathroom/bedroom/car/wherever and just SIT there.

Stole, I don't have all the answers... .  but my guess is that since they just CAN NOT control their emotions... .  they FEEL that rage to a point that it DOES affect their physical being.

The sitting?

My only guess there is that when their brain re-establishes some degree of normal chemistry... they are likely just as shocked and scared as WE are about the rage. They can't manage these emotions and I just think... .  they don't know what to say. So sitting next to you is the equivalent of: "What just happened? Are you so mad that you won't let me near you? I can't explain this... .  I hate myself." All together... .  that's what I think the sitting in like a deer caught in the headlights is...

When my exuBPDh raged it as if he changed into another person, and talking like a policeman or drill sargent or like a scolding parent.  He would blame me for not being a responsible wife that should stay home and that he earns a living, etc.  "You better think about your actions while I go and wash the dishes.  See?  I stay home and do all the chores.  I just want the appreciation that I deserve for tolerating your actions."  And it goes on and on.    If I say anything at this moment, he will get louder, and more aggressive, and start to mock and patronize me.  If I tried to go to my office and shut the door, he will yell through the door, "you're a little child that can't face the facts of life.  You always do this to everyone who tries to make you see your actions.  You act like a child and shut people out, like a child who can't face reality!"

That is just an example of a typical rage.  

He seems so out of it, like not there in the moment, in real time.  Not just his eyes, but his whole demeanor turns.  

Then after 10-20 mins of this kind of rage, he would knock on my closed door, gently and ask for forgiveness.  By this time I am filled with confusion, anger, and fear.  His eyes would look teary, and he would kneel at my feet and hold my legs and tell me "I love you, honey, don't forget you're a good person."  His face would change, smiling and happy, with teary eyes, "I love you."

When my ex would get really to the breaking point after a fight (not necessarily raging) but when he was stressed and upset and felt challenged, he would say over and over again like a mantra "I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person, I'm not a bad person".  Knowing about BPD now, it makes sense that he would say that.

red candle... .  your description of the sitting makes sense... .  obviously he was having a hard time processing it too. 

But i still feel he doesn't remember the incident at all... .  I think he dissociated from it because maybe it was too painful?

dharmagems... .  I find it interesting that your ex would reassure YOU and you were a good person... .  

When my exBPD SO female went into the last couple of rages at the end she was actually delusional and what I believe to be psychotic, accusing me have of having an ex of mine drive by her house and pull into her driveway, sheesh.   This all was taking place while she was planning to get engaged to the new victim without my knowledge.  The part that I never understood was why she was soo angry at me, all I did was love her, support her, and treat her kindly.  I never new what BPD was until after it ended and I started talking to other people who knew what was going on and I wasn't under her manipulation and lies.  I fully believe that she was capable of shooting or stabbing me with no remorse during the end rage session.  Truly evil indeed, it is like they detach from themselves and the situation totally. 

ScotisGone74,

I hear you in that its baffling in that we gave so much and this is what we get in return.  I gave my heart, my soul, unintentionally ignored my daughter so I could focus 100% on him and this is the thanks that I get. 

I don't think that we can beat ourselves up though for caving in because in the honeymoon period there is absolutely no way to see this coming.

Stolemysoul, I really get yours repeating 'I'm not a bad person' , what mine used to do was volunteer some.  I know it is scary to think about, but it makes sense to me now why she did, it served her several purposes: it made her think how "Good" of a person she was, probably was used to convince a few other people how "good" she was, and helped protect her image.  Its really sad that people with BPD will go to no ends to use others/organizations to derive some type of satisfaction/validation for themselves.  I don't think they do this because they feel any remorse for the pain they have inflicted on others, I believe they do it because they feel wronged, abandoned, uncared for somehow, which is the sad sick part.   

scotisgone74, I agree in that they do feel abandoned and unloved... .  that's what is so painful for me.  Part of me wants to reach out to him and try to help because I realize this all happened because as a little boy he must of been abused or at the very least neglected.  But, I do realize they are in denial and resistant to getting the prolonged treatment.  Also, the pain and abuse I would have to suffer to stick around and help is not in my capabilities.  So sad... .  it's just not right.

stolemysoul,

I realized that the pain and abuse I experienced with my exuhBPD was too much for me to take and it was so sad but I also had to let him go.

My ex's face also changed completely during a rage. Especially around the eyes. His brow became very tense and on the worst occasions the look in his eyes was one of pure evil and I was certain he could kill me, had to think frantically what to say or do to defuse him. I think I got one tiny apology in three years. It was always my fault. Some times he calmed down a bit and started cooking, gave me a plate and sat next to me but didn't touch or look at me and otherwise ignored me for another day. If he did react, he reacted as if I was vermin, and I had to let him be to prevent another rage. But usually he left in the middle of a rage and went to his own place.

Once earlier in the relationship I came after him when he left, and he said that we couldn't be together if I did that. And one time I was such a nervous wreck that I went after him anyway and he got more and more evil looking and tried to burn me with his cigarette. He knew he had to get away or his brake would come off. I read somewhere that when on a scale from 1 to 10 their anger is 1 to 6 they can calm themselves down, when it's higher they might not be able to. Like you I took way way too much because I saw the little boy inside and I wanted to prove to him I would love him and stay with him. I've seen him cry watching sentimental movies (orphans, dying soul mate etc.) when he thought I wasn't looking. He despised me when I cried during or after his rage. Self pity he called it.