BPDFamily.com

Hello, I was told to post my story in this forum.  I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.  I am just looking for some comfort and support while still riding the roller-coaster of emotions.   

We met a few years ago but started seeing one another romantically last April.  Things moved too fast.  She said things like, "I'm ok if you don't want this to go anywhere except physical.  I can bail and it won't hurt me."  Red flag, right?  Boy, if I only knew.  We dated off and on for about 10 months.  I should pause and provide more background.

I'm 38 and she's 24.  I'm divorced with a 6 yo son.  Since my divorce 5 years ago, I have been undergoing psychotherapy for the past 5 years for a behavioral disorder.  You can guess why this is important. 

She dated a couple other guys for a month or so here or there when we were not dating.  Heck, she never even acknowledged we were dating, no matter how serious things became.  I thought things were peculiar about her.  Very very non-committal and sort of a phobia of intimacy.  I could barely make plans more than a couple weeks out.  I always felt that if I made things seem too serious, she would back away and break up with me.  This happened multiple times.  The biggest irony was that, anytime we weren't actually seeing one another, she would become more comfortable and close to me.  She shared very personal things about her medical and psych history that she said she never shared with another guy before.  She stated to me her past struggles with self-mutilation (cutting, scratching) and eating disorders.  She said she went through a handful of therapists in a short amount of time.  She said she was diagnosed bipolar, although I doubt this diagnosis based on what I know now.  After about a month of sharing these things with me and me sharing them with my psychologist, he gently offered that she was displaying many of the hallmark signs of BPD.  This was 2 months ago.  I have since read I Hate You: Don't Leave Me and Stop Walking on Eggshells multiple times each.  I do my best not to view her and her actions through the lens of BPD, but it's a constant struggle. 

I am so thankful for my psychologist and the knowledge I have.  She is textbook BPD for at least seven of the characteristics.  I am likely the only person in her life who knows, and I am choosing to not share it with her for all the reasons that most of you are aware.  It has to come from a therapist.  She is moving to another city far away in a few months to go to grad school.  We are not as close as we were but we still have regular communication every few days (her initiation, not mine).  For now, I only hope to be there to support her and hopefully I'll be able to share a path to therapy with her before she leaves.  It's a daily struggle.  I never know if I am going to wake up to an email from her telling me that she's upset with something I did, or if she'll be in a good mood that day.  It's maddening.  I love her but want to protect myself.

Hi lonestar, welcome.

Everyones stories are different here, we all have the same core to it though. Its like things are totally out of our control, and the person we loved has died.

It must be tough for you being in the lurch with her. I would prepare yourself for the worst, not to be pessimistic, but for your own wellbeing.

Keep us updated there is plenty of good and diverse advice on here.

Also focus on yourself and why you ignore the red flags etc, its something I'm still working on but its the best road to go down.

You think the low contact from your part (in a way) is helping you to detach? What if she does go away and doesn't say a word to you anymore ... ? I just want to prevent that you don't keep expecting her to react to you constantly :)

Harm, I've parted ways with her several times even before I knew she was BPD when I didn't expect or need a response.  I'm not saying that was easy to do, but I've always been able to refrain from contacting her.  I should add that she is a very high functioning BPD and pretty good at hiding her emotional side.  I think she's got some deep hurts that even she isn't aware, but she has expressed an interest to get help.  I'm hoping to rely on that desire to get help if I can lead her in that direction before she leaves the state for grad school.  At that point, I'm operating under the assumption that we won't have contact anymore.  I also know that she's likely to continue contacting me as she has done with many of exes (since she has no boundaries).  That is the point at which I will choose to establish that boundary.  Sounds a like a great plan - convincing my heart is another matter.