BPDFamily.com

I run into this quite often.

My upBPDSO has repeatedly done things that she regrets, usually the regret registers the next day.

Sometimes, if not most, it involves nasty outbursts directed at her friends/family or me, mostly me.

Quite often she does not remember what she said or did, and i have reminded her about it the next day. I do this for selfish reasons, i want her to know how she acted and how she made me feel, because there are times she doesn't honestly remember.

When i tell her what happened she is very apologetic and feels bad, then in a matter of about an hour or so, lashes out at me for making her feel bad because i told her about what she did.

Recently she spent some of the money that was for a vacation, i told her that we might not be able to afford it now, she screamed at me because she really really needs a vacation and how could i be so rude to say this to her when i know how much she needs the vacation.

I guess my question really is, do i keep my mouth shut and just go along for the bumpy ride or is it worth me saying anything at all.

Upto this point i have told her what happened etc and it has always resulted in the same reaction.

I have been reading the Lessons and its been good, i have to re-read over and over again the boundaries section, this is my biggest downfall.

Thank you   

Alanon version is called "detach with love."

Don't worry about the love stuff to start with.  At least do not let it stop from the "detach" part.  Her stuff is Her Stuff.  That is why it is called Her Stuff. 

So when Her Stuff is toxic, vile, and/or destructive -- get You Away from Her Stuff.

When you get better and better at it, you can detach lovingly, as well.

Did you catch the Bear and Rabbit story on here, a couple of weeks ago?  If not, I will re-post it.

My close friend does that all the time... .  does or says things to me and then regrets it. She rarely apologizes but will do something to make up for it specially when I keep my silence about the incident or when she realizes that she did something or said something to start her own outburst. I used to bring it up but I find I don't have to because she takes a longer time getting over it.

I feel I have to watch what I do and what I say all the time because she is very observant. Every little thing is blown out of proportion. I'm a very patient person and I know how to deal with BPD more now but it is still hard to separate the nice, loving and person that I know to the mean spirited one that takes her place at any given time.

Thank you for your comments.

Somewhere, please post the story you were refering to.

Thank you

Just wanting her to "know the score" and remember the horrible things she said doesn't really help either of you. I'd suggest that you try to detach and let that go if you can.

I'd suggest that you try to get out of those raging situations as soon as possible before she says much that you might wonder if you should remind her of. If you leave before these things are said, you don't feel the hurt, and she doesn't have anything to apologize for. Win-win!

As for stuff like spending money intended for vacation... .  you do have to say something about that, but be careful on how you do it. There is lots of wonderful stuff in the lessons (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206) on this board. You can find them in a sticky post at the top of this board or in the right sidebar. Explaining that the money for the vacation is already gone (because she spent it) would be a good application for the communications technique S.E.T. There is a workshop about it in the Lessons.