BPDFamily.com

Ive often wondered why my ex, never really fancied men like brad pitt, justin timberlake. Yet she would always be attracted to men that, I guess are not so confidant, yet friendly. Like me for example. The looks of these people were quite inconsistant, yet the persona was normaly the same.

When my ex left me for someone i would class as a 'downgrade' I questioned myself, whats he got that I dont etc. That lead me to realising i was split black and he was being idolized. However I never understood why she was attracted to him.

Ive been reading a PDF 'I hate you-Dont leave me' (good read)

www.api.ning.com/files/MPEt*AnKhuc1nZqzw9LDI2FX*cYRmxwChWiG22twEbDjvriqzf-xzpENxGBHTNYKagsK0mMAifDo72mqPZTPE3p6teAt5-S2/IHateYouDontLeaveMe.pdf

In the relentless search for a structured role in life, the bor­

derline is typically attracted to—and attracts to her—others with

complementary personality traits.

This made me question, What do I, her current boyfriend and her other ex's have in comment that attracts her?

Well from what I know, none of us are overly succesfull with woman, all of us lack confidance, we are the typical normal nice guy who is stunned when the stunning lady(her) asks us out.

Now im not too bothered about why it is she is attracted to that type of person, ego boost? someone she can try and boss around? whatever.

what Im going to take from it, is that we, myself included had issues, mainly with confidance and self esteem.

Im going to work on that for myself, and also so i dont attract pwBPD.


Just thought id share incase anyone else is feeling how I was.

Hmm interesting question.

I think they date people who they suspect won't leave them or who will put up with their crazy behavior. But I think the reasons could be different. From my last BPD waif bf (who dates a LOT of girls), I notice these to be some of the "types" he goes for or stays with:

1. Less attractive/less confident/insecure girls

2. Girls who like to fix people and/or save the world. I guess nurturing/motherly types fall into this category, too.

3. Girls who are clingy and/or loyal to a fault

I think I fall into the second and third categories. He played on this aspect of my personality in the beginning and it made me fall for him pretty hard. He would come to me for soothing when he was stressed or sick (just verbally, though, as it was a LDR). He would even explicitly ask me if I was going to protect him. I think he sensed that about my personality by that point and he knew I would eat it up lol. I'm the loyal type, too, who fights for love, which I showed him when I stupidly flew out to see him after an argument that was really his fault (dumb move on my part, but it was an amazing trip nonetheless). As for the third category, I have seen how he plays on girls' insecurites. He tests to see how insecure they are at first. He will do this one thing where he will joke about adding your cute girlfriends on FB or ask if you have any hot friends. Based on a girl's reaction, he'll know how insecure she is. If they are, he will know he can get away with more crap and the push/pull stuff.

They really do have some sort of radar for these traits. It's so uncanny. I wonder if it's innate and instinctual or if they do it consciously. I know they do the "testing" but I wonder if that's done automatically or if they know they are doing it. Either way, it's fascinating, and also insane! lol

Btw, I think I would consider #2 as being a "complementary personality trait" to a BPD, whereas I'd consider #1 and #3 to be traits that they can use to manipulate/take advantage, but not necessarily "complementary personality traits".

It's hard for me to guess (with my ex) because I've never known anyone else he's dated.  I know he was interested in a couple girls after me, but that was because his best friend told him he should go for it.  I think I'm the right combination of pretty (superficially desirable), strong personality, with controlling issues/ rescuing tendencies, and insecurity.  My ex loves(d) to play victim so he attaches himself to people who will take care of him and that he can blame later on.  He's extremely passive.  My controlling tendencies allowed me to take him under my wing.  

I feel like if I hadn't been so insecure (anxiety issues) that I would have left my ex long ago or not gotten involved with him in the first place.  I could have communicated better and set up better boundaries.  I also accepted the blame he threw on me.  I regret that... .  

It certainly seems like the majority go for people with low self esteem, insecure highly empathetic people, this to them probably translates as 'he/she will think I'm the best thing to ever happen to then, they will never leave me as I'm gonna make then feel so good, they are also insecure so they will put up with the crap I give and I can manipulate them'

This is something I'm going to work on about myself.

There's quite a few pairings.

Some its a codependent person, some its more narcissistic, some people with BPD pick really dangerous people, some pick good people.

Working on what you brought it that you would like to change is an admirable quality Trevjim.  Maybe start a thread on Inventory.

Low self esteem high empathy big heart, I'm on that ship.

Her office mate told me I was simply too nice for her, I can't help but wonder if that's what she told him.

If it is, then she's even crazier than first thought.

She painted me black by painting me white? I assume not, that office mate just happened to know I was a great guy and took care of her and her daughter and said I was a better man and deserved way better.

A nice guy without a lot of confidence will put up with more... .