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Just wanted to hear what you all have to say about your BPD's friends.  :)uring my relationship with my ex BPD SO I remember thinking several times "She sure has some really crazy friends".  The ex BPD SO was 25, had one person she met from work and in 3 months was her 'best friend' of all, this new 'best friend' was 42 years old, going on about 15-she had had numerous affairs and bragged in front of me the only reason she stays with her husband was because of the money he makes.  Her other 'best friend' was a girl 28 years old, very attractive,  who had two kids by two different dads, who had also been married to the third husband twice now, and he is about 15 years older than her.  I remember thinking to myself that if she was anywhere close to normal that she wouldn't be choosing to have 'best friends' like that.  Anyway little did I know is that she was the craziest of them all.  My ex BPD SO did not have Any friends that had she had known for any length of time, ie like friends from college or her sorority.  I guess not having any long term real friends is part of BPD, I believe for the most part my ex BPD SO cannot be friends with someone they don't see regularly face to face and that many of the people that have been friends with her in the past at some point saw the Real person she tried desperately to hide.  I don't think that BPD women/men are capable of having normal long term friends , if they do manage to those people will be seriously suffering from their own major issues.  Thanks for the replies.  

I think they can, in their own way. Because for some reason they always act normal amongst 'some' people, and can do for years. And building 'real' friends can start from a later age.

Not everyone went to primary, secondary school, college, to a sorority and university with the same people for years. Some moved every 2/3 years without having the potential of building up anything significant until the last year of university for example. The unfortunate pain here is that if THAT person meets someone with BPD, and gets dumped. That person won't have any 'real' friends either...

I just posted about my ex and her friends in another thread but I'll repost some of it here.


This is exactly how my ex was.  We met when she was still in college and she had a small group of college friends that she was close with.  After college, most of her interactions with them involved her calling them up when she wanted to complain about me.  Eventually they started asking me how I put up with her, including her best friend.  They stopped inviting her out as much, and when they did invite her out, she would complain to me about the choices that they made as far as where to eat, what to do, etc.  She felt very high and mighty compared to them.

Next we'll move onto her co-workers.  She would see them every day so to her, they were great friends.  They were also all older than her, typically by at least 10 years.  I'm not sure what they thought about her but they rarely hung out outside of work, and any time she changed employers, she would more or less lose contact with them.

Lastly, there are the people that she would meet in her social groups.  She joined a lot of social groups because she couldn't stand having any free time that wasn't being taken up by some activity.  She would meet a lot of different people at these social groups, but for the most part, she would barely communicate with them outside of the social group.  Even people that she thought she got along great with would eventually be forgotten and never heard from again except for when they saw each other at the social groups.  The one exception to this was the guy she "fell in love with" and immediately broke up with me for after one event.

Nope, none.  And no family she's in touch with either.

She has one friend she has known for 8 years or so (she calls her her best friend).  Reality is that it's a girl she used to work with, but I don't think she was ever that close to when she was friends with her in real life.  When she moved out of that town 6 years ago, they stayed in touch via facebook etc, and they email a lot, so talk about stuff/life/relationships. But she doesn't see her much in real time - she went to her wedding a while back though.

Her only other friend is a similar situation - ex-work colleague.  She meets up with her from time to time when one of them "need" each other, and she calls her her best friend (same as case 1, above) but it's different from the way you or I would have proper, best friend relationships with somebody.

I've often wondered why this is, seems to fit with BPD.

She fell out with the two best friends she had when she was with me.  One she is now back in touch with, just via facebook though.

All our mutual friends have taken my side (I never once asked them too, I didn't think there were sides!) but maybe that's because I'm still here in this town and she moved away.  They don't like the way she treated me.  She often complains that none of them have bothered to stay in touch with her though.

Oh - and do any of you find that every new person they meet is the "new best friend" for a while?

Until they no longer need them/don't see them day to day etc... .  total idealization at first about how great this new person is... .  but then suddenly they're forgotten!

Haha, yes, now that you mentioned it, this is totally how my ex was as well.  We would meet new girls that she might click with and then she would immediately say that they could be best friends.  She would almost never make any effort to stay in touch with them though.  She even had delusions about how close she was with some of my female friends, saying things like, "I hope she invites me to her bachelorette party!" even if they never see each other outside of when I'm there.

The funny part to me is that even though mine only had two nutty "Best Friends" that she would even complain about them all the time to me.  haha  no telling what she was saying to them about me.  Its really nice to be able to compare notes with other people about this.

Comparing notes is definitely what makes this forum a great resource to me, especially since my ex was undiagnosed, so seeing how similar her behavior was to everyone else's pwBPD definitely helps.


Yeah, I know what you mean.  I was horrified at the beginning whenever my ex would complain about me to her friends because I didn't want anyone to think that I was this horrible person that she was describing.  Once they started asking me how I put up with her, I stopped caring what she said about me to them.

Thanks for all the replies.  Its is scary how much some of them are alike and the traits they share.  It wouldn't suprise me one bit to turn on the news one night and see mine on there in a breaking story of where someone was seriously injured by some guy she had on the hook.  My BPD SO made sure the last two guys she was intimately involved with for very long found out she was without someone else by actually meeting them at the door, without her saying anything about it to either of them.  Glad I'm out, its someone else's problem now., Hallelujah.

The effort is something which does strike to me, she didn't put effort into friendships or relationships when we were together. However considered it a friend. She neglected them, I remember her being called by a girl who wanted to be friends with her because that girl didnt know a lot of people. My ex ignored 8 out of 10 times but the moments she picked up, she was soo sweet. I guess when i would call her now, i'd be that 'friend' she has on backup

No, he didn't, I was his only friend. I always felt really sad for him when it came to friends.  I could see at times how he tried to reach out and make connections to other men, and create friendships, but he was so socially awkward that he just didn't understand how. If he wanted to create a friendship, which was a rare thing, he just didn't get the give a little, wait, take a little concept. It was the full blown BPD attention that he would use. He had very few interests as well, so no where to meet up and relate with other guys. His BPD has really destroyed his ability to live a life with joy and meaningful relationships.

That was the man I knew. He had another life though, one I knew nothing about, so maybe it was different in the other life, I just don't think so.

Mine could make friends easy, but would always fall out with them. She only really has 1 or 2 friends now, she has somehow alienated the others. I spoke to her ex best friend after we broke up, my ex told me a story as to why they had fallen out, the ex friend of hers, told me a differant one. Its obvious now my ex was just playing the victim

I'm curious as to how deep these friendships were that your ex made.  Would she actually develop these new friendships on her own outside of happening to be at the same place at the same time as these new friends?  My ex would pretty much never do things like ask new "friends" to hang out or even call them up and relied pretty much on regular or chance encounters to develop their relationship, but she would always say that she felt lonely and had no friends, which actually made me feel sad for her, and yet she wouldn't do anything to create lasting friendships.

My exwBPD had one "best friend" and a few other people she called "besties" which I saw mostly as acquaintances.   Her best friend had significant emotional problems too.  She was hospitalized twice in the 2+ years we were together, once for attempting suicide.  I always felt like my ex and this best friend were basically partners in misery together; often lamenting about how bad the world was to them.  Sad... .  

I don't think mine ever rang them to ask if they wanted to hang out or so something, it was always them ringing her up. She seemed to drift from friendship groups, her dance friends, then her friends from her school days, then her work colleagues etc. There was never much consistentcy in any area of her friends

Nope. My ex had zero friends. Morphed into my life completely

I thought it was because he was new to my city, but in 2 years honestly never took or made a phone call

Incredibly smart and quirky, so could get people's attention. But from what I have seen post-break-up, a pwBPD can only truly focus on the one they are sleeping with. Anything less than complete infatuation is boring. He was very social, but always with the end-goal of hooking up or finding new love. 'Friends' were a means to an end... .  to be used instead of enjoyed or valued. His FB page was full of IMs saying "where have you disappeared to?" so he seemed to neglect everyone.

And if the way he has treated me is a sample of what people get once their services are no longer required, I don't wonder why he is friendless

BB12

My ex had no real friends.  I agree with the poster who mentioned every new person becoming their "best" friend for a while. 

She would hang out with people, but when she'd come home she'd complain and talk badly about them.  Later, she'd blame me for "losing" several friends.  But she lost those "friends" because she was so wrapped up in me that she neglected and devalued them.  Anyway, it's my fault of course.

We haven't been together in almost 6 months and have been NC for almost 4.  I would sort of like to know if she's still as "close" to the new people she was idealizing as she was devaluing me.  I already know the answer, naturally, but I'm sure the details are good for a laugh.

I geuss since I worked with mine, in addition to staying with her all the time, I got to see how she idealized friends and basically BPD'd the people she wanted as friends at work.  I remember one instance where this one lady we had worked with for maybe a month and a half, she takes off on a trip to florida with her.  Then my ex BPD calls and texts complaining about how she had to drive her car and pay for gas, and all the other stuff haha.  She could really mistake how serious people or friendships were, like a little kid emotionally, its just sad someone could be soo intellectually smart and soo inmature emotionally and interpersonally. 

Wow, scary how this is similar to my ex. He basically shut out any life long friends he had that were decent people. The people he did keep in his life were total douche bags and were there to buy pills from when he needed them and relapsed. Of course, the few "friends" and family he did have, he completely trashed or gossiped about. Honestly, I'm not sure there's one person he knows that I didn't hear him bash behind their back. Gross. I can't imagine talking about my good friends like that.

Oh man.

My ex had TONS of friends. And she had TONS of 'best friends'. She would hang out with someone a few times and all of a sudden they were 'sisters'. She had so many relationships that were 'brother' or 'sister' relationships. I always thought that was so weird. I mean, OK. You can have some best friends that are like sisters or whatever. But, those relationships take time. Years. Decades. A best friend to me is someone who you are friends with for years and years. Who have been through some ___ with you. Who you have been through some ___ with them.

We talked about this once. She wanted to move cities to be with her. I was going to. I told her that I was worried because all my best friends were in my home town and that I was going to be sad to leave them and worried that it would take me a while to meet more. I told her I wasn't like her. She had tons and tons of friends whereas I tend to have 3-4 really close friends. She told me that she didn't like to have close friends because she was afraid that if she had close friends, they would find out who she was and would leave her. Yikes. Kind of heart breaking. Really. But also very enlightening. She was like a little kid who had been bullied in a school yard. Although, she also didn't realize that she herself was a bully. That her behavior DID drive people away. It drove me away. She was abusive with me. She was controlling. She was manipulative. She was hurtful. She was scary. And I guess deep down, she knew that. And so that is why she didn't have any real best friends. Just a ton of people that she would know.

Friends were a big issue between my BPDbf and I.

He didn't like any of my friends and he made is opinion known. He would make constant jabs at the fact I had friends and he really didn't. So many times I heard him say, "Ugh! You and all your friends!"

I've been in a few long term relationships and have dated many guys. None of them ever had an attitude or problem about my friends. Boy, did my exBPDbf! It was a constant sore spot in our relationship.

He had a few friends. Many came and went. I witnessed many people become buddy-buddy with him and then suddenly drop him like a hot potato. A guy he met back in 2011 who he has become great pals with, is the latest one to drop him this past Feb.

E (the exBPDbf) and I both belong to a hobby that has a large community throughout the U.S. We know many people in the South, Mid-west and Mid-Altantic area all involved in the hobby. I have met many former friends of his and they all say it got to be too much and they needed to distance themselves.

There are people with social anxiety, depression or other things... .  such as moving or life in general that have to start again with friends. I don't think we should be too judgmental here.

I personally have 1 best friend that I have been friends with for eight years. Another that's a two or three year friendship.

There are some old friends from school but they all moved really far away. People move on and change jobs, cities... .  things happen.

The rest of my friends aren't that close. I'm looking to find more close local friends. That takes at least a few months to build up. I know a lot of people but most of them live at least 3hrs away. I see them occasionally.

I think it's easy to get into the trap of thinking every human flaw, lack etc is "BPD" especially when angry with someone with BPD.

But i think this just adds to the stigma they have, making it harder to get them into therapy.

Sure, except that it's a disorder manifest in relationships (of all types), core features of which are the objectification of others, lack of empathy, lack of identity, black and white thinking, and extreme selfishness.

This is going to interfere with all human interactions other than the most transient and superficial.

No one is being judgemental here, we are describing our relationships with past BPD's and how they interacted with others.  If this causes you some undo distress then maybe this thread would not be the best way for you to spend your time. 

I definitely wouldn't judge anyone who has a hard time making friends, but I think that most of our exes were delusional as far as what constituted an actual friendship.  I think that someone with social anxiety isn't going to meet someone once and then instantly think that they're now best friends, which is what a lot of our exes did.

I think the reason there is a talking point here, is because it seems alot of peoples ex's here actually found it quite easy to make friends, so it was suprising when they didnt have alot, or have friends for long, or as some have said, had a new 'best' friend every so often.

Mine had some "normal" same-sex friends. But they wouldn't hang out often because the friends were busy. So to compensate my BPDSO had opposite-sex friends. Friends that wanted to be more than "just friends" and that's pretty much it. She doesn't want to put in the hard work at maintaining a normal friendship with someone of the same sex. It's much easier to have friends that "like" you because you don't have to really do anything to keep them around. All of her guy friends are such creeps. Her current emotional affair has a sense of entitlement, which is strange because he is really not too pleasant to look at.

Interesting you mention that Vatz.  Mine could never have enough male 'friends'.  She was always much more interested in having male 'friends' rather than real friends of the same sex as well.  The bad part is that she was a nurse, so there was never a lack of other women her same age that she could interact with, but besides the 'friends' she had per my previous post that never really happened. 

Yeah, my ex had very little problem talking to people when she wanted to and winning them over (at least initially) with her personality.  Anyone that she formed a connection with would become a new "best friend" but she wouldn't do anything to further the relationship unless she saw them on a regular basis, like at school or work.

My ex's close friends are all narcissists.    I think it has to do with his dad (who was a complete narcissist, married 4 times, etc. and abandoned his family).  He completely caters to them and mirrors them so that they take him under their wing.  He's such a weak person, he lets these guys do all the dirty work for him.  His best friend went around to many of our mutual friends telling them how horrible i was as a girlfriend and it was a good thing he dumped me (this was a complete shock to me, because I thought he was a good friend).  They helped him get his job, help him ask girls out, they all live together, etc. 

All of his friendships are completely unhealthy and codependent.  I'm sure they have their fun at my expense - especially because when we dated, they would all talk crap about other people.  Why did I ever think that I would be any different? 

Mine had no legit long-term friends. No one from childhood or grade school or community college or church. I chalked part of it up to her having just moved here. She cut off her "best friend" from the state she moved from b/c her best friend chose to circumcise HER own children. Her children. Her decision. My thought. My ex couldn't handle anyone even expressing an opposing political view on FB. She had to hide my brother's FB posts to keep from de-friending him. Little did I know or expect that I'd get on the same chopping block as the rest even after spending months with her... .  planning a family... .  practically adopting her baby daughter. Mostly we were extremely enmeshed, spending 4-5 nights a week hanging out, all weekend, either me and her, or me and her and her family. Very occasionally we would do something with her co-workers. Later I found out that they didn't consider themselves to be close to her at all, although she thought of them as "friends." There was a girl in our Sunday School class and her brother's gf (for a short time before they broke up)... .  But no. No real friends at all. I believe she is just THAT insecure and emotionally unstable and fearful of others' "finding her out." I kind of think of her as the kind of person you say "Bless your heart" to, and then get out of the way and include them in your general prayer for hurt people. No doubt that someone who caused so much suffering in us is also suffering themselves. Probably much more than we know.

My attraction was "the rescue." It was a familiar dynamic to me through my mom... .  also very temperamental, emotionally unstable, in poor-ish health. I felt compassion for my ex and still do today. The lack of friends is really just a reflection of her extreme insecurity and push/pull nature of her inner turmoil.

The question I've been able to answer and move away from is why I was involved EXTREMELY QUICKLY with someone who threw such a ridiculous amount of red flags at me. I can now say "Bless your heart" in her general direction and still enjoy my life. Understanding the dynamics of a tornado (pwBPD r/s) doesn't change the destructiveness of the tornado, but by understanding and accepting the nature of the tornado (and that it isn't personal), we can heed the warnings and take precautions for the future.

ScotisGone74,

I am not "distressed" I just think we should retract our claws a little here. I understand our pwBPD can be mean, confusing etc but we have to be careful not to fall into the trap of mirroring them.

Let's start again. You seem like a really nice guy just going through a difficult time. 

WT

You make some points I can really relate to! What blew my mind is he made such a fuss about not having friends, but now that he wants them----my god he makes them quickly, and with ease! He is super charming and replaced friends really quickly. It spins my head.

All this time I felt so sorry for him and his social disadvantage... .  

I had so much sympathy for his lack of friends, and really encouraged any friendships he had. Then when he was at a point where he didn't want to need me anymore... .  BANG in less than three weeks he has FIVE new friends.

They include him in his group and he even stays overnight with TWO of them. He got close so quickly.

I can make acquaintances really fast, am friendly, outgoing, but I've rarely been able to get that close so fast, even if I wanted to.

It's amazing. I'd take three months to be on "overnight" buddies, BBQ/ drinks out buddies with anyone.

I don't know how he does that.

How do they do that?

To my knowledge we are all "going through a tough time", which is why we are all here. 

We are discussing their friends, or on this thread usually the lack thereof, not mirroring them.   Bless your little heart also. 

Scott,

I'm attempting to be nice to you, despite you deciding to for whatever reason not be so friendly/dismissive to me.

I've read through a lot of your posts, and what you went through with your ex is horrific. I can see that it was really painful for you, and must still be going through a lot of hurt.

I don't know what else I can say, except try to be nice, as you said we are all going through a hard time here.

Thank you for your posts and insight. 

My ex also always complained about not having friends even though she always got along with people initially, and I also felt bad for her and encouraged her to make new friends.  She didn't actually become proper friends with anyone unless she saw them all the time, so it sounds like your ex took the "best friend" aspect to the extreme, and instead of a new romantic partner, he found new "best friends" to put his energy into.  I'm going to assume that much like how they managed to rope us in initially, they can turn on the same charm when they want to make new friends.  How does your ex do in the long-term friendship department?

WT and Findingmyself.

Mt Ex always would have a new best friend every 6 months or a year. Once they would see the real person, or disagreed with her. She would drop them like a hot potato. Then she would find a new best friend and spend every day either talking on the phone with them for hours, or doing social gatherings.

  A few years back. Her new best friend of 2 months son was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 8 years old. We attended gatherings and charitable events for her son to support them in their time of grief. My Ex actually sent an e-mail about what this couple was doing with all the money from these charitable events to her new best friend by mistake (it was meant to be sent to her sister). She panicked and told me what she had done. And my response was how could you do something like that. Its none of your business!

  My ex turned it around and actually got mad at her "best friend" for thinking the worst of her.

  Oh but she always had a comment about me having no friends. Actually the few friends I have had I have known since childhood, and for 10-15 years. They know me inside and out and I, like them would do just about anything if need be.

Long-term friendship? Well like me his long-term friends live in another city. I can't speak as the same thing happened to me.

He made some new friends a couple of years ago... .  hmmm. well so did I, again many people we met at certain events actually live out of town... .  

That's an genuine reason.

Besides that... .  I don't know... .  I really don't know. I'm in the same boat as him, except he is better at starting again.

I have excellent people skills, but just take months rather than weeks to get a person to be someone I can just call on my phone like a buddy you hang out with.

He can do that pretty much instantly, and they take to it really well. If I did that it would look clingy and odd.

He gets a pretty good reception, just ringing a guy up to hang out.

Small differences in delivery make all the difference.

I mentioned in two other posts another phenomena is he has no car--but gets lifts everywhere... .  

How does he do that?

aah good topic. my ex always complained about she never had friends. all the "friends" she made was the people she was either in school with or was working with. but no one she hung out with. and those people would be gone once she changed school or jobs. she has one friend though for past 16-17 years... .  but then both were together from junior high till the end of dental school. and once that ended she has barely seen her friend... .  maybe 1-2 times a year. i really never understood why she couldn't make friends since she seemed so charming.

now i am guessing to be good friends with someone, you need to open yourself up to them. and she cannot do that to anyone and show her pain or real side. and since she cant be close to anyone, she couldn't make friends. just my hypothesis.

Ah, ok, I was curious to see if his relationship with long-term friends changed without something like distance creating an artificial wedge.  My ex frequently started finding reasons to dislike her close friends when she wouldn't see them on a regular basis anymore.

I'm really curious about this too. A couple of good guy friends that moved far away... .  Oh yes! One of them that he was friends with for two years.

He had a "man" friendship with, and I challenged him (and this obviously upset him---but after years of being very nice, I have to have the occasional saying of hurtful truth)

and said that he wasn't honest with this friend. He knows the guy is slightly homophobic and anti-establishment kinda person.

So he doesn't tell him he has been bi-curious, or that he has had government jobs.

I said after two years that's the point where you be totally honest with someone. He considered that over-sharing, and guys don't need to know these things.

Not being a guy, I'm not familiar with your codes between friends. But I feel like he can make friends, but he doesn't show all sides of himself.

I guess we all do that, you have to trust people not to spread your personal information. (Not to say what I'm saying but add in a picture of his face, his name and obvious reference to him.

But there are many BPD men like him. Just see this forum!)

He has a point. If they can get along fine without it, why should he tell all his past?

I don't know. He has admitted that we'd most likely get along better if we didn't live together for so long. He gets engulfed and feels trapped.

I think anyone would eventually enrage him after a year or so of being too close.

But most of his friends are for doing things with, he does stay over their place etc but there's not all the d&ms or intimacy you would get with a girlfriend.

Not to mention I trigger him because I'm an over-sharer, and am really authentic and open with most people.

My attitude is that would weed out most people, but then the ones I'm left with are true friends that like me for me.

As a guy who is a non BPD my friends are people who I could tell anything about myself

to or call in the middle of the night for help if I needed it and know they would be there.  They aren't people that I currently work with or just met a couple of months ago.  These friends are people I know I can trust because I've spent time helping them through problems over the years and they have done the same for me.  I believe that those with BPD are really not capable of haivng true friends that they don't see everyday or that live long distances away because of their immature emotional state they "Live in the Moment" and are not able to readily "test" friends that they can not see on a daily basis.  I believe that mostly BPD's choose their 'friends' by what they both do in common, ie cheat on their husbands, flirt, those who talk about how bad their boss is, and of course anyone who is of the opposite sex that they believe can give them a supply of compliments and boost of self esteem. 

I heartily agree with that bit. His friends are all people he does certain hobbies with (nothing wrong with that that's mostly how I make friends too) but the difference is that he seems to easily make new ones, and there will always be an attractive female as a part of that group to boost him up.

They also seem to have cars, and he doesn't have a car, so they also seemed to be picked by both likeability and usefulness.

I am likeable to him, but currently not useful, and eventually irritating him because of this.

I have mostly friends from hobbies, and new friends that I can't call in the middle of the night. I'm trying to get those close friends, but it takes time. I have to start again, and I've been so busy it's hard.

The thing is I don't pick my friends on usefulness, just likeability.

If they are good looking and own a car-- it's a bonus :)---not something I'm trying to win over, and I think that distinguishes me from someone with BPD.

There are some things I also don't tell people when we first meet, but after two years if I didn't tell them by then... .  well they aren't really a good friend.

Jumping in a little late on this thread, but... .  

None. She's estranged from her entire extended family, including being banned from all weddings and funerals. Her brother is the only one she ever talks to. Friends? In real life - one that I know of from childhood (a guy) that she sees in person maybe once a year? I've never met him. Otherwise, in real life? Nada. And naturally, all of her family and former friends are "toxic and nuts". What she does is cultivate friends on-line, only a few of who she ever sees (and maybe once a year, at that).

One of the last things she said to me (as she was ejecting me for the 4th time) was how sad she was to be losing her best friend.

You don't say?   

My ex said the same thing to me as she was leaving me for another guy.   You and I should be giving each other whatever the opposite of a high five is.

Ha, mine said while crying that she just wanted her best friend back, while hiding some guy in her house. 

Yeah I never met one close friend and she had lived in that city for 20 years.  I had more friends living there for 4 years.  Not great friends like my best friends who live in different cities... but she didn't have friendships like the two I'm fortunate to have... they are like family. 

She said she wanted to be in the same league as my two closest friends are to me at one point.  I said well... that would take some time to see.  I met one in 89 and the other in 98, I think that kind of offended her.  Tough crap.  You don't become that level of friend unless you've been through some real intense stuff together and know you can depend on them and they you. 

I'm also really close with my sister and one of my cousins... i have some problems with my parents but I'm not alone in that either.   It seems as if she is the only one having the issues with her family that she has, her sisters don't seem to but I'm not close enough to make that call.