BPDFamily.com

I will come out and say I think I'm a good mom. Not perfect and I screw up at times, but especially now (in the 2 + years since I cut my mother off ) I am a pretty darn good mom. I think it's important to recognize when we do good  :)

But some days something happens (or doesn't happen) that brings me back to my childhood. Day in day out when I pay attention to my kids, don't scream at them, don't pinch or shake them, etc, I don't even think of my childhood. It's just a non issue. But sometimes a specific thing will happen that brings me back.

Today I told a friend I'd babysit her puppy for a few days. Her family is really sick and the puppy is work (aren't they all? :) ). Then I told my son. He was in tears about it. He is a really soft hearted dude and he didn't want a puppy to babysit because (according to him) he'd then be really sad and not want it to leave. I tried to talk him into it but then he started really crying so I said ok, I'll tell her we can't do it.

My friend saw him crying and she is a really sweet woman, she immediately said don't worry, it's ok and she was obviously really concerned for my poor son, rather than herself 

But afterward I found myself thinking how I had just turned down an adult for the needs of a child. That would never have happened when I was a child.

If today had happened when I was a child, first I would have been chastised for being selfish and not caring about the person who needed the babysitting. That would have happened in front of the other adult. But then, after the other person left, I would have been yelled at (or quietly whisper yelled at while being shaken in case anyone was around to hear) about how I embarrassed her. That was the cardinal sin in my mother's eyes and it was apparently something we did often. She had in her mind this Stepford child vision that we never lived up to and we were constantly "embarrassing" her.

But that was the main problem of my childhood. I never felt that I mattered. All of it - the physical abuse, the neglect, the yelling, etc - it all comes down to feeling like my mother didn't care about me and that's what hurts.

So I'm not always the perfect mom, but today I told a friend I'm sorry, I can't help you, all because my son needed me to put his needs first. He matters :) He's a very tender hearted boy and has a lot of anxiety issues but I hope at least he grows up knowing in his heart that his mother loves him and he matters   

You sound like a very good mom!

I am a good mother, too (despite the usual share of mistakes).  But my children have always come first.  My therapist says that sometimes we become the mother we needed.  I think there's a lot of truth in that for many of us.

Good job being a good mom.  |iiii. Your DS must feel heard and understood when you value his feelings that way...

Wishing you peace,

PF