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I am a high income individual in a high conflict divorce. My stbex has uBPD. She has been diagnosed with some type abandonment issue. Maybe the psych didn't want to say BPD. At any rate. She fired her attorney as the divorce date approached and hired a new one. A pit bull kind of guy know for trying to get big settlements. She quit work when we married about 20 months ago. She has high school education and I have a professional degree with a very high 6 figure income. She will say that I requested her to quit and tend to the home and kids. Her kids primarily as mine from a previous marriage were there much less. In addition, if I was working on a weekend and my kids were scheduled to be with us it was a tenuous situation. If I were on her good side things may be ok. If I were painted black she would say-good luck finding someone to watch your kids this weekend because im busy. This would leave me in a bind scrambling to get a sitter or asking my ex wife to change weekends. She won't be able to recall these details to well. It was her who wanted to quit work. She manipulated and guilted me into agreeing to it painting this wonderful picture of how great my life was going to be. She has only a high school education and had a decent job before we married. We did not acquire that much marital property and I understand that will have to be worked out. Just curious if anyone in my situation has had to pay alimony and how that worked out for them. What did the settlement look like? My attorney seems to think it will be short term and rehabilitative. I doubt he has ever met a manipulator like her.

You were married a relatively short time. My husband was married for 8 years to his BPDex-wife and he paid alimony for 1 year and took on all the marital debt. 

Do you know the laws in your state? Some states are very specific  - "half the time you were married" or "not applicable until after the length of the marriage reaches a certain timeframe". Some states don't have specific guidelines at all. I think it's smart to research it yourself even though your lawyer seems to be on top of it.

Attorney's usually encourage negotiations instead of an all out battle. Is there an amount/timeframe that you would consider? Or are you adamant not to pay at all?  I think 20 months is not really long enough to warrant alimony; but sometimes throwing money at the problem rather then at the lawyer to prove that it's not long enough will cost you less in the long run.

What is she proposing as far as alimony? 

Dream girl. She so far is talking about a year. She wants to go to school and is suggesting that I pay for that too. She wants upwards of 3 grand per month. That figure is climbing the more angry she gets. I am willing to pay but Im just curious what others have had to do. She has me so nervous Im afraid I will just get killed. My state alimony is up to the discretion of the judge. So that can make a difference. This woman has made my life a wreck. Now I get to pay for it.

You might be better off just offering her a one-time settlement amount that is classified as "alimony."  That way, it's done and over, and you don't have to think about it every month for as long as the judge orders it paid.

I'd say that you wouldn't/shouldn't have to expect much in terms of alimony for a short marriage, but other members on this board have proved that wrong.

Tax tip:  If any payments are classified as "alimony", then it should be deducted from your taxable income amount and she will have to report it as income when she files her taxes.  That's how it worked for me.  (No, it is NOT your responsibility to do her taxes!  Just make sure your paperwork correctly identifies your payments as alimony!)

Her asking for job training or education is probably unrealistic but if you do end up paying for it, try to avoid pitfalls of getting stuck with her consequences.  For example, what if she fails the courses?  Do you pay for more?  What if it takes her longer to finsiher her courses?  Do you keep paying until she eventually/maybe finishes?  What if she actually does finish and never gets a job?  Are you stuck paying?  Is it better to separate out educational money, if any is agreed to, or lump it in?  What if... .  you get the idea.  Anticipate surprises.  Protect yourself very, very carefully.  Keep your long term obligations to a minimum.

Asking for a huge amount of money for a marriage that is less than 2 years is not right but no one will stop her from making demands, least of all her attorney and not if you have *money*.  (She may be messed up but she's not that dumb.)  It's up to you and your lawyer to make your stand somewhere reasonable, balanced between "ridiculous" and "prolonged pain of added court time and legal fees".  Your lawyer should have an idea of what is seen as reasonable by the court.  (No, you're not obligated to care for or pay for her children.  Those are another man's responsibility, it's called "child support".)

If the case gets delayed (you can't prevent all delays, you can only hope not to 'trigger' her into more delays) then you have to consider the added legal fees, hers too if you end up paying some of her legal fees.

Another factor to conside is whether you're paying her spousal support now while the case is ongoing.  Savings by holding out for less $$$ in the final payment may be eaten up by the costs of supporting her while she delays the case for additional months.  In that respect, there's no downside in her view to delaying as long as she can.

In my case, we settled and I paid alimony for 1/6 the length of the marriage.  Usually alimony is capped at no more than half the marriage and in many states well below that, so mine turned out to be short term pain.  Strangely, mine wasn't based on the pre-filing marriage length, my lawyers used the marriage + divorce process time when making their calculations.  (We had the typical custody issues and my case lasted nearly two years, so that added 4 months to my alimony payments.)  I don't know whether that was court policy or what the lawyers agreed upon.

Wow forever dad. It seems intuitively unfair that delays caused by her could add to the length of the marriage and by default to my length of alimony. It seems that there are some general rules and they favor the less educated lower income(and lower income potential) party. Im not sure I understand that. Are courts able to accurately detect "gold diggers"? I would guess that may depend on the individual court and judge. I just know that when dealing with her and her genius at manipulation that I am concerned. I am just hopeful courts and judges are not as easily duped as I was. She left her last husband in part because she wanted a more visible and affluent lifestyle. She left him and took nothing. No alimony(they were both working and not nearly the salary disparity between she and I). No child support as she just let him off the hook with that. So by default I have supported her children. She still has no child support from him but wants alimony from me which by default will help support her children. She took no furniture. No accessories, etc. She wants all the above from me. When I met her she had nothing in the way of furnishings. She just wanted away from him and to move on. She says I promised to take care of her and also gave her money while we dated. So she wants her support to include those 2-3 years as well. Your take on the education part is helpful. I had considered-what if she quit, failed, etc. Certainly needs spelled out. Gagrl-a one time thing would be nice. I want away, not tied for some prolinged period while she is out with every tom, dick, and harry.

I was married longer, paid less, make a lot too... suspect there is no way to know how it will turn out till you are done.  My wife quit her job 2 weeks after we had a kid... made 70k... didn't even discuss it with me... wanted about $6000 a month originally... .  which was based on the state guideline... and I had lost my job... but the state said the guideline was based on last two years... not current income. Wife was not BPD... my GF that I stupidly got a divorce for was BPD... and pushed hard... and inflamed the situation.

I strongly recommend the "No BS divorce guide"... you can find it on internet... it was by a guy in Florida that had everything imaginable thrown at him in his divorce, by what sounded like a BPD gal... and his advice... which in my case made a huge difference... I was able to get my wife to shift from screwing me over (as her goal)... to us trying to make some kind of fair settlement... .  the strategy was in the book. Wouldn't normally recommend a book on divorce... but if you are a guy facing a vindictive woman in court... .  could be the best money you ever spend.

Charred. Do you know the authors name? I'm not sure how to buy the darned thing. Her interrogatories ask me to produce checking account registers. Credit card statements. She will find me ordering the book and get it herself!

www.greatdivorceadvice.com/NewCopy2.htm

Matt O'Connell

I would buy a visa/mastercard gift card somewhere like target for cash... then you can use it anywhere... online too.  I eventually bought a tracphone so I could make calls that didn't show up on phone bill since wife got it before I did.

Why in the heck do we have to think like this? It's nuts. I'm separated but still looking over my shoulder. Even if trying to buy a dang book!

You can try testing the "Fairer sex" idea, and leave it to your soon to be ex. I was very worried my wife would find out I bought the book... and getting free with my travel schedule at the time to see an attorney was a nightmare... .  the book has a lot of good info... including advice on getting a cellphone and buying things like books on divorce.

I don't envy anyone getting a divorce, its similar to a ride in a meat grinder.

Divorcing someone with BPD... .  wish you luck, lots of it.

If you have family you can stay with during it all... it helps, my sister made all the difference.

Charred. Im not so sure I get comfort from your wishing me lots of luck comment. But hey. Since i've been with her i've not had lots of luck.

I am sorry...

When an r/s is all wrong, and many are, a divorce can be the best thing for all involved. I am thankful I didn't marry my pwBPD... .  I can't begin to express how thankful ( she was like Jodi Arias... scary) ... .  and I am sorry you are in a spot with your pwBPD, and having to divorce.

I really do wish you luck... hope your soon to be ex has a period of clarity and reasonableness, and you are able to reach an equitable agreement and move on.