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i've been wondering how their attempts to improve as a person works.

my ex was big on reading eckhart tolle and would preach things and post them as status messages on facebook and seemed like she genuinely wanted to be a better person.

but at times i feel like she would read and implement something for a day or maybe even just a couple hours and then would forget about it.

i'm just trying to figure out what their process to improve themselves looks like, and can it really not be done without a therapist?

In my dBPDh's case, it's a never ending roller coaster. One minute he has major plans, the other it's another plan or everything is cancelled.

The "treatment" is allot of therapy, some medications to try and stabilize their moods.

What they can do to help themselves can be a wide variety of things, some things can be like going for a walk every day or joining a craft class, it can be following the teachings of a mentor, it can be anything that makes them feel better.

It may last a few hours, days or weeks, but enjoy the benefits while it last.

In my marriage every improvement was based around the choice of doing right instead of doing wrong.  You could call it spiritual or you could call it ethics.  Remember, Marsha Lineham who developed DBT was a severe borderline who only survived and recovered because she had a religious experience that allowed her to choose a moral path. 

This is a really lovely piece written by a recovered borderline who discovered through therapy that her pain and dysfunction stemmed from these beliefs, and that only when she overcame them, was she able to heal.

“I am completely helpless and have no control at all over what I feel or how I react to things. Therefore, the world must always change to suit me, and not the other way around”

“It is other people’s responsibility to regulate my emotions for me. They should do this on request and if they fail to do this, they are bad for not giving me what I need.”

“I am OWED something from other people because I have a hard life. My needs are more important than anyone else’s because of my hard life, and I am entitled to mistreat others without the natural resulting consequences because I am ill, was abused, etc. Others are required to not only endure this poor treatment, but are also required to be endlessly compassionate and supportive in response. If they do not do this, they are horrible people.”

“Everyone at all times (including strangers) should always be thinking about my needs, what I am going through, and how they can do what is sensitive and kind to me.”

” I have the right punish someone when they do something I don’t like, because they should know that the purpose of their existence is to make me happy, be sure to not offend me, abandon me, etc.”

“I am allowed to treat people with disrespect and a lack of empathy for their own experience as long as I feel they are bad people and deserve it. They, however, are not ever allowed to disrespect me in any way even if disrespect wasn’t intended, but I just feel like it was.”

“If anyone ever disagrees with my perception of the world they are ‘invalidating’ me. Therefore, they must always agree that I am right whenever I make an accusation, even when they truly don’t think I am”

Well, it took my husband around 4 months to actually see any difference in him once he started getting treatment. In fact he was worse most of the time after therapy. He is still someone who needs to be avoided until he can process his therapy sessions. I have seen my husband trying the skills they teach him and I think the biggest help is that he can contact his therapist when he is in crisis mode. This makes him step away from me and stop attacking me. He takes more breaks than he used to. His rages are shorter and fewer and further between too. He does still have Borderline Behavior and he still drives me insane sometimes but he's getting better. I'm a strong believer in Baby Steps and that's exactly what he is doing. He's taking it one day a time. It's awesome :)