BPDFamily.com

     I'm 65. Just two years ago I diagnosed my parents and younger brother. I realized that they had BPD. My dad passed away Jan 2012 at the age of 94. The last conversation we had, he was his usual nasty and abusive self. He was always pushing me away. My mother (89) and younger brother (62) have BPD. They don't have as severe a case as my dad did. They just refuse to connect with other people, to let other people "in." Having a conversation with them, for example, is impossible, because when you have a conversation you are  connecting with the other person.

    My childhood and young adulthood were terrible. I didn't believe anyone actually took an interest in others. I didn't believe that people actually helped each other.

    I struggled through all the misperceptions of the world around me almost on my own. I mean, who would help me? Finally, in my 40's I realized that professional help was possible. I overcame my problems, but it took me until 2 years ago to diagnose my family's problem, BPD. My therapist and I just couldn't see the "pattern" of their symptoms. It wasn't until I learned about BPD that we realized that was their problem. I guess it took so long because I never really had it. More than anything else I just needed someone to talk to.

Hi gloveman,

*welcome*

I was really moved by your post. It's a bittersweet experience to finally put a name to it, isn't it? Does it bring you some peace? When I realized that my brother, father, grandmother had BPD (w/NPD traits) traits, it was both a relief and a heartbreaker.

How wonderful that you found counseling and could work through many of the sadnesses of growing up in a BPD family. Did you have anyone in your life as a child that you could turn to?

I admire the fact that you were able to solve the puzzle on your own. It shows such a commitment to understanding your family or origin so you can really heal.

Glad you found the site. This is a special place for people healing from BPD relationships, and I hope you find lots of support here. Members here are so caring, and truly understand what it's like.

Keep posting! It does help.



LnL

I am very analytical, so finally putting a name on it was both a pat on the back for my analytical ability and part of the cure.

There is an old saying “…looking at the world through rose colored glasses.” I amazed my therapist with my own variation, “…looking at the world through a pair of glasses with the wrong prescription,” that is what I was doing, and that is what all people with mental problems do. Again, yes, once I put a name on it I started to rapidly recover and day by day improve my view of the world by getting better and better glasses.

Wearing the wrong glasses distorts the world around you. That is what people with mental problem do, their assumptions of how the world works are wrong and, therefore, distorts their worldview.

So what was different about me was that, at an early age I realized that it was the family around me that was wearing the wrong glasses not me. That knowledge made it possible for me to realize that if I concentrated real hard I could see right through those glasses and see the world as it is, but I didn’t know how to get the correct prescription.

As a child, I didn’t have anyone around me to support me. The reason was simple. My parents were so viscous with their derogatory, nasty, abusive comments about everybody, relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, rabbis, coaches, everyone got torn down so thoroughly and completely that I didn’t believe there was anyone to turn to. I, also, worked in the family business, so that made it possible for my dad and younger brother to, how can I say it, keep scratching my glasses.

As an adult I had unconditional support from my wife and children. To this day my two oldest sons still can’t believe how bad the environment I grew up in was.

Their unconditional support made it possible for me to recover as much as I could on my own and then, realize, that professional therapists would also give me unconditional support.

So here I am. Wearing contact lenses with the right prescription.

Hi gloveman and welcome! 

It must have been incredible when you learned about BPD. Your analogy of "wearing contact lenses with the right prescription" is a good way to put it. It sounds like finding out about BPD answered many questions about your parents'  and brother's behavior. Now that you have a good understanding of what you've been through, you can focus on healing and strengthening yourself.

I'm glad that you've had support from your wife and children. That's wonderful.  :)

How are your relationships with your mother and brother now?

livednlearned is right--there are many of us here who can relate to what you've been through. On this board, we all have relatives with BPD (my mother has it) and there are some good tools and support here for you as you continue on this journey. Please feel free to jump into the conversations here.

-GG

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, as you know very well! Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0) board are experienced with and can help you with encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support can really provide you with strength on your journey.

Hope to see you over there!



LnL