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- break-up on the 2nd of january, last mails, texts and phone call on the 9th of january

- then one month of total NC

- she broke NC on the 9th of february, trying to recycle, apologizing and saying she had changed (!). I mailed back 2 or 3 times making things clear that it was over and too late, that I was already on my way to heal, and that I would stay in the NC for my own sanity, and I wished her all the best

- she continued mailing and texting, but I never replied anymore.

- then she has stopped contacting me for 15 days now

My concern is : my birthday is coming and I'm pretty sure she will try to mail or text on that day. I'd like to stay in the NC, cuz I'm quite ok in it. BUT... .  since I'm somebody polite, i'd like to reply "thank you" in case she texts for that day. Then I'd continue my NC as I am doing now.

Could this "thank you" be considered as LC ? Would it mean more than a simple "thank you" in her BPD mind ?

I really don't want to break NC, but I can't be that impolite to keep silent to a birthday wish... .  :/ Do you think it risky ?

I think you'd be ok to reply 'thank you'.  Now if you replied, thank you, I miss you, let's do lunch, then you've got a recycle.  She might ping you a couple times after the thank you but if you keep it light, like you are talking to your aunt, it will fizzle back out.

I see... .  Thank you for the insight. I really don't want to break the NC I'm in for the moment, cuz I know this is the only way for me to turn the page completely and to move forward. Actually I'd feel relieved if she didn't text to me at all on that day, but I doubt it. So I'd better be prepared. I don't hate her, I have forgiven all that could be, I rather feel pity for her. So I'll reply this "thank you" in case she texts, hoping she won't misinterpret it, but only take it as it is "in my nonBPD world".

I know it's hard to receive contact.  You are a bit stronger now to handle it.  Stay light, no questions, no getting drawn in and she will quickly lose the chase.  |iiii  You can always turn the phone off, too.  That takes all the pressure away.

yes... .  actually since we broke up I never let my phone ring anymore. It scares me :) So I keep it on but always in silent mode. This way I can look at it several times a day, but its bell never kills my stomach anymore. 

NC means NC. If she breaks NC on an important event like your birthday, and you respond in any way, shape or form to it, then I think you're sending the message that she still has the power to pull you in and important events are the best time to shake things up. Instead, your complete silence will let her know you meant what you said. I think this is worth repeating:

"I really don't want to break the NC I'm in for the moment, cuz I know this is the only way for me to turn the page completely and to move forward."

Stay grounded.

P.S. She should already know you're a nice, polite person (and she used that to take advantage of you during the relationship, right?) so no need for you to worry about following the rules of etiquette here. Save it for those who truly appreciate that quality in you and don't use it against you.

Sometimes it's healthier to face our fears.  If you're not ready, you're not ready and that's ok.  Sometimes when we have a bit of getting stronger it feels good to face a fear and conquer it.  Ya know?

right


I think it's more about being true to myself. I wouldn't feel well with myself if I didn't say at least "thank you" to this kinda message, from whoever it comes. But I read you, and I will think about this deeper.

I was walking on eggshells during the r/s and I'm still after it ended ! That's so crazy !

When I arrived on this website I read the threads about the tools (SET... .  etc.), but when I think about this, these tools equal walking on eggshells too finally, no ? Not walking on eggshells would be acting normally with a person, saying what you want to say, the way you want to say it. As soon as you use a "tool" then, for me, it's not natural and it equals walking on eggshells. All this needs so much control in everything we say or do, that's so tiring... .  I will never allow myself to go there anymore.

yes, not ready for the phone's bell yet. I was addicted to it when it announced beautiful things, then I got scared by it when it announced only awful things and threats. So till futher notice I keep it silent and my stomach thanks me a lot for this :)

If you say "thank you," what will you say to the text that she send after that?  Because... .  she WILL send another text after you say "thank you."

turtle

I hear you, some things are like Pavlov's dogs, we hear a bell and instead of salivating, we think 'oh no'.

I used the tools on the staying board to avoid walking on eggshells.  It wasn't so much about control and egg shells, it was realizing I was never going to get that duck to bark.  It was, if he gets upset, okey dokie, his deal.  I didn't feel the need to fix it or make everything all better for him.

The thing about breaking contact when you've stated that you are No Contact, is that it sends mixed messages.

Many of the pwBPD in our lives stuggle with boundaries (and frankly, so do we,) so to announce that you are No Contact and then take it back just for your birthday is a mixed message.

turtle

I'd say nothing at all. Just like I've been doing for weeks.

Then my vote is to skip the "thank you."  It's just a confusing response to the gf and really... .  not very considerate-- if you really don't ever want to speak to her again.

turtle

It makes sense, turtle. I understand and agree with what you say.

Everything, even the simplest thing, is always a mess

Sadly... .  this is true.  Even the very simplest of things becomes so complicated.

I am also a VERY polite person and the idea of not responding to a simple Happy Birthday is contrary to my value system.  However... .  to do so creates or prolongs something that is soo unhealthy!

I will need to read, and re-read, and re-read this post next week

Obligation is the O in FOG. You truly don't owe her anything, not even a Thank You. I understand it's very hard to let go of the thinking that you're obligated to respond in kind to nice gestures because what follows when we don't is the feeling of guilt (the G in FOG). However, when it comes to BPD relationships, only 1/2 the partnership (the non-BPD person) is aware of thinking/feeling those things. The other 1/2 (the BPD person) is ensuring the FOG stays thick and heavy because it works for them. The non-BPD stays involved/attached/working at the relationship while the BPD person goes along their merry way not having to put much effort in at all. Why would they need to? Someone else is doing it for them. NC is not only healthy and good for your healing, it can be the proverbial wake-up call she needs that others will not tolerate poor treatment from her. She either gets the message and works on herself or continues having dysfunctional relationships. Her choice. Your continued NC allows her to be clear of the FOG, so hopefully she can choose to heal, too.

I hear you. I thank (here I can, right ?  ) each of you for your insights. I really appreciate the help that is given here. I will surely come back to this thread next week to read you all again. I don't know where I'd be today without this website.

You're welcome, IOIK! It's easier to see the big picture when it's someone else's life. It's not so easy when you're in the thick of things. I hope you spend more time thinking about how you're going to enjoy your birthday and less time thinking about what to do in case your ex decides to break NC. The beauty of making NC your boundary is that you don't have to do anything, you just keep doing what you've been doing. Focus on you and the healthy relationships you have.

Gonna try my best  |iiii