BPDFamily.com

My dBPDgf has been sick, and I've been tending to her as best I can this week, cleaning and watching the kids, took monday off work to let her rest.  At the same time our baby has an inner ear infection and is miserable.  He wants held all the time and is coming in and out of fevers.  He just wants to lay on your chest half of the time and whimper.  And all week I've been getting texts about how much of a burden he's been because she's sick.  I've allowed it to run off my back, but after coming home to give her a break everyday, taking the day off, staying up until midnight or later doing chores and so forth, it was wearing.  Then, our son had a fever of 101 and I was going to take him to Urgent Care, she asked me to take her youngest as well, as he may have the Bronchitis that has been working its way through the family.  I took him and they were closed, randomly.  When I got back, she started telling me I hurt her feelings because as we were leaving she was coughing really hard and said she had to put her head between her knees.  I told her that I was sorry I didn't notice and that I was very focused on getting them to the doctor.  But she kept on it, and kept trying to make me feel guiltier, so I started getting upset and a bit defensive, and it started blowing up, so I walked away.  I came back and apologized for being upset and again for not paying attention.  She gave about 10 minutes of anxiety and it was over.  Later, she went into a tirade about how she feels like she will never be anything and nothing will ever be happy and how she feels like she's just trying to make it through the days, and every time I tried to give her some sort of positive solution, or say we could try to figure something out, she just bit at it and snapped at me.  All this time I'm signing off on the relationship in my head, as usual, I will admit, but I'm trying to talk to her about it, but I'm also mourning inside about dealing with this for the rest of my life. I end up going to bed at about 2 o'clock, after I have to make a run to the store, finish up some laundry and take a shower.

Cut to this morning, as usual, I get up with my son, as we share the same room and I attend to him every night so she can sleep with her insomnia.  I go down stairs at 7:15 and wake her up (I am supposed to be into work at 8) and tell her its 7:15.  I get some tea together for her to help her wake up/help with her cough, and I change my sons diaper.  He's very clingy.  At about 7:45 she's still laying down in bed and I start to feed our son, who only drinks a little and is finally ok enough to walk around and play a little.  Finally, she gets up at about 5 'til 8.  She is still in bed when I say "I have to go, I'm five minutes late."  As I'm putting my coat and shoes on, she comes out of her room.  Her sons go out for the bus, and I tell her that he's been getting and losing his fever, and she asked why I wasn't taking him to the doctor, I said that I would tonight, but forgot I needed to take her sons to meet their dad.  She starts a conversation about how I told her I was taking him to the doctor last night and I say "I can't miss anymore work" and she just yells "I know that, (NAME)!"  I just stopped dead and said "I don't know why I just got yelled at." and walked out the door, twenty minutes late.

She called me an hour or so later at work, and apologizes for yelling, but say I was talking to her like she was an idiot, and that she knows that I can't miss anymore work, but then later says she didn't know I could miss anymore work, and it just ends up this convoluted conversation that aggrivates me because I'm at work while its happening, and finally, I lose it.  I tell her I'm sick of it, she's the most impossible woman ever, I want to leave, I'm sick of doing everything for her and slipping up once and getting a two hour guilt trip about it, I'm sick of her treating me and her kids like a burden, I want to leave, I can't stand being around her, the last two years have been a waste, and more.  I say it all could have been avoided if she would have just accepted my apology and let it go.  "I'm sorry, it was a miscommunication and I forgot I had to take the boys to their dads." "O, thats ok, well we'll have to figure out how to get him in."  then I said "Or you could have just said, well, I'll take him in." to which she said "I'm supposed to take him to the doctor when I'm sick?"  "YES, thats what you do when you have a child.  Their needs are higher than yours.  I would take him every time, but its three or four hours to take him, and I've been a half hour late almost everyday because you won't get out of bed (other than when she's sick) and I come home for an hour to help you when you're not even sick, and I take off so you can rest, and etc."  and she says "You just take him to appointments every once in a while, I'm here all day... .  " and I hung up on her.

Her last text message, about an hour and a half later was "I'll look for a shelter or someplace we can live.  I'll pack this weekend."  My gut response is "Everything there is yours, and I don't need that space.  I'll leave and go to my parents, and pay the rent for the rest of the lease."

And I broke down for a couple minutes at work.  Regained myself.

What do I do... .  I want to leave, but I'm scared, both about leaving and being alone, I suppose, and also that I'm in the wrong and have been doing everything wrong. She is honestly one of my first long term real relationships, and I've thought a lot that maybe I just am misunderstanding normal relationship problems, or being too sensitive.  I really don't know.  I don't even remember what I was like in this relationship before all her issues surfaced.

Really confused... .  excited... .  scared... .  worried... .  everything, really... .    

dunno what is really there for you?

Suppose helping take of the kids is both kind and right.

Does the ex/dad help cover that, as well?

Really confused... .  excited... .  scared... .  worried... .  everything, really... .  


My dear, looks like your heart and brain is telling you to take a certain direction in your life.  You are just the lion that is trying to find the courage you used to have.

And grief... .  and mourning... .  because it is after all not only a relationship that is dying, but also a dream with it.  It is a very powerful dream based on hope--the dream of being loved and loving and having a happy stable family and a happy stable relationship.

Any change ushers in fear.  Even if the change is a happy one.  Fear is a natural response to change.

Yet, fear should not stop you from doing the right thing... .  the right thing for you and above all, the right thing for your son.

My immediate advice to you is not to engage negatively with her at all.  You need time and energy to have a quiet dialogue with your spirit.  This will help you reach clearly at a decision.

There are effective tools and advice available for those who decide to stay and for those who decide not to and for those who are parenting with one spouse with BPD and for those who are going through legal issues with their BPD others.  For anyone and everyone, there is a shoe that fits.

Take deep breaths.  I am a Fitness and Yoga instructor (in addition to boot camp--just boasting!)as a hobbyist.  You will be surprised how much the brain clears when the body is awashed in oxygen.

Please read, read and read all the different boards on this site and also check out the tools and strategies section.

More immediately, start taking better care of yourself--exercise, meditation, friends... .  

Somewhere:

In the relationship, in all honesty there is very little aside from memories of the last two years some small connections, and a larger ones built on my own mirroring issues.  I am concerned about her children as she has been unemployed for 10 years as aSAHM.  She has said many times that she doesn't think she is able to work and parent.  I'm quite certain me leaving will lead quickly to another relationship, one I'm sure will be unstable.

Pallavirajsinghani:

I think your discription of my struggle is quite fitting, and yes, this site has given me much encouragement,  I have avoided contact and thought thouroughly about this.  And I still feel leaving as my answer.  I am trying to force myself to realize she willl try to reensnare me.  I have come to some plans.  Our son is sick and will eventually need tubes in his ears.  My goal is to try and cohabitate until he is through this and better.  So much insability at this point is not good for him and his health, though if the situation gets hostile it may be the only thing to do.  And I am planning to leave her and her kids in the house we currently live in and move into my parents, with our son in tow, if at all possible.  I am hoping to stay courageous enough to do this.

You seem to do a lot of apologizing even though you are being run ragged looking after your family.

Are you actually sorry?  :)o you think your gf thinks you are sorry?

Often we non's apologize to keep the peace, even when we know we've done nothing wrong.  Do you have a better alternative Tuum?

Hey Pins, I asked a question first!   lol.

Yes we do apologize, but stopping apologizing for something we aren't or shouldn't be sorry for is one if the first things we nons need to do to start healing ourselves.  It's interesting to note that the apologies don't really seem to keep the peace anyway. I think it's because even though our pwBPD are mentally ill, they know a fake apology when they hear one.

So since my first questions were somewhat rhetorical - ie Wingless isn't really sorry given his gfs  unreasonable expectations - I will ask a follow up question.


Instead of apologizing, how else could we respond ? 

I would like to hear your suggestions. 

Wingless,

It sounds like you are at a crossroads.  Change is always a little scary, but I know if you choose to leave, you will be okay.  From what you say, it sounds like you are very clear about what you want to do when you are removed from your home environment, but it gets more confusing when you are with your gf.  Regardless of your decision, you have people on these boards who support you, and wish you all the best.

As far as an update, we're still together.  I told her I was leaving and we've had a bit of a difficult weekend.  I was being very hard about it, and she was melting down.  I had my defenses up and wasn't being overly accepting.  I told her counseling for both of us, together and individually was something we needed.  She contacted a friend who had been going through marriage counseling to find out who they went to. 

We're going to keep going, I suppose.  I have some hope in it, but I don't know how much I'm kidding myself.  We're going to attempt to take better care of ourselves and share more.  She is taking steps to improve the things I need her to improve, and she has in the past made steps to get better on her own, I've just chosen to over look them, I suppose. 

So another round where we are both trying harder is where we stand.

I really don't know what to do that isn't apologizing.  I suppose the SET technique would be a good idea, I just have a lot of difficulty with it.  I don't even really know how its done. 

I'm trying not to paint her black myself and realize that she's a person, not a disorder.  Hopefully that will take us somewhere better.

Winglessfallen,

This is the answer I was looking for.  No, it isnt easy.  It gets better with practice.  Its not something you use every time your pwBPD says something you disagree with - sometimes silence is fine. 

But since you aren't apparently using it all, give it a try.  Focus on the "E" first - Empathy - you are just acknowledging how your pwBPD is feeling - its the E-asiest.  For example... .  


S. "I want to help you feel better."  E. "I can see that you are very sick." "When I am busy with the kids or work, I am not always going to be able to help you right away."

Again, focus on the "E" - just acknowledge the feeling - at first.  You actually have to want to provide he "S", and once you start looking after yourself that desire will wane a bit.  Be prepared to do further validation when you are subject to objections to your "T".  ie "I can see you are frustrated when I can't respond to you immediately."

Heres some help with Communication using validation.  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) and S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict)

That is a very helpful explanation.  I suppose my problem was always the truth.  It seems pretty simple, though.  I think my bigger struggle is admitting the truth to myself.  I really CAN'T help her every second of the day.  I'm not failing as a partner if I admit that she just needs to do something things for herself.

I suppose I just forget that princes, knight and princesses are fairy tale fodder and less grounded in reality.

Thank you for the resources as well, I will read them when I get a chance.