BPDFamily.com

I spent the better part of today "talking" with my pwBPD.  I tried to validate - listen and then I tried to do what he wanted.  I decided to instill a boundary at the office.  I tried to let him have a voice which he told me he hasn't had.  It was awful.  He could not hear anything but the voices in his head.

He dysregulated into a horrible place.  He told me how he was going to commit suicide.  He told me that I disappointed him more than anyone has ever disappointed him. He left.

I should not have pushed him today. I should not have tried to talk to him.

I should have given him space to work through things. 

I don't know why I think I can fix someone who is mentally ill.  I don't know why I pushed so hard today.  I should have given him space.

Who is picking up the work when he gets dysregulated? Is there somebody else at work you can trust to help you manage him and help pick up his slack? You have worked with him enough to know this is going to be an ongoing problem. How can you manage that problem better? If he threatens to commit suicide I would call 911. Even if he has never actually attempted it you never know. It might shock him into getting help when the police and ambulance arrives. You should definitely not be trying to fix his mental illness.

What is your boundary at the office? Something like coming to meetings on time and contributing in a civilized manner? What is the consequence if he is late or yells at people?

What is the behavior you expect from him? What is the consequence if he doesn't live up to it?

He left right when I posted earlier.  Then he came back within 30 minutes and told me that I needed to tell him how I am going to fix this.  I told him I needed space and time to think.  He told me that he found a new office.  I did not respond.  He went into his office and had a panic attack.  I ignored it.

He left again.

You are absolutely right.  This is going to be an ongoing problem.  The last time it was this bad was 2 years ago.  I tried to give him the validation he wanted earlier.  It completely unhinged him.  His therapist told him last Friday that he was doing so well that he did not need to see him for a month. 

Everyone at work is trying to pick up the slack to get projects done.  I have not shared this burden with anyone.  I have been trying to protect everyone. 

The boundary I tried to impose today was for him to listen to me explain the status of a project.  He was unable to do that.  The consequence is that the project doesn't get done.  He blames me for that.  I know in my head that I am doing my best.

I don't know how much more I can take.  I am tired, overwhelmed, exhaused, drained and stressed beyond belief. 

  You seem to get stuck holding all the pieces together while he runs away.  :'(

I can understand what a frustrating and sad place you must be in right now.

I am in a sad place.  I am trying to hold it all together.  I feel like I could break into a million pieces this week.

I decided to work late since he left around 4:30.

He came back.  I do not understand this disorder.

He has painted me completely black.  He hates me right now.  I can feel it with every breath he takes.

You said that he found a new office - is this a good thing?

Don't beat yourself up over what you should or shouldn't have done. You did your best. You can't be responsible for his dysregulating - that isn't fair to either of you. You're trying to run a business, this isn't just about a personal relationship, there are other people who are directly affected and so the situation is a lot more complicated than just 'not pushing' or 'giving space'. I second OTH's comments re calling 911. It sounds like he needs professional intervention right now and that may be the only way to get it. Safety (including his!) should be everyone's first concern.

So he isn't reliable and his mental health is very poor right now. What sort of planning can you do for your business, assuming that he can't participate? Have you considered giving your employees a little more information so that perhaps you can get some relief and understanding there? (No idea if that's even an option, but maybe it's something to consider!)

Hang in there - you've made it this far - it's going to be all right!

CWF--would it help to think through how you'd handle this if this were your ekmployee or business partner with whom you did NOT have a personal r/s acting this way? And then do that? That could function as a boundary.

This has got to be agonizing if you have no way to exit, & because of the business, you can't exit. That means he has to, it seems to me.

It sounds really really hard right now.   

CWF... .  I so relate... .    I work with my ex... .  very on/off again ex... .   

But one that I am pretty certain I would not be involved with any more if we did not work in close proximity... .     it's impossible for me to escape him... .  

I dont know your story but just know what it feels like to feel like there is no escape... .  

We tried to talk last night.  Actually, he wanted to talk and I just listened.  He has exhausted himself out.  He apologized.  He said he understands how out of control he was.  He wants to start fresh. 

He did not get a new office.  He makes all the threats but he doesn't want to go.  He has these outbursts and then regrets them. He is planning on apologizing to the employees. 

Arabella is right, his mental health is very poor right now.

I am trying to figure out what to do.  I am numb.  There is no escape.  There is no option of NC or LC.   I have to make things work.  Our jobs depend on it. 

As strong as I thought I was, I feel shattered into a million pieces.  He wants us to put this week behind us. 

I have no one to talk to in real life.  I have to put on a happy brave face.  I did not want to get out of bed this morning.  I want to sleep this all away but I can't even sleep.

Thanks for listening. 

CWF -- I hope you don't mind if I push you on this a little bit.  Like I said above, if he were not your partner in life, but just your business partner or an employee, I can't imagine you would have the feeling that there was nothing you could do about this.  You would take whatever steps needed to be taken to protect your business from this person's mental instability, right?

What if you take those steps?  I understand the implications for him are significant and that doing so is a much bigger deal because you are partners and lovers in life.  But it is completely understandable and comprehensible -- it should be even to him -- that you can't allow what happened at work the past two days to repeat itself.  And it's more thn that, right?  Not just that he behaved that way at the office but that he is not delivering what he needs to deliver to complete projects, which is going to damage  your business because there are things he does that  you cannot do yourself.

What I'm recommending is a major step, but your posts reflect real anguish and a major step seems justified.

Can you consider taking steps to end his involvement in the business?  And make his cooperation with that a condition of your continued involvement with him personally?

There was be someone at work you can let in on what is going on also. It might feel like a betrayal but it sounds like you need help managing the business also. Give that some thought.

I honestly don't know where to turn or what to do. 

He is severely dysregulation.  I am black and he can't stop lashing out at me. 

As far as he is concerned, everything between us is nothing. 

His mental condition is at the lowest point I have seen in years.  It has happened so fast. 

He is twisting and turning everything I say into the ultimate and complete betrayal of him.

He is incapable of accepting love.  I fool myself into thinking that he can think clearly and rationally.

I fool myself into believing everything he says.  He can not love me.  I can not count on him. 

I keep trying to make an abnormal situation normal.  Time passes and I think things are "better" that we understand each other.

He is mentally ill.  I have to repeat that to myself each and every day.  I can not let myself forget that. 

I did forget that - I let my guard slip.  I thought we were making progress.

I am experiencing the exact same thing

Except your work situation sounds even more insurmountable... .  

I so feel for you.

My therapist has had to make me tell myself many times that I am NOT trapped... .  even though it really does feel that way to me and I am sure to you.

I don't have as much insight as many here but I know it helps me to know someone else truly understands.  Just try to remain calm thru it... .  

Such a.struggle I know

We are all here to talk to... .  

Thank you Take - I do feel trapped with no way to escape.

i feel like I am losing my mind.  We own this business.  We have employees who depend on their jobs.

I am trapped.

CWF - I wanted to pipe up to second some of the thoughts offered by patientandclear. I know you feel trapped. I know it looks impossible. Being under the amount of stress and pressure that you are would be overwhelming and exhausting. I don't know if it were me that I'd be able to function well enough to even go to work. You're braver than you think!

Similar to what patientandclear said: what would you do if this were simply a business partner, no strings attached? Or, maybe more to the point, what would you do if it weren't a mental illness - what if it were a physical illness? What would you do if he was, heaven forbid, hit by a bus one day and hospitalized for 6 months? No, really. Just because it's a mental illness doesn't mean it doesn't count. You must have a plan in place for if something ever happened to one of you, right? I mean, the business couldn't just dissolve because one of you had to leave... .  

You need some space. The business is, as you say, trapping you in. Something needs to give - you can't continue like this. 

Hi again CWF!  First, huge hug.  This is SO hard, especially because it is dashing those sneaking hopes that things were improving.

I feel like a broken record but what happens if you answer this one question :

"If he were some random other employee or business co-owner, what would I do now?"

If you just make yourself think that through, it doesn't mean you need to take those steps, but you may see that they exist, you know?  And that you are not completely without options.  The question then is whether you are at a point where you want to take them.  But seeing that there ARE options is the first part of that process.

Thanks P&C - you are not a broken record.  That exact question rings in my head nonstop - what am I going to do?

This is the first business I have owned.   I have been an employee my whole life.  This business has consumed me for the past 4 years. 

I feel like I can't breathe right now - much less figure out my life.  I really appreciate your support.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  It is hard to be surrounded in my real life by people who do not understand this disorder.

Would you like some help stepping through what you might be able to do about the business situation?  Feel free to ignore!

Generically, if this were an employee, I would tell the employee he was on leave due to serious performance issues (with or without pay depending on the normal way you deal with illness -- do you have paid sick leave?) and needed not to come to the office until the issues were resolved.  If the issues were due to illness (mental or physical) he is protected by all kinds of legal frameworks so you don't want to frame the issue in terms of illness, but in terms of performance.  But once it becomes clear the issue is a health one, you can ask for a medical provider certification that he is able to function appropriately in his job as a condition of returning; and you can insist on telling the provider your side of the story about the behavior & the demands of the workplace.

Since he is a co-owner (right) it's more complicated.  Do you own this privately?  Is it a corporation with a board?  Can you go to board?

If there's no board, you could consult a lawyer about how to separate a co-owner from the business temporarily or permanently due to incapacity.  There are undoubtedly ways to do that.  It sounds to me like you are at that point.  It probably feels like that would threaten your personal r/s but frankly, it might be the only way to save your personal r/s, and maybe you can explain it to him in those terms in a DEARMAN format at some point.  To save what is good between you personally, you have to end the business relationship because you cannot just step away from that when things are non-viable.

Does any of that begin to show a path forward to make your work situation viable?  He CANNOT remain involved there, it seems to me, without really compromising your emotional and mental health, not to mention your livelihood.

Nobody is ever trapped. We become trapped by our own short sighted thinking. If this isn't working out so be it. It isn't the end of the world. It will be disruptive if it ends but life goes on. People are more adaptive then you give them credit for. They depend on you less than you think. You aren't taking care of your needs any better than he is. Time to make better decisions?

OTH and P&C - I appreciate your comments.  I may be thinking in a short sighted manner but I do not know how I am going to unravel this business.  I do not know how I am going to work through the logistics of this.

I have spent years of my life building a business for myself and my employees.  We have worked hard to build a reputation and do quality work. 

I know I need to think this through.  If my pwBPD had cancer or a broken leg, I could talk rationally and reasonably about the direction of the business.  Every thing I say gets twisted and distorted. There is nothing rational or reasonable about this disorder.

You are right.  I am not taking care of my needs and it is time for better decisions.  I am tired, overwhelmed and broken right now.

It is a bad place to be. I can see you are struggling. How can you lighten your burden? What are your options? Closing the business? Hiring or promoting someone to a management position and taking some time off? Sending someone to shadow his work? Cutting him out completely until he gets through some sort of treatment program? List out some options and start thinking them through. There is probably no perfect way but take the best path. You need some space from him to clear your own head. Take this into consideration.

Good luck,

OTH

  So sorry to hear that things are falling apart for you here. 

It sounds like any steps you take to unravel the business with your partner will take some time to work out, and you've got some good support here on that front. Here's another idea that might help your sanity in the short term:

If you live with him at home as well as working with him, can you simply find another place to stay? A good friend with a couch for a week?

If you are already living separately, never mind... .  

We have seperate homes and I am thankful for that each day. 

Yesterday, I decided to work since I feel so behind and unproductive.  He also came in to get some things done.  He kept trying to engage me in conversation by saying things to push my buttons.  Nasty, hurtful things and I did my best to ignore and not let them rattle me.

As I was getting ready to leave, he apologized and said that he needed to get the bad stuff out of his head and it will be gone tomorrow.  I said I hoped so and that I hoped he has a good night.  He started to talk about our future expansion plans and said that we needed to getting moving forward on things this week.

We can barely get everything done right now and he wants to keep moving forward. 

I do not want to close the business.  In spite of the horrible things he has said, we are good at what we do.  We have hardworking loyal employees.  We have a good work ethic and strong reputation.  I can not take any time off.  I do need space from him but we have to clear the backlog of work before I can schedule some time.

He has been in therapy for years and ironically, his therapist gave him "time off" for good behavior.  I think that triggered him.  I do need to lighten my burden and changes have to be made. 

Hey cf  ,

You said:

He has been in therapy for years and ironically, his therapist gave him "time off" for good behavior.  I think that triggered him.

You got it honey.  I was going to suggest this as I was reading, but you figured it out yourself.  He feels abandoned by his therapist and all he! is breaking loose.  He may not be able to wait the month that the therapist has given him until their next appt.  It looks like he is heading for inpt before that month is up.  Is he in contact with his therapist?  If he is sharing how distressed he is with his therapist, his therapist should be offering to see him immediately or if he unavailable, he should be going over the safety plan they created for just such situations. 

If it was me, I think I would contact the therapist and report what has been happening.  He needs to know that his patient is decompensating and it might help you to not feel alone in this.He can take your information, but he will not be able to share information if there is not a consent to release info.

Also, if your bf owns part of the business, I would consult a corporate attorney to see how you can get him to take a mandatory leave, like p & c was suggesting.  Your bf is that proverbial BPD who is flailing in the water and instead of wanting to be saved, he is pulling you and the business down with him.  You have to get a handle on this b/c this is your survival over his.  You will be doing these things, not only for yourself and your employees, but for him as well.  As a partner of a BPD, we are kind of like their surrogate parent.  You are not doing him any favors by letting him do this with no consequences.  What would you do if it your teenage son storming around the house slamming doors and yelling? 

I don't think I can contact his therapist.  Although we are involved, I am really nothing to him in the medical world. 

Although I had hoped for a quiet day, he does not want that at all. 

I am going to keep my head down and try to work.

You absolutely can call his therapist, and it is strongly advised if he is threatening suicide.  If you were even just a concerned friend, you could call his therapist and report information about his mental state.  The therapist will probably appreciate the info, especially if you let him know that you know he can't give you information, but you just want to give him information b/c you are concerned for your loved one.

You are something to him in the medical world.  You are his SO and business partner.

What is keeping you stuck?

Hi Cowrokerfriend,

First, I'm sorry you have had a such a rough stretch the past few days.  I've been in the trenches and it's terrible.  As you go through this, try to keep some perspective.  

You are changing the dynamic of the relationship.  The old way wasn't working for you, it was slowly destroying you.  The old way worked just fine for him.  He vented everything onto you, you took it, he felt better and apologized, and then did the same thing next week, and the next, and the next, etc.    

By introducing some boundaries and working on detachment, you have changed the old way.  Predictably, he doesn't like it.  Now, more than ever, you need to remain strong and keep taking time outs and working around, rather than engaging, his dysregulation.  Have you read about extinction bursts?  Is that maybe what's happening?

When I would not fight with him, he is using emotion now

Sorry. He walked in. He is trying to now play on my emotions.  I will not fight so know he wants me to know that I broke his heart.  I have disappointed him deeper than anyone ever has.  He thought I was different and better.  He thought I understood him.

He wants me to write down how I feel. 

I am tired.  I am overwhelmed. 

So today is over.  He tried to fight. I did not engage.

He tried to engage me in talking about I broke his heart.  I did not engage.

He told me I care more about money than I care about him.  He tried all day to get my attention.

I tried hard to work.  I did not know what else to do. 

It sounds like you did good in not engaging... .  !

I actually do think you are trapped, in a way, if you have already decided to love him unconditionally.  Since you are in the "staying and improving a relationship" section of this board, you have made it clear that you want resolution and help, and that you won't give up.

You are trapped until you find a way to love him and yourself and your business simultaneously.  This is very tricky and may seem nearly impossible right now.  You guys are going to have to sit down and come up with a plan that meets both of your needs.  You may need to do this in a therapist's office, or with a friend present, so you don't spin off into an argument when you fight for your needs and rights. 

The problem with most BPD's is their inconsistency.  You need ground rules, a plan, and a back-up plan.  And you need it soon, for your business!

Don't give up.  Fight for your dreams!  You chose this.  You signed up for this knowing it would be hard, because you know you are strong and capable.  Suffering and tribulation isn't always a bad thing when we rise to meet the challenges.  He prunes you and you grow!  He forces you to be at your best.  Now is your time to grow.

In love and light 

Thanks Take2 - it did not feel good but it felt necessary.

Beachtalks - you have summarized exactly where my head is at. I do not want to give up.  I want resolution.  I have accepted that he has a mental illness.  He can not have a "normal" relationship.  I do not have any delusions of thinking I can fix it, stop him when he is dysregulated. He will never be able to provide me with the support I had hoped for.

Everything I say gets twisted and distorted. My thoughts and my feelings do not matter.  I need think we both need ground rules and a plan.  I have given quite a bit of thought to having a third party involved in helping.  I do not know if that is possible.  No one, and I am coming to believe that even means his therapist, have any idea of the depths of this.  He is charming, smart and knows how to turn things around in every conversation.

I am sick at the thought of him coming into work today.  He keeps laying out enough rope to let me hang myself.  He wants to fight - he wants me to respond in some way.  He is struggling with my detachment.

I just wish I knew what is next.  I hate looking over my shoulder. 

I have a strong feeling you work with plenty of people who know. Is giving up control of the situation a big concern for you? Could this be how things have gone this far?

  I hate so much that I understand so well... .    I literally have to look over my shoulder at work... .  because soo many times he has been there, sitting in one of the chairs watching what I'm doing - to try and catch me doing something he can rage on my about... .    truly truly disturbing... .     

Two ideas for you to help you set some boundaries:

#1: You don't have to fight, you don't have to engage.

#2: You don't have to agree when he "twists things around" or "turns things around".

Just say that you don't feel that way and that you won't engage in a fight over it, then change the subject, shut up, or step away.

And one other passing thought: No, he doesn't like your detachment. He is used to dumping his negative emotions on YOU so he doesn't have to deal with them. Even though it is actually better for him to find ways to self-sooth, the old way "works for him"

Did someone already point to the Workshop/Lesson on extinction bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0)? It sounds like that may be what is going on.