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My dBPDh and I are trying to work things out. He's completely dysregulated atm and some days are better/worse than others. There's not much I can do for his moods but being preoccupied seems to help him calm down and the more 'good' days (or hours) he has the better he gets. This makes sense to me. Plus, I would much rather deal with a semi-okay husband than an angry withdrawn one. Go figure. He's also on a bit of a rant about how we don't have anything to do together, we don't have fun anymore, etc. So... .  I would really like some suggestions for activities we can do together. We often have free time either in the afternoons or evenings and I'd like to make this time as mentally healthy as possible for both of us. We used to hang out and talk, or read together, or take walks, etc. - all of that stuff is out - talking (even just chit chat) stresses him out, he can't concentrate enough to read right now, going for a walk involves talking. He gets stressed very easily these days so we need things to do that won't be frustrating or complicated. They don't have to be 'dates' or really 'fun' - just things we can do together. We also need activities that can be done with someone you don't necessarily like very much. lol

I'll start a list, feel free to add to it (you can add things that don't necessarily meet my criteria - others will probably appreciate the tips!)

- watching a movie (at home or at the theatre)

- playing two-person video game

- cooking meals together

- taking a tour of a local museum/gallery

- grocery shopping (this can get stressful though)

- going out for dinner someplace that is either: loud, buffet style, or requires continuous ordering (like all-you-can-eat or tapas or shared dish type places) - this ensures talk is minimized or is focused on the food (safe topic!)

- going to a fitness class - have to be careful here that it's not too competitive or too difficult/frustrating

As you can see, I need some new ideas!

Home improvement project? Like paint a room or something. I don't do a lot of fun things, can you tell?  :)

haha - daze, I actually think that's a great suggestion! There'd be a sense of accomplishment too! Does this make me even less fun?  :)

Of course, I happen to be living in a very nicely decorated rental. Figures.  lol

Maybe try something that involves others.  In a way that he can either engage, or hold back.

For me we do a lot of kid stuff and this goes well.  A point of focus and we don't have to spend the whole time interacting with each other.  So 'borrow' a kid from someone and take them to the childrens museum or fly kites (ok, well the weather might not be there for that)

Go out with some other couples.  (does he struggle to engage with just anyone?)


It's a good pursuit.  You have to start building some positive history together of some kind.

|iiii

yeeter - yes, the building of positive history is exactly what I'm hoping for! Plus, it's not going to improve anyone's mood to sit around the house being bored and angry.

I think the kid suggestion is terrific. It's not for us, just due to specific circumstances, but I think it would be a really good idea for a lot of people! I wonder if I could find a dog to borrow... .  

We do go out with other couples, and that's usually good. Of course, that involves a ridiculous amount of planning for our friends. It strikes me that people these days are just way too 'busy' with stuff. And we all work too much. No wonder we're all stressed out! As for my BPDh, he's okay for short bouts of socializing, but he gets stressed meeting new people or if we're out for too long. So, for example, we went to a friend's house for a little potluck thing last week - he was happy to go, but after a few hours he was jumpy and stressed so we left early (which was fine). I think it was good, now I just have to find more parties to crash! lol

Maybe do a puzzle together (if that's not too frustrating)?  My uBPDbf finds doing puzzles very therapeutic.

To involve "others," how about volunteering to walk dogs or play with cats at an animal shelter?

A puzzle! I like that! I don't think it's too frustrating, obviously it would depend on the individuals, but I think it would be good for us. And it's non-competitive, so I think that's good too (games can get tense).

I have discovered that volunteering with popular groups (e.g. animal shelters) is a crazy long process. It's probably different depending on your locale so definitely something to look into for anyone else reading. In my area it requires the submission of a lot of paperwork (applications, statement of interest, etc) as well as a police background check (which the volunteer has to pay for), plus multiple training sessions on a very strict schedule (that my BPDh can't make due to work) - it's nuts! I mean, I get that they want to ensure the animals are safe, but wow, I had no idea it would be so difficult to volunteer to walk dogs! The process, if you make it through, takes 3-4 months or longer.

I have friends that go to open euchre at a local bar once a week & trivia at another place on another night of the week. They say the appetizers & drinks are on sale & they are nice groups of people.  I'm looking to play some darts & I also love taking my dog to the dog park in nicer weather.  I know what you mean, though. It's important to do fun things sometimes!

Just because he is ranting about that doesn't mean that it is true, or that it is your job to fix it :)


You really did ask for ideas, and any good ones will improve your life, so here goes:

Hmm... .  if no home improvement projects, how about making/building something smaller and not nailed down to your apartment together?

Maybe something to make that you could give away to friends? Home-made baked or canned goods?

Do either you or he like tools or crafts?

You know, this is a good point. Although I will admit that we have become a little boring. The routine of life, it kind of sneaks up and makes you dull if you don't make an effort to outsmart the tedium.  :)  On the other hand, half the reason we don't do fun things is because he refuses to do anything lately. The weather was amazing today so I suggested a short walk. Response? An annoyed, "I don't want to walk." Umm, okay then. So I went by myself.

Hmm... .  make something... .  yes. I like all kinds of things - baking, crafting, painting, etc. He doesn't seem to get much enjoyment out of that stuff. He used to do some woodworking and he likes to tinker. I kind of got the impression that he liked those things because he could do them alone. lol  Did you have something in mind when you suggested the "tools or crafts"? For some reason my creative brain has been totally stalled lately. (Stress maybe?)

Hm... .  Is there a piece of furniture that needs repair, refinishing, or repurposing? I keep thinking of projects because there are so many sitting around my house.   :)

H and I had a really lovely day yesterday doing work in my yard and garage. Enjoyed each others company and the results of our work.

I wasn't thinking of something specific. Just that making or fixing something can be fun. I will admit that often they are hard jobs to share. I'm a tool-using guy and make/build lots of stuff, but I figured that my latest project (sailmaking) wasn't likely to have all too wide an audience. The next thing that I want to do which comes to my mind is illuminated sculpture, although that really isn't much of a joint project at all for me. If you had asked several months ago, Christmas lends itself to that--cooking, decorating, making gifts, etc.

Glad you took a walk when he didn't want to--I guess the main lesson is to find things you want to do... .  and invite him along.

Do things apart or alone too. I think having separate interests and activities does strengthen a relationship. (Uh-oh, I need to work on my own end of that!)

Cuz when he's in a rotten place, he's probably not gonna want to do much with you.