BPDFamily.com

My BPD ex has been in a relationship for about 2 years now. They got engaged in the fall. They have been in the idealization phase and everything is fantastic... .  They are getting ready to buy a house and move in together. When I moved in with my ex that is when everything fell apart. His BPD became apparent, although I didn't know what it was until several years later.

I have been over the relationship for a long time now, and don't think I would have had any feelings about my ex getting married to someone else... .  but he is marrying someone I know. It is one of my neighbors. I see her from time to time and have such a hard time talking to her. I know what the poor woman is in for. The part that really kills me is that she has a little girl from a previous relationship. I didn't have kids with my ex because I didn't want to bring them into an abusive relationship. It isn't my place to tell her about his BPD... .  so I don't say anything but I feel an intense guilt about it. How do you let go of something like that?

Horrible situation!

This is not your fault.  And I honestly think that no matter WHAT you said, she wouldn't listen.

I heard through the rumour mill (from a friend of a friend) "Stay away from X, she has issues" and I chose not to believe it.  I didn't want to see it.  And nor will she.

If your ex had a history of domestic violence or sexual abuse then I know I'd have to say something... .  but anything else and I feel she really wouldn't listen.

All you can do is spot the signs, and be available if she wants to talk.

There was never any physical abuse. He did smash things when he was raging. Emotional abuse was a daily occurrence. The only other thing that concerns me was one time that he left his computer screen on with a short story he was reading up on the screen. It was from a porn site, and the story was about a man having sex with his daughter. He said it was the first time he ever read something like that and it was just a curiosity but I have always been uneasy about it.

That is HORRIBLE!  Oh God. Do you have any friends in common?

I wish I knew what to advise... .  I am at a loss here.

Would you fear any reprisal if you spoke to this lady at all?

We have multiple friends in common. Several of them witnessed an incident where my ex got in a fight with some teenage kids over littering and the police had to be called. Another time we were out with friends and got something to eat from a food stand. They got the order wrong and that set him off... .  he was screaming at the workers about their incompetence. So they are not totally unaware of the situation.