BPDFamily.com

I need a reality check. Is it normal in a healthy relationship to constantly say you love someone over and over again?  I've been with my BPDw soo long I can't honestly say that I know anymore. I mean I'm emotionally drained and most days lately I can't honestly answer the question I have to lie/half truth her just to avoid her falling apart on me. If I approached her honestly and replied with "I don't know?" I'm fairly certain id have a 4alarm fire to put out.

I don't think I can spend the rest of my existance being another adults caregiver... .  its slowly wearing away my soul. I'm trying to move towards an exit stratagy but I keep second guessing my resolve.

I feel like I'm going crazy after she has weeks of desent behavior with minor outbursts. I feel like a bad guy for wanting off this ride, is that normal?

Hi saitek... .  it sounds like she needs constant affirmation of your feelings in an attempt to ease her fears... .  this must be particularly exhausting for you especially as you are already feeling worn out supporting her emotionally... .  and at the same time questioning your own feeliings.

In these relationships we can become conditioned to take on far too much responsibility for our partners erratic and needy feelings... .  

So she is constantly asking the question "do you love me?"... .  or insisting "tell me you love me"... .  ?

How are these conversations playing out?... .  "validation" can be really helpful communication tool in these situations... .  have you had a chance to read the workshops on this?... .  


Wanting to look after yourself is perfectly normal and healthy, it seems you are conflicted between doing this... .  and the... .  Fear, Obligation, and Guilt... .  (FOG) of being there for her... .  

you are not alone, mine is the same way, its constant re assurance, and it does get tiring. I feel like I have to say *I love you* at the end of every phone conversation, but that is really not me, and Itold him this and now I don't say it all the time.  I need to be me, and not a robot.

And as Newton said, don't let FOG get in the way, and I know this, and its hard to stay out of the FOG!

Mine was the same, every evening I had to tell her I love her, and if I didn't, and we said good night, she told me, isn't there something you forgot to tell me? 

Few weeks later she wished me gone from her life  lol

We need to step out of this rescuing role saitek - it is actually not helping you or her.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

Yep... .  mine was the same - I love you after every phonecall, text, said to me constantly. I would say it's no exaggeration for her to have told me (and me to tell her back) about 20 times a day, perhaps even more.

Of course, she still loved me when she was dumping me and never spoke to me again.

Que sera hey!

i remember my ex saying that it was possible to be in love with 2 people at once... .  (this is when i was her affair)

i also remember her telling me she loved me the same day as telling her other ex she loved him... .  ( i had to endure another ex-bf after she left me for a year)

and yes, she would tell me i love you pretty often.  sometimes i was annoying sometimes it was awkward (how do you say i love you after you just broke up with me to try to get back together with an ex, spent a few days with him, broke up with him, then came back to me... .  )


funny

Same with me.  After awhile, I felt like the conversation was incomplete unless I said back "love you" before I got off the call or left for work etc.  But I didn't really mean it as much because it had lost its meaning. The constant insecurity can make us say things or do things more out of the routine rather than what we truly believe or feel.

Ok peew so im not crazy or a btch husband. :)

I've read and researched about validation and that's fine and well however I think the issue is I'm getting tired of doing it all together and somedays it feels like the only thing keeping me here is our D and the desire to avoid conflict and emotions.

Thanks guys for the responses!

Problem is by complying you reinforce the need.

At the end of the day you are enabling neediness, which disables your partner from functioning without their neediness being constantly met.

Neediness is another form of obsession, you will never fulfill it and you can drain all your patience and resolve by trying, which leads to severe resentment for not being allowed to be you.

Validation and constant pandering to neediness are not the same thing, though it is easy to blur the lines if you haven't overcome the old bogey of Fear, Obligation & Guilt.

Look into the lessons of using SET. SET is about paying attention to what they say, showing what you think they mean or want, then the truth as you see it. Problem is most of us chicken out when it comes to the truth bit, and simply roll over and do what is expected just to keep the peace. If saying "I love you" at the end of every conversation is simply not the way you communicate, then say so. It doesn't mean you dont feel that way, but simply that to do so is making you act in a way that is not the real you, and takes away the real meaning of it.

I constantly said "I love you" but I always had to be the one to say it first.  Some nights before going to bed i would purposly not say it to see if she would ever say it first - if I didn't say it she would get upset - but she would never say it first.  At least after the marriage stage.  The only two times she told it to me first in 19 years of marriage that I can recall are both times I was discussing divorce.  But I was always expected to say it.

Yes mine said it all the time, then we broke up and he hasn't said it since.

My H does this. It has gotten quite annoying and it's mostly thru text. Asking if I love him or miss him. It would be different if he just said 'I love you'. But the fact that he asks really grinds my gears lol

i remember spending a night out with my ex and then when we both get to our respective homes, we'll talk on the phone before sleeping and she would say she missed me. i would say we just spent all that time together how do you miss me already.

or after we went our ways, even 5 minutes later she'd say she missed me.

or even as we were about to have sex, i remember on one occasion as we were kissing she said 'just be with me, i miss you'

i guess its really a moment by moment life for them

Yep- 18 years of marriage with my BPD wife and every single phone conversation ended "Love You".  I agree with the comment about if this is what you choose to do,  and are comfortable with it, than great- If not then you need to address this.

After a major blow up a couple months ago,  I stopped ending every call this way.  I have discovered I like not saying "I Love You" a dozen times a day- just not my personality.

It's more helpful for us to concentrate on the actions rather than the words.

Address the actions. Read up on validation

wow 3 months out and still having a-ha moments! It's funny sometimes you forget things until later down the line something triggers it back. I remember always waiting in bed to see how long it would take her to say something meaningful, anything!

She once turned round to me and said "I love you" this was uncommon behaviour for her- I was off balance from the start, only to follow with "I don't say that enough to you" at which point i turned around and said "no you don't" as she simply did not say it enough at all; ever Infact really- unles prompted by me which then would be met with a cold shallow return.

Saying "I love you" is only the tip of the iceberg.  If that's all I had to do then life would be easy! LOL.  Here's a list of the other "must do's":

1.  Include I love you in all texts, emails, phone calls, or when I leave.  Also must say it before bed.

2.  One kiss goodbye or goodnight is not good enough.  Has to be two or even three is better.

3.  When I come home I should go directly to her to show her I missed her.  When she comes home I should come to her to show her that I missed her.

4.  We should have a time each day where we have a discussion about "deep" things.  Superfical doesn't work.  I ask her what "deep" things are but she doesn't know.

5.  She wants me to call at 10am, noon, and 3pm when at work.  She doesn't call me.  If I'm going to be even a few minutes late then I should call to let her know.  If I'm on the road then I should call to let her know I made it.  When she's on the road I should call her every so often to make sure she's alright.

6.  I should let her know weeks in advance that I have a work-related trip even though this will lead her to be disregulated up until and during the trip.

7.  If she wants to do something as an individual then it's beneficial... .  if I want to do something individual then it's selfish.

8.  I could go on and on and on.  You get the point.

I refuse to live by the rules she has created.  I asked her one time to write down all these expectations so that we could both follow them equally.  She refused.  I now refuse to be her prisoner or play her mind games.  I have told her this repeatedly and have weaned off this list.  I still tell her I love her at night and at other times.  Other than that I don't follow the rest. If she doesn't follow her own rules then I call her on it.  It's not validation but it's where I am at the moment.

I'm the odd man out on this one.After 20 years of never hearing "I love you",it was pretty nice to hear it from someone.Granted,it was alot of "I love you's" to the point of just walking down hall away from her she would say it.I kinda thought she said it just for me though. She knew I didn't hear it in marriage,so I think she tried to make up for what I had been missing.

I say "I love you" often,to those I care about.My reasoning is,you never know what might happen to someone,or yourself.I'd rather the last words they hear from me be "I love you".I"ve lost too many friends and family without saying "I love you" enough.I believe the world could use a little more love and compassion.

My best friend,a very normal guy,tells his wife that he loves her at the end of every phone call.What better thing for someone to hear? I make it a point to tell my children this daily.